Tag Archives: you can do this

Finding Happiness Within the Soul

I’m slowly yet surely starting to maintain a lifestyle that has time for me time so I can unwind and breath.

“Be who you are and say what matters to you, those who mind don’t matter and those who matter will be happy to see you be who you are supposed to be!”

My little reminder I get from my best friend  once a week.

For the longest time I have bumped heads with Derrik when it comes to self-love and self-happiness, because  he’s a man and I’m a woman. They come from Mars as we come from Venus. Yet I have had such a hard time grasping this for such a long time. Derrik doesn’t care. It’s not that he doesn’t care about me. He doesn’t care what people think of him. It’s been hard for me to digest this because I have been the type of person that tends to people please. It’s been embedded in my mind to care what people think of me.  I would always say, “How can you not care about me?!!!!!” My mind would always play tricks on me. I have always had this dark gloomy cloud following behind me. Every time I turned my head to look back there it was. The dark gloomy cloud of worry, expectations, fear, the lack of self-love, and self- happiness.  I’ve had ideas embedded in my head of how I should act and look. I never lined up with those “expectations”. I’ve had a mask on my face and body as a shield to protect me so I could just “fit in”.  I’m not one to dress proper, sit tall and walk gracefully. I actually have a girly grunge vibe with a slight hippie soul, with a dash of feminist, nerdy glasses with red hair. Yup that’s me!IMG_5945

I’m now at a point in life where I’m starting to see what Derrik see’s. It’s amazing how you fall in love with people that manage to teach you things that you never thought you needed help to begin with.  I get frustrated from time to time because I lack to give myself credit for being as strong as I really am. I frustrate him for he doesn’t see how I don’t see what he sees in me. Though I’m getting there. I’m getting there slowly. I’m starting to say “to hell with the noise of people’s negative thoughts and opinions of me” I have carried so many memories of negativity and held on to them for such a long time. It’s time to let go of this pain. I’ve felt it way too long.

Lifting this weight of my shoulders has made me think a lot clearer. I still have bad days yet I know with all the panic and fear there’s now that ounce of freedom that helps me get through things in my own  way.

I’m not going to please everyone and that’s okay!

I’m not going to repress the best things about myself because others are too intimidated of me and how far I have come. How open I am with my adoption story. How open I am with the pain, struggles and accomplishments I’ve over come when it comes to anxiety and depression. I’m allowed to be happy! I’m worthy of love! I’m embracing the best and brightest aspects of myself. I’m starting to be someone I love.IMG_5967

Self-happiness and self-love are two things I told myself that I will work on. I now see that with my scars, and stretch marks still make me beautiful. My brain is slowly breaking from the idea of being abandon. That I am worthy of love, not from others. Yet with myself.  I can have a good day being alone. I don’t need a room full of people to pretend to make me happy.  Just because I don’t see myself beautiful it doesn’t mean that I’m not. It’s not like, “human or not human,” or “black or white.” I don’t get to decide whether I am beautiful or not, and whether someone else is beautiful. Thing is I am and everyone around me near and far is. I have dug deep into myself and found my love language. Quality time. I’ve been putting time aside for myself every day for 30 minutes to do something I love. Using my affirmations daily. Positive thinking, positive talks with myself in the car or simply writing them down. I’m starting to honor myself in many ways I never did before.  I fell in love with myself about a month ago yet every day since I’ve grown to build a stronger bond with myself. I’m loving myself more and more every day. I’ve learned my value. I’ve learned to believe in myself.  I have accepted that I have worth that isn’t based off my words, shortcomings, actions or success. Yet that I am just worthy of it and nothing anyone does will change the self-love I’m building up for myself. Hope and courage is my anchor. I refuse to stop living a life that isn’t  free. I want to explore and feel life at the edge of my fingertips. There will be good and bad days yet my self love will still grow.

 

Advertisements

#BMstrong [Birth-mom Strong]

Two words: Birth-mom and Strong.

I am Birth-mom Strong.IMG_5616 (2)

A motto I have learned to embrace this past year. I can reflect back on a time that sparked the spiral towards my hate and self-doubt. The past several years, I have been on a journey to reverse the trauma done to me by others and myself, since I have placed. I’m pushing through the thorns, standing up after each fall I have made. The hardest thing for me to do is to set my mind into my life, my heart and soul. This road I am on hasn’t been traveled very often. Yet I see the sunny road ahead, one of self-discovery, cleansing my mind and body of all the negative toxins that I have kept bottled up these past almost five years.

I am in self-discovery mode. Call it “selfish time” if you must. I have made a lot of choices. Ones That I am more proud of than others. Yet I have come to realize that I can sit here and ponder about the past and be sad, or get back up fight my fight and be a strong woman that I am becoming today. For I have realized this is MY future. MY healing. MY life. MY time of self-love, self-growth, and self-healing. It’s no one else’s. Though for a long time I have believed that. I had a mask on and pretended to be happy with the life I was living. I was told to embrace my shame and not be proud. Even though there was such a higher power telling me otherwise; to speak up, fight my fight, and embrace who I really am.

Self-discovery is messy. It will have its painful moments. The type of moments were you can’t breathe and everything starts to become a blur. Everything just slips from your hands, you’re not in control anymore. You start to feel like a puppet. Wanting to accept the pain has given me a complete different outlook in life. Having ambition comes with its own problems too. I’ve learned that believing in myself can be a difficult task, but it’s one of the important keys I need to have for this journey. Accomplishing my greatest aspirations. To choosing the road that has so many turns, some paths rockier than others. Yet I deserve to have this experience that comes to a beautiful end of seeing myself be the woman I should be. Standing tall and proud of the path I have been traveling.IMG_5617 (2)

Elijah has changed my outlook in life more than I can say. I started to really accept who I was when I found out I was pregnant with Elijah. I envisioned myself to be proud of who I am. One that wasn’t ashamed to say “I am a birth-mom” or “I placed my daughter for adoption out of love.”  To not taking the looks of others personally and have self-shame. Wanting to be birth-mom strong isn’t something that came to me over night. It has taken me a lot of sleepless nights, days that I spent crying. I have come to accept that not every day will be a good day, and that’s OKAY! I will have my moments of grief and I wont beat myself up for it anymore. Yet coming this far I can smile and be happy with who I am. My biggest fear was having my son and Ava hate me. I never want them to feel like she wasn’t “important”. I have come to the realization that this fear won’t become my reality. I will teach my son in his early childhood and through his life about Ava. About the choice I made. The pain I went through, the pain I will still go through. The happiness I have when I think of her. He will know to be proud of me. I will not be ashamed when he asks me. For I choose to be stronger than this.

Being birth-mom strong for me is being selfless, to not be ashamed of my choice. Giving a piece of me away to a loving family. One that I have to have complete trust with. I will never feel whole again, yet my shattered pieces of my heart will always be intact. To being fearless and having that never-ending strength to be strong and proud of the life I have not just chosen for myself, yet for the one I chosen for Ava. Having my head held high and not having an ounce of guilt or shame. To finding peace within myself and being proud that I am a birth-mom. One my son can be proud of as well.

Birth-mom Strong has so many different definitions by every single different mother who has placed.

I asked several Birth-moms to give  me their own meaning of being Birthmom Strong, this is what they had to say. I love each response.

[None of these have been altered, anonymous is kept for the privacy of their identity.] 

Roanne Olsen- Being birth mom strong is being a role model to my birth son. He just turned 18 and considers me his biggest role model.

Nicole Paulson- Being birth mom strong means being fearless. It means facing judgement knowing I did what was best for my child and myself.

Chanel Alyss Green-It’s reaching deep down and shattering my own heart to make someone else’s family whole. #birthmomstrong

Annaleece Merrill- It means that there is a piece of my heart that lives outside my body now, and is in the arms of someone else. And I will never quite feel whole again, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel perfect

Heather Gossett- It’s about giving but what you want and think you need, and giving that innocent baby the family and life that he or she really needs.

Anonymous- It means being selfless, strong, ambitious, courageous loving, and caring. Everyone’s story is different but we all have one thing in common unconditional love for our babies. Every day is a silent struggle. We live our life’s everyday crying inside. Trying to act like everything is ok. We still pull through. It so hard but worth see my birth son alive living a better life.

Mind Over Matter

 

Mind 

Over

Matter

My mind has been overflowing with Ideas and projects. Projects coming in left and right. Ideas that I just  keep jotting down. Ones I will run to Derrik and tell about, others I am “pressuring myself” to finally convince myself that I am capable of doing them and I shouldn’t hold myself back. I promised myself this year to focus on my mental state of mind. Dedicating thirty minutes a day to myself has made me notice the small change in my attitude when it comes to “me” time; that this is important for my sanity, it’s a must do! I shouldn’t feel guilty of wanting this. I deserve to do the things I love. Mind stability is certainty appealing.  Don’t get me wrong I have my bad shit days, I am human after all.

Sometimes my negative mindset will take over. At times it feels like it’s all the time. It’s easy to feel so unwanted when you have been rejected so many times by the same people. That yucky feeling tends to take over. I sometimes feel alone, and hear hurtful things, sometimes I will consume it and believe it. I start to believe the lies and let the lies consume me, my relationships, and my parenting.

IMG_5384 (2)

Growing up I was taught:

Sticks and stones will break my bones, yet words will never hurt me.

In all honesty I call bullshit. Throughout the years growing up I would hear

“Wow you’re such a big girl”

Translation to my brain was “Wow you are so fat” instead of saying to “wow what a beautiful girl you are becoming”. I took this compliant wrong every single time. My body shaming and self-love really has a horrible relationship with me. There are times where I tell myself I’m breaking up with you and finding new self-love. My old habits of thoughts creep back from time to time.

My favorite one was being called my mother’s name from time to time. I love my mother and it has taken me such a long time to get here where I am mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and to have my heart open to her. I felt very abandon by her.  I believed a lot of lies, some were true yet there were a lot of lies. My mom is sick mentally it took me to finally let my walls down to finally accept her and myself. Having depression and anxiety is one thing. Being bipolar wow I can’t even imagine the constant battles she fights. I understand why she did what she did to escape her pain and suffering. I’m so sad it was hard for her to see what was really important; getting help the right way and of course….Me.  I felt rejected by my mother. I let my mind take over and feed me so many lies.

I never felt good enough. I felt unloved, unwanted, a failure, and ugly. I would think time to time well maybe if I was pretty she would love me. If I was smarter would she stay? Games of manipulation never ended. I would want to stop time to just make my heart stop racing so fast and for me to catch my breath.

My adoption with Ava was hard all on its own. I believed the lies and manipulation. That I was a failure. I was a shit mother. I was horrible. God would never forgive me and love me. I was numb and I was weak. I believed everything good and bad that was thrown at me. I let people have the power over me. I handed them my heart and mind and let them put whatever they wanted to believe about me and let myself believe the lies as well. People walked away from me after I placed; I let myself to believe what I did was wrong. I believed everyone’s lies. It took me four years to finally get here. To finally break free and start healing and loving myself all over again. To accepting my choice and believing the root meaning of why I placed. It was never because I didn’t love Ava, I did it because I loved her so much to let her live a fraction of the life I lived as a child. House to house, aunt to aunt, grandma to raise her, me to not have a home of my own. To constantly see me suffering, I was scared to see her live an ounce of a life I lived. I’m not saying my childhood was a complete nightmare; there are many happy moments as there are sad and self hate momments. I have good and bad memmories.

IMG_5397 (2)

Sometimes with Derrik’s sister, well all the time, we don’t get along. We don’t see life the same way. We are both stubborn and very dominate. We don’t have the type of relationship that I wish we could have. For I have always wanted a sister. I always wanted someone to laugh with, make jokes with, even have a dinner dates with and just dance in our seats laugh like crazy people and just make memories. We have hurt one another with words, and actions. We both let the lies we have said to one another consume us and come between us. Derrik’s sister has pushed me to my limits. Limits of where I wanted to give up. Ones where I want to cry my eyes and heart out. Moments of where Derrik and I spent fighting weeks on end. Questioning one another why we were together. On how he could let someone he loves so much get hurt so often. On why I wasn’t protected. We never saw eye to eye on this. We both were never understood  or empathized for one another. We tend to forget our words of admiration with one another. This has been almost a year battle Derrik and I fought almost weekly. A year of us finally letting one another’s walls down and seeing the true ugly we held within our hearts, mind, body, and soul. One thing I have now started to see this past week, even though it’s almost been a year is that I need to try and work on not believing the lies. To have mind over matter. That she isn’t out to get me and to hurt me emotionally. That we will probably never have the relationship I have dreamt about, yet to let my expectations go. To finally accept her for who she is and just let it be.  She is her and I am me. Since I have already “trained” my mind to believe these lies, I need to work on breaking the toxic cycle. I know it’s going to be hard. I have thought for so long that I was unwanted and I’m  not good enough, is just a lie. I am good enough, I am wanted.

She has pushed me to my limits, limits of wanting to call quits and be left alone yet in a way I’m kind of grateful for it. For its helped me see that I do need to work on my psychological health a little more, okay a lot more. My mental health is starting to affect my physical health. I noticed that I have gotten lazy a bit and just gave up on working out right now. I’m too down lately. I want to curl up in a ball and just pause life. Coming to terms with this has been extremely hard. I honestly have felt like a complete failure. I really let it hit me hard this past week. For I now see that I have the mind to change my matter. My mind over matter needs a different outlook in life. It needs positivity. One that has daily encouragement, love and trust. To kick it in the ass and to be the victor I am. To stop believing the lies and work on being stronger. Oh the journey I’m about to embark with this one. To fighting an everyday fight and letting my wounds heal. To finally stop the bleeding of this mental pain and to let growth take effect. Maybe a year from now I will look at the wounds I have now and see beautiful scars that they will become. To have something to look within myself and show myself the reminder that I am strong. It’s going to be hard, yet it’s all about training my mind over matter.IMG_5428 (2)

“Don’t let this world make you bitter. Don’t let the actions of others make you cold inside. Certain things happen that hurt us, people come that leave us, and most of all there are moments when you’re bound to fail. Don’t let those things make you unkind. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be sad. But it’s never okay to do other people wrong just because you were done wrong. We’re human. We break. We make mistakes. But don’t let pain and sadness run your lives. Wake up in the morning and do what you think is right. There are moments in life where you feel like giving up and you can’t take it anymore. It’s okay. Breathe inhale. Exhale. I know you’re weak. But the things that show your weak side are the same ones that make you stronger in the long run. It’s all about taking whatever life throws at you and learning from it.”

“I didn’t want to accept the fact that I had postpartum”

I wanted to do something a little different for this blog entry. I wanted to be able to hit a wider audience and try to spread the word about postpartum depression, anxiety, being a first time mom, along with how hard relationships can be at times.

I as a first time mom, know the daily struggles of trying to balance myself mentally and spiritually, along with being the best mother I can be, and partner even when I fail at times. My postpartum was honestly a hard thing to face, still is to this day! I am very open about my depression and anxiety; as most of you know. I had the privilege to interview a dear friend who I have known for quite a while now. She is fighting her fight daily. I admire her for all the right reasons. I’m very fortunate to have friends that are willing to give me the privilege to dig into their hearts and souls and let me get my hands messy with them and dig into to rawness of their pain, to not just help them, yet to wanting to help others. Hearing Kaila’s story helped me in so many ways.

This interview is real, all pictures have been approved by Kaila. Nothing has been modified. Here is Kaila’s journey….

Me: We have known each other for little over 7 years now. We were once co-workers. It’s funny how fast time flies by. We both have children now roughly the same age. Has becoming a mother been challenging at times? Or do I feel alone when it comes to being a parent?

Kaila: Yea, becoming a mother was the most challenging time of my life and still is. I really wasn’t ready for a baby and was scared to death when I found out. My doctor had told me about a year prior to me getting pregnant that I shouldn’t have children. He said it would be very difficult for me to conceive and if I did, I would have a really difficult pregnancy and the child would have medical issues if it survived. So when I got pregnant it was a complete surprise. Billy and our families were really supportive during my pregnancy. I did end up being a high risk pregnancy and had a hard 10 months. I was in and out of the hospital and would have go to multiple doctors’ visits a week. After I had Paislie I had awful postpartum depression. I thought at first it was just my hormones all out of wack, but it continued for months and ended up lasting over a year. I didn’t want to accept the fact that I had postpartum and I didn’t really know who to talk to. I was always under the impression the people that had PPD were the ones that killed their babies. I didn’t want people think I was crazy and wanted to hurt my baby because it wasn’t like that at all. I was just sad, I felt numb, felt no emotions. I would feel so guiltily not being happy over a new thing Paislie had done, but I couldn’t help it. I would try my hardest but I felt nothing. I would have some good days and finally think I was better, but most days were dark. I wouldn’t even be able to get out of bed or get dressed some days. At first Billy tried to help, but towards the end he couldn’t handle it. He became very inconsiderate towards my feelings and was very neglectful. The first year of Paislie’s life was the not only the most challenging time of my life but the loneliest. I felt that if I couldn’t even talk to my own husband who was my best friend than who I could talk too. If that person couldn’t love me and help me than no one could. I considered taking my life multiple times the first year but couldn’t imagine leaving Paislie and Billy alone. I convinced myself their happiness was worth more than my depression. Some days that worked, but most it didn’t. My family helped me a lot with her the first year since Billy worked so much. He was never home and when he was home he didn’t participate, so I felt like a single mom. After Billy and I separated this took on a whole new meaning. I could no longer call him when I was stressed out with Paislie or needed to vent to him about my day. I no longer had that person to share exciting or happy moments Paislie and I had. I no longer had him to call to share a new “first” she just did. Being a single mom is the loneliest thing which make it so much more complicated.  Thankfully my sisters, my parents and best friends help out a lot because without them I wouldn’t be able to do it. I thank God daily for such a strong support system, because every day there’s a new complication and of course somedays aren’t bad but somedays I look forward to when Paislie goes to her dad’s so I can get a break, but then of course I feel guilty after and miss her so much when she is gone. I think the days I don’t have her though are the most challenging. I have to try engulf myself in something so that I am so busy that I don’t worry and over think. Unfortunately Billy and I have an awful relationship now and we can’t even co-parent, so when she is gone I know nothing. I don’t know if she had a good day, what she ate, if she had a bad dream, if she was happy, if she woke up sick, if she learned something new, nothing. So those are probably the most challenging days because even though I am a mother I know nothing about my daughter those 3 1/2 days. I’ll try to reach out to him somedays to see how she is hoping he will just respond and tell me she is happy but every time it ends the same, with no response.12399304_221362141537825_410839425_n

Me: You told me not to long ago that I inspire you to share your voice, along with to not give up fighting my fight. Do you believe the same for yourself?  Do you think by doing this interview with me you wish to help new mothers, single mothers, and mothers with postpartum depression?

Kaila: Of course. I never even would wish my worst enemy to feel the way I did and do at times. I made a lot of mistakes which ultimately I believe was a factor of my divorce. I never thought it was before, I thought you could just “snap out of it” and I’m a medical professional, but you can’t all the time. Sometimes you need help or medication and that’s okay.  I don’t want other women to feel alone and scared like I did. They are so many resources out that and if we all spoke out about our struggles we could help each other, we could embrace each other, and help strengthen each other. What I learned is that you can’t do it alone, you need a support system, you need people to talk to, people to listen to you, people to pray with you and sometimes a person that can just tell you it will be okay. Too many women fight this ugly beast behind closed doors because they are scared of what others think. They think others will see them as weak and that they are looking for attention, but that’s not it. That’s not okay that society has made depression into a thing that we are too scared to seek help for. It is an actually medical disorder. It took me a long time to realize that because I was that women that people looked at as strong and who had the “perfect” life, but I really wasn’t. I would cry myself to sleep every night because I didn’t know what was wrong with. I can only wish that if anyone is struggling or even has thoughts of killing themselves like I did that they get help and know that it is okay to get help. And most importantly I want women to know that they are NOT alone. That things may not be okay right now and everything may seem hopeless but it does get better.

Me: Your honesty has me moved. You speak the truth, I bet you have some eyebrows raised. Some are probably thinking “how can she be so honest and raw?” You have managed to be the few that supported me with kind words when it came to me placing. Were you still proud to call me a friend once you learned my story?

Kaila: Of course I was. I truly feel that is one of the strongest things a women can do. A mother’s love is doing what is best for your child no matter what and you did that. Sammie, not a lot of girls could have done what you did and I am so proud of you, still to this day. You took responsibility for your actions, carried a baby a full pregnancy and made the ultimate sacrifice for your daughter which results in not only the b12570827_221358698204836_1986660659_nest life for her, but also happiness for a couple that wanted a baby.

Me: Thank you; that honestly means a lot. I still feel like not many are pleased with me. I still get side comments, hate mail via email, sometimes and a random text of hate. It’s friendships like yours I truly value. Tell me three things about Paislie.

Kaila: What is there to say about Miss Paislie lol.

  1. She is obsessed with minions
  2. She is an outdoors girl and would live outside if I let her, but she is totally girly at the same time and loves to play with makeup and wear jewelry
  3. She is very musically inclined. She loves to sing and dance especially to Justin Beiber. Her favorite songs are Baby and Sorry, she actually sings the chorus for both too which is hilarious                                                                                                                                     Me: Wow that’s amazing! I noticed a complete change in you once we started talking about Paislie, I can tell she brings the life back in you. What are some coping skills you have managed to learn now that you have fully accepted the fact you have depression?

12583743_221358794871493_1288487105_nKaila: She is my life and my joy. I love her with every fiber of my being. Well, there are multiple things I do. I read my bible and pray daily for God to fill me with his love, joy and peace. Without his love and forgiveness I wouldn’t be where I am today. Whenever I am having a difficult time I just start to pray and feel immediate calmness. My lowest point of depression brought me into the deepest relationship I have ever had with him and I am never turning back. He has saved me in some many ways. I have my sisters and my bestfriends who I can always turn or vent to after a long day. They know I am depressed and check on my daily. They inspire me and fill me with positive thoughts. I know when I am having a bad day they will be there even if they have to drive to talk to me face to face. Another thing is exercise. I can always take out my frustration and sadness out in my workouts. This helps my nerves alot. Lastly, I see a psychologist weekly and a psychiatrist monthly. Honestly, seeing a psychologist has helped me tremendously. It’s nice having a third party look into my life and help me process my thoughts. My psychologist is amazing. He was the psychologist I saw in ICU when I tried to kill myself. I thought he was awesome but I didn’t want to drive an hour to see him. It took me seeing over 15 other psychologist until I realize God brought him in my life for a reason. I now drive over an hour to see him and it is totally worth it. I look forward to our visits.

Me: What is one thing you wish to tell those who suffer from a mental illness?

Kaila: First, that is okay to get help. It took me losing my husband and going through the worst experiences to realize that. I was so prideful and thought I didn’t need help, but I did. If you are depressed reach out for help. It will be the hardest task to overcome this ugly illness but it will be so worth it. Secondly, I would tell them that not all days will be dark. It may seem like it will never get better and that it will only get worse from where you are at now but someday there will be light at tunnel and you just got to keep pushing forward to see it. Make a checklist daily and look at every task as an accomplishment even getting out of bed because anyone that suffers from mental illness knows that is the hardest task of each day. Thirdly, that you are NOT alone. There are so many people that suffer daily but are too scared to reach out. Lastly, you are not weak and you’re life has a purpose. Everyone was placed on this earth to tell a story and to touch somebody’s life. You may never know who’s life you changed but you changed somebody’s. You story might be filled with some more ups and downs than others but it is okay. God will never give you more than you can handle and even though sometimes it feels like you can’t handle anymore he knows what he is doing. He believes you are strong enough to endure these hardships.

Me: Thank you for doing this with me. I know it’s hard to let someone in when you have so many feelings running through you.

Kaila:It was actually a nice healing project, thank you

An Open Letter to Ava’s Adoptive Parents

As I’m writing the end of my chapter for 2015 I sit here thinking how far I have come this year. Not just with my healing yet finding my voice. You pushed me to be better. You pushed me to do better. You believe in me and continue to cheer me on. I never really imagined to have the type of relationship I do with you. To be honest I was scared. I was scared to think how someone could love me as much as you and your amazing husband. How someone can have me included. When I first wanted to place I knew in my heart that you and Steve were the ones. The twinkle of happiness I saw in Steve’s eyes when we first met at the little place at the peso mall where we at lunch with my Aunt and Uncle. Yet what got me was the love  you both have for Lilly. The way you spoke to her as if she was your flesh in blood. This is when I knew off the bat that My child, your child belonged in this family, your family. 
You both have been so open and honest with me. Yet even though I’m far away I know I’m my heart that no matter where I go in life you will always continue to teach Ava and tell her the good you see in me.
My wish for you Steve is that no matter how old she gets always remind her she’s your baby girl. That as time goes on and she wants to date that you teach her to have respect for herself and to have a man that will treat her like the queen she deserves to be. Remind her that she is a woman and she is strong. That she can do it! That no matter how old she gets that you will always be her number one man. Her daddy to run to if anyone breaks her heart. 
Karin my dear sweet amazing Karin. Oh how I love you so. 
You are an angle sent from up above. You get me. You  let me cry on the phone with you. You help me in so many ways. My wish for you is to keep being the mom you are. The super mom who runs to soccer, surf lessons, dance lessons, and all the other fun activities you have for these two amazing precious girls.
I will love you forever. Not for the obvious reasons yet for the reasons that have gone unrecognized. For the way you comfort and  embrace Ava when she gets a boo boo or the way you sing to her to cheer her up. The silly car ride dance parties. Those late night movie nights. The way you do everything in your power to help her grow. She will have the gift of love. She will have the ability to love all because you and Steve have already taught her this the moment you held her in your arms for the first time. The moment you both looked at her and called her your baby girl. These moments these memories I think of daily because without them I would forget all the good in this. All the beauty. All the reasons why, I choose you. 
On my dark gloomy days when I hit rock bottom I think of these moments to help me get back up and embrace life. Because of you I am able to feel whole again. Oh how I can’t wait to see you again, so I can look at you and show you how happy I am that you are in my life and how much I appreciate you.
I love you. 
Ava
{This picture was sent to me from the lovely Karin, its pictures like this that makes my heart so happy and full.}

Week of terror.

This past week was a blur, I was numb. I quit my job at the super market. I couldn’t handle it anymore. It was too toxic. I was slowly starting to pull back the layers of how much I really didn’t “fit in” or how “sad it made me become” I started to “hate my job” I started to feel “down” all the time. I just needed out. I felt like I failed doing this and everything just started to move way too fast from there. I felt everything slip between my fingertips. I had nothing to hold on to. Nothing to grip on tight to. I felt like I was dangling from a 100 foot story building and everyone was just waiting for me to finally give up and let go. I was under water, a sea of rapid waves causing my anxiety, depression, self-body shaming, self-loathing, and oh how the list can go on; to drown me in. I was beyond depressed. I just didn’t want to get out of bed. I was fighting my weakness for a whole week. I was trying to not let it win. To consume me and have me go back ten or twenty steps on my healing.

Conversations turned into fights. Fights turned into silence.

I saw a quote last night that kicked me in the ass quite literally from Soworthloving’s Tumblr page.

    “Finding that strength like a warrior is not something that happens overnight. It is a process of acceptance, of action, and letting go. It takes time, but eventually the rubble will move and I as well as you, will see the sun again.”
 – Ali HightowerIMG_5205

I cried reading this because I needed it. I needed it to remind me that everything is going to be okay. [ I tend to let the bad overcome the good when I am my most vulnerable.] It’s really easy to just slide back down the slide and find yourself in a pool of depression. I think being constantly aware and open about how things make me feel has opened up my eyes a lot. To whom I should be surrounded with. I need a lot of positive people in my life right now. I have noticed that I need a lot of people who will help me better and not drag me down and make me start all over again on my healing journey. I need the doers and dreamers. To the go get-ers and adventures. I have slowly let go of the people who name call and just talk so negative about others. Being open and honesty about my journey this past year has opened a lot of new doors to new friendships. I have a new friend that is an adoptive parent, to a few birth moms that I talk to that just well get it. I have a friend who is a blogger and man she and I have so much in common. We get one another. We understand one another when it comes to depression and help one another be better. These new and amazing relationships I would have never have met if I didn’t want to get my hands messy.

This past week was hell. Yet I finally made it back to my feet. The struggle will still be there, every day. The things that keep me going is my son. My relationship with Derrik. My journey of MY TRUTH. My family. These things keep me going.

IMG_5213

I woke up today and I laid in bed while I heard Elijah babbling away. I wanted to roll over and just close my eyes yet instead I got up opened up the curtains, made the bed, got Elijah and we both looked outside and watched the birds swim in the canal and Elijah kept saying “wow, momma wow”. This moment made me see that I needed to let go of what has been bothering my all week long. I took out my frustration on my work out. [I must say I did pretty dang well] while Elijah napped I decided to get dressed up. To actually do my hair and makeup and not half ass it like the previous week. While going through my closet I saw my shirt that I needed today. The one that reminded me today. “Your story isn’t over;” This is so true in so many different ways.

I’m not going to run away from the pain, I’m going to run towards it, get through it, embrace it and make a better strong warrior woman out of me.

IMG_5235

 

Hello November; National Adoption Month

Today we say goodbye to October and its festivities, and say hello to November.IMG_4858

November is the month that starts to cheer  Christmas is around the corner and that Thanksgiving is just a few weeks away. Yet this month tends to hit home for a lot of men and women that are in the same boat as me. National Adoption Month.

In the past I have dreaded November, I actually wanted to get it over with. I wasn’t ready to share my story. I wasn’t ready for people to embrace me with extra love and make me feel like they felt sorry for me. Yet this year I have turned a new leaf and I’m wanting to embrace it. I’m now ready to feel the embrace-meant of others. I am ready to feel loved and know its not because they pity me. They actually really care about me.

I ask that you pray for me, and not just me yet people that are like me. People that are still healing. Birth fathers and Birth mothers. This Month I am lighting a candle not just for me yet for everyone who needs that little bit of extra light to get through this month. IMG_4808

This month will be a little different when it comes to blog posts. I will be sharing other people’s pain, love, healing, moving forwards. I will also have a story from an adoptive mother’s side. Her struggles and pain and how adoption changed her and her husband’s lives.

I’m mentally preparing myself for that I will be digging deeper into the rawness this month. My story is far from being over;

#MYTRUTHMATTERS

[I asked for a couple Birth Parents to share their stories; to share their thoughts and feelings on placing. These are real stories, each story is different; each pain is different yet the one thing we have in common is we did this out of love.]

“She could never go back and make some of the details pretty. All she could do was move forward and make the WHOLE beautiful.”

IMG_4358

It’s been four years. Four years of sadness, grief, heartache, sleepless nights, pain, happiness, joy, strength, hope, I can go on forever. People think that placing is easy, that it’s a walk in the park. Yet there is so much more to that. It hasn’t just affected me, it’s affected my family and friends. It’s ruined some of my relationships. All this pain and happiness I have throughout the years; it’s been hard and easy all at the same time: yet, I wouldn’t change it for the world. During my pregnancy I was in doubt. I was in denial. I didn’t want to accept that I was pregnant that I was going to fail as a parent. That I would be a single parent at that: I would be struggling to make ends meet. I wasn’t emotionally ready. I didn’t believe in abortion then or now. My life wasn’t at risk or Ava’s. I would have been so selfish to do so. I would be so evil to end someone’s life because of my mistakes. I could have looked at this and told myself I can do this on my own, yet who was I kidding? I knew I couldn’t have given her a fraction of the life she really deserved. Did Ava really deserve a life like mine? A life where she would be homeless for a while, or watch her mom get beat up by her boyfriend? Live in motel to motel. Get taken away from school because your mother was an “unfit” parent? To live from aunt to aunt. Have your grandma be your mom? I’m not saying my whole childhood was bad, yet it was very confusing for a long time. It has taken me 24 years to finally accept my life on how I was raised, who my mother is, that yes I may be emotionally messed up and broken yet It is my choice to move on and accept that I’m a beautiful mess. I have flaws and that’s OKAY!

(((Those who believe in abortion, I clearly don’t mean to offend you in any way, this is my body, this was my choice. I chose to place my birth daughter up for adoption and no it wasn’t a mistake, it was a gift, a gift of life. A blessing at that. ))

It took me a long time to accept that I was going to have a child and that I needed to do the right thing, even though it was going to be extremely hard. I needed to do what was right. I had to open up my heart to people I didn’t know, people that I only have met a few times. People I fell in love with right away. They didn’t want to just help me at my deepest plea, they wanted another child to call their own. One to embrace, one to love, one to teach about the world and its beauty. These adoptive parents became family. My open adoption with Ava, is easy and hard all the same time. The first two years I was very active yet I noticed I was being so selfish at times. I needed time to heal and move on, to accept that this was not just a temporary fix, that this here was real life. I moved away not to escape yet to heal, to find my voice. To find who I was as a person. I thought I was in love yet come on who was I kidding. He didn’t love me for the right reasons, for he would always tell me I was a failure because I choose adoption. Yes I have gotten my fair share of people throwing this in my face, till this day. I met Derrik while I was away from home. He is my prince charming in so many ways. He is the one. He completes me, yes we have our faults and hard times yet there is one thing this man has always done, to continue to remind me that I am strong woman. That I did the right thing. That Ava loves me and will learn to love me. Derrik is right in so many ways.

Placing has its beautiful moments, the moments of getting a picture sent to you in the mail, FaceTime calls, talking on the phone for a few hours, yet the thing that brings my heart to joy and warms my heart is when Ava and her sister Lilly can both tell me they love me. I have not only made a difference in one person’s life but a whole family. I noticed this past year I yet I made a difference in Lilly’s life. She gets to have a bond with Ava that no one else will. A sister bond one that I wish I had.  My story isn’t over yet for I am literally taking it one day at a time. I have my ups and downs, my silent cries, sometimes I bust out laughing when no one is around,  I talk to myself most days ( Yes I am a tad crazy at times.) Sometimes I have a dark cloud hanging over me, I get sad, I cry, sometimes my heart just feels weak, then I kick myself in the ass and I have Derrik who is here to help remind me that everything is okay. Even when I refuse to take his comforting. I still have some broken bridges yet I have learned that I am okay with that. I am okay with losing some people that I had in my life at one time. I have learned especially after having my son that the people that stay with you through the hardest times and embrace you with love are the people you want to keep around, are the people you want your own child to know. So that one day when my son sees a love one hurting he will know what to do. To offer his love, even when they push him away. To not give up, yet to always be there for them, it’s this act of love I needed the most and I still do till this day when I have my bad days. I did a beautiful and selfless act, I have finally now have accepted this past year. I am a birth mom and it’s taken me four years to say that loud and proud, my story isn’t over yet;

-Samantha M.

Throughout this journey I have meet some pretty awesome Birth Mothers and yes Birth Fathers! I asked on this group I am apart of anyone wanted to share their story with me; here are their stories:

A couple that placed together and still have managed to stay together. After placing not many couples stay together for a long time, yet this couple here is proving everything and everyone wrong!!

“I don’t remember who said this, but there really are places in your heart you never knew even existed until you love a child in so many ways you never knew possible”

12016586_383362661873156_1352185003_n

-My name is Lauren I’m 23.

I’m Cody and I’m 21.

We placed our son around 6 months ago to an amazing family who we see and hear from all of the time. For me (Lauren) placing Wesley was our only option. I have school to finish, and we’re not financially or emotionally stable enough. I’m an adoptee myself and I grew up with an amazing life and amazing relationship with my birth mom so that also helped. I knew that we could never give him the greatest life, a good life? Sure, but he deserves so much more than that. So it was a no brainer and his adoptive family has made it so much easier.

Placing for me (Cody) was kind of difficult for me. I think Lauren being adopted herself helped it be easier for her, but I had a hard time wrapping my head around placing my son with another family. But during most of Lauren’s pregnancy I was deployed and I knew this would happen again a time or two in our lives, and I don’t want to miss out on my child’s life for months at a time, plus I knew I wasn’t mature enough and we weren’t financially ready. It was difficult being away for all of the big moments and missing the birth of Wesley, but I was as involved as I could have been. Now that I’m home I like getting the updates and going to visit my son and his family and seeing them all together it just makes sense, I love them and they’ve become an extension of our family.

The biggest struggle we really faced was not being able to be together during everything, it was hard not having my go to person there during my birth (Lauren), it was hard not being able to be there for her, through the hospital visits, pain, cravings, during and after the birth (Cody) I felt helpless because she was all alone, it still amazes me she went through everything by herself.

Another thing that was hard was once I placed Wesley in his mother’s arms I just handed her my heart, then I went home with no baby, no son, and I felt empty, but his family is what got me by honestly, they just keep me so in the loop, and they treat me like family.

We’re not ashamed of placing our son, there’s nothing to be ashamed of. We gave a family the greatest blessing you can ever give someone, and we gave our son the gift of an amazing life.

I’m proud to be a birth-mom because I feel so strong, I feel like I’ve been through one of the most difficult things a woman can go through and I survived, I’m a stronger woman because of it.

I’m proud to be a birth-father because I have a special bond that I feel like not a lot of other people can know and understand. It’s a different love.

Carrie; this woman here, her story is so shocking, so raw. I embraced her the moment I finished reading her story, I cried, I smiled because the hope, the pain, the beauty she has is special and strong all the same time. 

“I don’t know what this journey will be. I do know that the love I have for you will never fade”

11998132_1672420616361343_244652077_n

Here is my Thoughts

Broken or Not?

I once thought that only the birthparents were broken. Why do we as birthparents think that Adoptive parents are perfect, and will be a “perfect” family? We all hope and pray that in the short time we get to spend with them that they will never change. I know that I wanted my daughter raised by a married couple, wanted her to have a “perfect” life, dance lessons, music lessons, and well on all the other things that we can dream up in our minds that we feel our children deserve. Well nothing in life is guaranteed. Heck nothing is a guarantee. I want to share my story of what just happened to me.

I woke up Wednesday to find a message from my Amom saying” I am going to swallow my pride now and am going to ask you for help now.” I went to look at her facebook page because that is how we stay in contact and found that she needed bail money. I was in shock. I have been dealing with this fear for a while, but now my nightmare has come true. These parents are the ones I trusted. I had always wanted her raised by a married couple, but that is not always a guarantee in life. Heck nothing is guaranteed in life. While I was talking to her on the phone to find out what was going on she told me we needed to talk face to face. I agreed. I was also told that my daughter that I placed wanted to meet me and with everything going on she needed, and wanted it. I was scared to death. All my fears so far were happening, now what if she hates me, what if this and what if that’s were all I could think of. Once I was out of my van she hugged me and I told her I loved her and missed her. I was so worried that she would not want to hug me or talk to me, she is a shy young lady, so I was not expecting much conversation either. After we hugged, we sat there and laughed and giggled and it felt so right. I feel whole now. I was able to put that necklace on her that was my strength when i needed it. So now Amom and I are having our discussions about what was going on. I found out that well, they are divorced, and now they were both battling their own drug addictions. I was sad that my daughter had to watch both her parents put her on the back burner. So meeting her was a blessing for her. So you may be wondering if I am questioning my Placement. NO I am not. I made the choice to place her for a reason, now I am sure this reason has been made clear to me. My daughter’s amom was there for me when I was in need of help, so it is only right that I be there for both my Amom and my daughter. My Amom is going to be checking into a 45 day inpatient rehab to help her with her addictions. Yes, I am hurt that this happened, but it does not change my thought about her as a mom. I have agreed to be there for her so that she will have a clean person to cheer her on in her sobriety. I am so glad that she was this honest with me and told me.

I could have looked at this and allowed it to put me in a very dark spot .It is all in how you look at life. They were there for me when I needed them most. Yes I am angry and hurt and I feel betrayed, but that is a negative way to look at life. They are human and make mistakes just like me. I have to turn my anger to god and let him guide me and be my strength when I need it. This was a blessing for all involved. Amom did not have to be honest with me. It shows that she trusts me and wants me to be a part of her recovery, and I will stand by her side just like she was by my side when I had our daughter and had to deal with the fact that I was rapped and was having a baby. This by no means was this easy. I had to really put my boundaries in place. I had to take a chance and not over step my role and respect the Amom. She never had to tell me. As long as she needs me I will be there for her. Anybody that knew me those 3 short years ago know that I would have bailed out Amom, gave her my car and made sure that k bug was taken care of, but I placed her for adoption because this was not something I could do at that moment in my life. They adopted her because they were able to provide for her. We as birthparents feel broken but we are not alone, adoptive parents are human just like us. They make choices and they are not are not perfect. It is our job as birthparents to not be bitter and not show judgmental love, but we need to show unconditional love no matter what the situation is. Now that I have shared this experience with everyone, I hope that you take what I have learned and apply to your own life whether it is adoption related or not, because only you can OWN your story.

I have had the pleasure of meeting Nicole through a support group on Facebook. We have formed a friendship of one that I know I can talk to about relationships, self-love and best of all adoption.

No one else will even know the strength of my love for you.”

unnamed

8 years ago I found myself pregnant at 19. I was scared, ashamed, and unprepared. After a long while of considering my options, I decided open adoption was the best choice for both of us. I wanted to be 19, as selfish as that may be. And I wanted her to have both parents, love and stability. Everything she deserved and I couldn’t provide. Although it was the hardest choice I have ever made in my life, I stand by saying it was the best. Every day I struggle with a piece of my heart missing. They say when you have a child, it’s like a piece of your heart walking around outside your body. That couldn’t be truer. But, the lovely thing about open adoption is, that piece of my heart is never far from me. I know her, I see her, and I got to hug her so tight recently. My heart is so full because of open adoption. I have an extended family who has seen me through some of my hardest days, and I get the comfort of knowing that little girl is right where she was intended. For all of those reasons I am proud to be a birth mom. Proud to be part of this community made of the smartest, strongest men and women I know. I am stronger, braver and unstoppable. I had to be for my birth daughter. I had to be for myself. My truth matters because I am proud to be strong, brave and a birth mom.

We all have different truths, different stories. Yet our pain is still the same. We all have felt hurt, sadness, and happiness throughout our journeys. It’s when we can form a community and surround ourselves with people that just get it, or better yet want to be there even if they don’t.

Believe

Believe

About a month ago my aunt had asked me if I would make a few tops for my cousins. I simply said “YES”! I was happy and filled with so much joy that she had an interest in what I was doing. That she BELIEVED in me. I asked her what she wanted. She simply said, Believe.IMG_4129

It got me thinking long and hard about this word. It didn’t click much with me at all. It didn’t mesh very well. I needed to believe in myself, because I simply wanted to be unstoppable. I want to be fearless, I want to be strong, and I want to be successful. I want to be free.

Even though we are miles away, we still have a strong bond. A bond I know in my heart is hard to break. She just gets it. She gets me, she understands that I am broken in some areas, yet she always embraces me. She simply loves me. I guess in other words you can say she believes. It took me to do a lot of self-healing and accepting that my aunt did the best she could when she could. She held my hand during my whole pregnancy with Ava. She herself embraced Ava and loves her more than anyone will ever know. She wanted to take the time to be a part of my messy yet beautiful life. She supported me and all of me even if she didn’t agree with everything I did, or how I saw things.

Growing up she always would tell me

“Do what is right Sammie, not what is easy”IMG_4155

In my heart I knew what was ‘right’ and what was ‘easy’. My heart told me another while my mind tried to take over and try to feed me lies. I slowly believed the lies, I let them control my emotions, I let the lies control me. Yet it took getting my hands messy once again and put my boots on because I was going to get dirty, I was going to get messy. I was ready to dig deep and face the pain. I was ready to feel those raw emotions and let them sink in. I want to feel love, joy, happiness, and believe in myself! I was ready. I am still am!

Going through fonts with my aunt, making this top become alive was truly fun. I’m happy that her and I have a top that we can call our ‘’own’’ and share it with one another. For I have learned its not the miles that separate us from one another, it’s the commitment we want to put forward. It’s the effort we show. The little reminders of “I believe in you” or “I’m so proud of you” is what helps me know I’m doing the right thing, not what is easy.  
IMG_4156

“You are braver that you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”

Top: https://www.etsy.com/shop/ourunendingjourney

ABLE; With Olivia.

Olivia contacted me asking if My Truth would be a sponsor for her, on her Miss Missouri Teen USA Pageant Show. IMG_3876

At first I was a bit hesitant to do so, for the typical standers what pageants give off. Having “high” standard for young and adult women being self cautious of their bodies, with how they should look, you must be thin, stuck up, or better yet you’re not beautiful unless you have on layers and layers of makeup. Yet when Olivia reached out to me, I knew in my heart there was something different about her. As I got to know a little bit of her and get inside her heart and soul. I saw that there was this young girl, full of life, full of dreams, full of fire. SHE WANTS TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

She believes in what I’m doing. She simply wanted to help me, spread the word of “My Truth” spread the word of self healing. Self love, Self acceptance. That adoption is okay. That everyone matters.

I asked her to think long and hard about why she choose the word “ABLE”

“My dad is actually an abusive alcoholic and has been my entire life. Earlier this summer we actually left him and saying it’s hard is an understatement. I chose able because I am able to move past this, able to make something of myself and capable of not letting the past define me. Competing for Miss Missouri has given me a new dream to work towards so that whenever I’m feeling down, stressed, or full of anxiety, I focus on preparation rather than being stuck in the dark spot in my life.”

This is a beautiful young woman. This is a strong young woman I’m wanting to embrace with so much love.

Yet meeting Olivia I learned that ABLE can have so many meanings to everyone.

For me I was always sad, I was always alone; emotionally and mentally. I wasn’t able to tell my story. I wasn’t able to be free. I’m free now because I am ABLE to live, I am ABLE to tell my story now.

Your past is not your story, once you realize this it has no power over you. I don’t have the fear of rejection anymore. IMG_3962

I’m okay with knowing what it’s like to feel hurt and pain, and to learn to slowly cope with it on my own time. To being able to dig deep and get my hands messy. I have embraced that I have a beautiful mind and soul, that I am perfectly flawed. That I am me. My mission isn’t over for it has just begun.