Tag Archives: lifeasamom

Six weeks all in one

 

My alarm clock goes off this morning.  One of two things go off inside of me. Wake up and get the day started or hit snooze and repeat this process about fifteen times. I’m laying in bed to think about this for ten more seconds before my mind explodes from hearing the alarm go off. I choose to lay in bed. I have no energy left within me. I feel a lack of love from everyone around me. I feel alone and small. I just want to hide under the sheets and let everyone pretend I’m okay. Yet that’s a lie all in itself. It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to be aware that there is hurt within me and is causing suffering to my mind, body, and soul. It’s okay to admit I need help. I need love. I need embracement. I need reminders from family and friends. I need that connection. I need to feel appreciated. All these are needs. Needs we humans need from time to time. They aren’t wants, they aren’t “what ifs” they are simply needs. I have my moments when I feel like a lion and when I feel like a mouse. Today I feel like a mouse, I’m finally ready to reflect what this past month. On the days I feel small I have to remind myself twice as hard I’m worthy of love, my voice is worthy of a roar. I’m reminding myself I’m worthy of healing. I’m worthy of great greatness. The past six weeks has been such a blur. When I say blur I mean a complete mess of chaos and happiness all in one.

We had our California Mexico trip six weeks ago, we need a vacation from our vacation since all this maddens was about to occur.  We had to get in packing mode to move to our new home. Try to unpack the new house, get settled in, start my new job, all in between all this madness I’m trying to find that quiet time like now to just work on my projects, and last but not least finding that time to breath, catch up, and not lose my sanity.IMG_6018

We went to Mexico for a few days. I got to see my mom. For the first time in a long time we didn’t fight or argue. Instead we laughed and she played with my son. She’s a grandma now and she acted among the part really well. I’m proud of her.  You can really tell she is trying her best to be as sane as she can be. I give her credit for that.  It made me so happy to see my mom interact and form a relationship with my son and Derrik. I won’t lie a part of me wishes that was me. I sometimes wished life could have been different. Where I had my mom fully there. Mentally and physically. Someone who would interact with me make me feel safe. Someone to teach me how to love. I’m happy to say Elijah is her second chance. So far she’s making me very proud to be her daughter. From seeing her this last time it made me see that it’s my time to invest in her now. I need to invest in the reflection I wish the world to see. That investing starts with myself, my son, Derrik, and now my mother. I’m learning that expanding in growth there comes so much goodness. For that I thank God for guiding me there spiritually.IMG_6324

California had its moments. I got into a spat with my aunt. It hurt me. It really dug deep within me. I felt hurt, her action made me feel abandoned. She didn’t agree with my parenting. I know Derrik and I will never be the perfect parents in the world, yet I will always try my best to be the best for my son. I believe in positive parenting. I honestly think it’s a trigger for some people in my family. Derrik and I don’t believe in spanking and don’t believe to humiliate our child in front of others. We try to let Elijah know that some things are not okay and will teach him how to do things better. Example: We don’t hit people when we are upset. We go to the person who upset us and say “you upset me”. Yes Elijah is two yet he gets this concept he says “no okay mommy” translation for me; I hurt my son what can I do to be a better parent. My aunt just didn’t see any of this. She wanted us to pretend since we were on “vacation” to pretend to let it go and let Elijah pay for it later by retraining and getting him frustrated and explaining to him why he could get away with things in California and not at home. I didn’t think that was right and she hated the fact that I stood up for myself and my son ( since I was trying to save him from being confused and thinking it’s okay  to lash out just to lash out instead of using our positive parenting methods) she hated this she and fought with me. I was called many names. She walked out and didn’t even say goodbye to Elijah. I tried several times to reach out to her, yet she denied me, she denied my son. I felt so hurt by her. All because for the first time in her life I could tell her no and not get smacked or yelled at for it. One time she had to keep her cool because Derrik was there. I know that if he wasn’t everything would have been ten times worse. I felt so much pain because for the first time she was going to meet Ava and she walked away from that opportunity as well. I was ready to open a part of this world with her. I was ready for her to see Ava and hug her. To smile with her. To embrace her. I had so much sorrow for my son and Ava. She really knew where to strike her new wound with me.  My aunt reminded me through all this ugly that I have to let go of the hurt she has caused me and fight for hope. Every sorrow she has given me has made me dig deeper to let go and fight the fight. That I am brave.

For the first time Derrik and Elijah got to experience Lego Land, Disney land with real authentic Mexican food for nine days straight, to meeting most of everyone in my crazy Latina family and seeing Ava and Karin.IMG_6345IMG_6287

It’s been almost three years since I had seen Ava in person.  My heart was racing when I saw her and Karin. All I could do was hug her and hold tight for thirty seconds and thank God for letting me and my family see her again. I had my moments when I needed to step aside and get a breather. To be honest Ava clicked with Derrik so well I got a tad bit jealous. Elijah and Ava were inseparable. They held hands, played and rode rides together. This day was perfect for me and my family. There was hard times for my grandma, you could see her watery eyes from time to time. My grandma was so brave and so strong. I was so afraid there would be a sly comment or a day well spent ruined. My chest felt heavy sometimes when Elijah would call me mommy and Ava didn’t. Yet that’s the path I chose Yes it’s hard from time to time yet I chose to place Ava for many reasons. The love she gets from her mom and dad is the love I lacked to give her at the time. My greatest gift I could give her was to place her with people who were mentally, emotionally, and financially okay to do so. I felt numb when saying goodbye. I felt a whole and broken all at the same time.  I wanted this day to play over and over just a couple more times. Everything was just a fog after that. My week continued on yet it was one big blur. I didn’t really want to break down when I was in California. I didn’t want my family to see this weak side of me. One that has to force herself to get out of bed from time to time just to live life. I had to wear a mask because we never really talk about it. I feel many are afraid to hear the truth when it comes to Ava. I couldn’t let this hurt me till after we were done moving. I didn’t have time to process my feelings. I had to keep them bottled up till well now.

I sit here in silence while Elijah is sleeping and Derrik is at work. All I can do is just breath heavy and let it out. Let out the tears of joy and sadness I have had bottled up inside of me for a couple weeks now. The feelings I have right now are just raw emotions.  An ounce of panic and fear. A lack of trust I have people when it comes to just letting it out when I need to cry my soul out. The endless pleas and prayers. A little bit of me grieving again. Yet mostly grieving for my son who is so young to understand what Disneyland was all about. To just keep pushing myself to teach him the love I have for him and Ava. That the love I have is no greater than the other. My heart is filled with so much coldness and warmth I long of hope to fully be happy and not have a bad day take over and consume my mind. The baby steps I’m still working towards to. The fight I’m fighting even when I feel like giving up. People tell me that it’s over and done with to move on. To leave it alone. To keep it hush hush.  How do I process that I will always be an outcast?  Putting energy to my healing and being open means pain on my part, how do I process to think everything is going well when BAM a horrible day comes and I feel numb and weak all over again? I feel like some days I’m walking along the road picking flowers on my way to freedom to being free within. There are other days when I’m standing on the edge of a dark deep hole of emotions that have no way out yet to fall deep, deep down and hit rock bottom and be broken into a million pieces and put myself back together again. I keep standing on that edge trying to force myself to walk away most days. It used to be all days…now it’s just some. For my son’s sake and Ava’s I try not to have many mental break downs anymore. I wait for therapy. I wait to be alone. For me it’s all about baby steps. I know I’m doing better, I’m moving forward. I’m just going to try to do the best I can in this confusing, painful, joyful, sorrow hole of mine.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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Mind Over Matter

 

Mind 

Over

Matter

My mind has been overflowing with Ideas and projects. Projects coming in left and right. Ideas that I just  keep jotting down. Ones I will run to Derrik and tell about, others I am “pressuring myself” to finally convince myself that I am capable of doing them and I shouldn’t hold myself back. I promised myself this year to focus on my mental state of mind. Dedicating thirty minutes a day to myself has made me notice the small change in my attitude when it comes to “me” time; that this is important for my sanity, it’s a must do! I shouldn’t feel guilty of wanting this. I deserve to do the things I love. Mind stability is certainty appealing.  Don’t get me wrong I have my bad shit days, I am human after all.

Sometimes my negative mindset will take over. At times it feels like it’s all the time. It’s easy to feel so unwanted when you have been rejected so many times by the same people. That yucky feeling tends to take over. I sometimes feel alone, and hear hurtful things, sometimes I will consume it and believe it. I start to believe the lies and let the lies consume me, my relationships, and my parenting.

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Growing up I was taught:

Sticks and stones will break my bones, yet words will never hurt me.

In all honesty I call bullshit. Throughout the years growing up I would hear

“Wow you’re such a big girl”

Translation to my brain was “Wow you are so fat” instead of saying to “wow what a beautiful girl you are becoming”. I took this compliant wrong every single time. My body shaming and self-love really has a horrible relationship with me. There are times where I tell myself I’m breaking up with you and finding new self-love. My old habits of thoughts creep back from time to time.

My favorite one was being called my mother’s name from time to time. I love my mother and it has taken me such a long time to get here where I am mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and to have my heart open to her. I felt very abandon by her.  I believed a lot of lies, some were true yet there were a lot of lies. My mom is sick mentally it took me to finally let my walls down to finally accept her and myself. Having depression and anxiety is one thing. Being bipolar wow I can’t even imagine the constant battles she fights. I understand why she did what she did to escape her pain and suffering. I’m so sad it was hard for her to see what was really important; getting help the right way and of course….Me.  I felt rejected by my mother. I let my mind take over and feed me so many lies.

I never felt good enough. I felt unloved, unwanted, a failure, and ugly. I would think time to time well maybe if I was pretty she would love me. If I was smarter would she stay? Games of manipulation never ended. I would want to stop time to just make my heart stop racing so fast and for me to catch my breath.

My adoption with Ava was hard all on its own. I believed the lies and manipulation. That I was a failure. I was a shit mother. I was horrible. God would never forgive me and love me. I was numb and I was weak. I believed everything good and bad that was thrown at me. I let people have the power over me. I handed them my heart and mind and let them put whatever they wanted to believe about me and let myself believe the lies as well. People walked away from me after I placed; I let myself to believe what I did was wrong. I believed everyone’s lies. It took me four years to finally get here. To finally break free and start healing and loving myself all over again. To accepting my choice and believing the root meaning of why I placed. It was never because I didn’t love Ava, I did it because I loved her so much to let her live a fraction of the life I lived as a child. House to house, aunt to aunt, grandma to raise her, me to not have a home of my own. To constantly see me suffering, I was scared to see her live an ounce of a life I lived. I’m not saying my childhood was a complete nightmare; there are many happy moments as there are sad and self hate momments. I have good and bad memmories.

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Sometimes with Derrik’s sister, well all the time, we don’t get along. We don’t see life the same way. We are both stubborn and very dominate. We don’t have the type of relationship that I wish we could have. For I have always wanted a sister. I always wanted someone to laugh with, make jokes with, even have a dinner dates with and just dance in our seats laugh like crazy people and just make memories. We have hurt one another with words, and actions. We both let the lies we have said to one another consume us and come between us. Derrik’s sister has pushed me to my limits. Limits of where I wanted to give up. Ones where I want to cry my eyes and heart out. Moments of where Derrik and I spent fighting weeks on end. Questioning one another why we were together. On how he could let someone he loves so much get hurt so often. On why I wasn’t protected. We never saw eye to eye on this. We both were never understood  or empathized for one another. We tend to forget our words of admiration with one another. This has been almost a year battle Derrik and I fought almost weekly. A year of us finally letting one another’s walls down and seeing the true ugly we held within our hearts, mind, body, and soul. One thing I have now started to see this past week, even though it’s almost been a year is that I need to try and work on not believing the lies. To have mind over matter. That she isn’t out to get me and to hurt me emotionally. That we will probably never have the relationship I have dreamt about, yet to let my expectations go. To finally accept her for who she is and just let it be.  She is her and I am me. Since I have already “trained” my mind to believe these lies, I need to work on breaking the toxic cycle. I know it’s going to be hard. I have thought for so long that I was unwanted and I’m  not good enough, is just a lie. I am good enough, I am wanted.

She has pushed me to my limits, limits of wanting to call quits and be left alone yet in a way I’m kind of grateful for it. For its helped me see that I do need to work on my psychological health a little more, okay a lot more. My mental health is starting to affect my physical health. I noticed that I have gotten lazy a bit and just gave up on working out right now. I’m too down lately. I want to curl up in a ball and just pause life. Coming to terms with this has been extremely hard. I honestly have felt like a complete failure. I really let it hit me hard this past week. For I now see that I have the mind to change my matter. My mind over matter needs a different outlook in life. It needs positivity. One that has daily encouragement, love and trust. To kick it in the ass and to be the victor I am. To stop believing the lies and work on being stronger. Oh the journey I’m about to embark with this one. To fighting an everyday fight and letting my wounds heal. To finally stop the bleeding of this mental pain and to let growth take effect. Maybe a year from now I will look at the wounds I have now and see beautiful scars that they will become. To have something to look within myself and show myself the reminder that I am strong. It’s going to be hard, yet it’s all about training my mind over matter.IMG_5428 (2)

“Don’t let this world make you bitter. Don’t let the actions of others make you cold inside. Certain things happen that hurt us, people come that leave us, and most of all there are moments when you’re bound to fail. Don’t let those things make you unkind. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be sad. But it’s never okay to do other people wrong just because you were done wrong. We’re human. We break. We make mistakes. But don’t let pain and sadness run your lives. Wake up in the morning and do what you think is right. There are moments in life where you feel like giving up and you can’t take it anymore. It’s okay. Breathe inhale. Exhale. I know you’re weak. But the things that show your weak side are the same ones that make you stronger in the long run. It’s all about taking whatever life throws at you and learning from it.”

“I didn’t want to accept the fact that I had postpartum”

I wanted to do something a little different for this blog entry. I wanted to be able to hit a wider audience and try to spread the word about postpartum depression, anxiety, being a first time mom, along with how hard relationships can be at times.

I as a first time mom, know the daily struggles of trying to balance myself mentally and spiritually, along with being the best mother I can be, and partner even when I fail at times. My postpartum was honestly a hard thing to face, still is to this day! I am very open about my depression and anxiety; as most of you know. I had the privilege to interview a dear friend who I have known for quite a while now. She is fighting her fight daily. I admire her for all the right reasons. I’m very fortunate to have friends that are willing to give me the privilege to dig into their hearts and souls and let me get my hands messy with them and dig into to rawness of their pain, to not just help them, yet to wanting to help others. Hearing Kaila’s story helped me in so many ways.

This interview is real, all pictures have been approved by Kaila. Nothing has been modified. Here is Kaila’s journey….

Me: We have known each other for little over 7 years now. We were once co-workers. It’s funny how fast time flies by. We both have children now roughly the same age. Has becoming a mother been challenging at times? Or do I feel alone when it comes to being a parent?

Kaila: Yea, becoming a mother was the most challenging time of my life and still is. I really wasn’t ready for a baby and was scared to death when I found out. My doctor had told me about a year prior to me getting pregnant that I shouldn’t have children. He said it would be very difficult for me to conceive and if I did, I would have a really difficult pregnancy and the child would have medical issues if it survived. So when I got pregnant it was a complete surprise. Billy and our families were really supportive during my pregnancy. I did end up being a high risk pregnancy and had a hard 10 months. I was in and out of the hospital and would have go to multiple doctors’ visits a week. After I had Paislie I had awful postpartum depression. I thought at first it was just my hormones all out of wack, but it continued for months and ended up lasting over a year. I didn’t want to accept the fact that I had postpartum and I didn’t really know who to talk to. I was always under the impression the people that had PPD were the ones that killed their babies. I didn’t want people think I was crazy and wanted to hurt my baby because it wasn’t like that at all. I was just sad, I felt numb, felt no emotions. I would feel so guiltily not being happy over a new thing Paislie had done, but I couldn’t help it. I would try my hardest but I felt nothing. I would have some good days and finally think I was better, but most days were dark. I wouldn’t even be able to get out of bed or get dressed some days. At first Billy tried to help, but towards the end he couldn’t handle it. He became very inconsiderate towards my feelings and was very neglectful. The first year of Paislie’s life was the not only the most challenging time of my life but the loneliest. I felt that if I couldn’t even talk to my own husband who was my best friend than who I could talk too. If that person couldn’t love me and help me than no one could. I considered taking my life multiple times the first year but couldn’t imagine leaving Paislie and Billy alone. I convinced myself their happiness was worth more than my depression. Some days that worked, but most it didn’t. My family helped me a lot with her the first year since Billy worked so much. He was never home and when he was home he didn’t participate, so I felt like a single mom. After Billy and I separated this took on a whole new meaning. I could no longer call him when I was stressed out with Paislie or needed to vent to him about my day. I no longer had that person to share exciting or happy moments Paislie and I had. I no longer had him to call to share a new “first” she just did. Being a single mom is the loneliest thing which make it so much more complicated.  Thankfully my sisters, my parents and best friends help out a lot because without them I wouldn’t be able to do it. I thank God daily for such a strong support system, because every day there’s a new complication and of course somedays aren’t bad but somedays I look forward to when Paislie goes to her dad’s so I can get a break, but then of course I feel guilty after and miss her so much when she is gone. I think the days I don’t have her though are the most challenging. I have to try engulf myself in something so that I am so busy that I don’t worry and over think. Unfortunately Billy and I have an awful relationship now and we can’t even co-parent, so when she is gone I know nothing. I don’t know if she had a good day, what she ate, if she had a bad dream, if she was happy, if she woke up sick, if she learned something new, nothing. So those are probably the most challenging days because even though I am a mother I know nothing about my daughter those 3 1/2 days. I’ll try to reach out to him somedays to see how she is hoping he will just respond and tell me she is happy but every time it ends the same, with no response.12399304_221362141537825_410839425_n

Me: You told me not to long ago that I inspire you to share your voice, along with to not give up fighting my fight. Do you believe the same for yourself?  Do you think by doing this interview with me you wish to help new mothers, single mothers, and mothers with postpartum depression?

Kaila: Of course. I never even would wish my worst enemy to feel the way I did and do at times. I made a lot of mistakes which ultimately I believe was a factor of my divorce. I never thought it was before, I thought you could just “snap out of it” and I’m a medical professional, but you can’t all the time. Sometimes you need help or medication and that’s okay.  I don’t want other women to feel alone and scared like I did. They are so many resources out that and if we all spoke out about our struggles we could help each other, we could embrace each other, and help strengthen each other. What I learned is that you can’t do it alone, you need a support system, you need people to talk to, people to listen to you, people to pray with you and sometimes a person that can just tell you it will be okay. Too many women fight this ugly beast behind closed doors because they are scared of what others think. They think others will see them as weak and that they are looking for attention, but that’s not it. That’s not okay that society has made depression into a thing that we are too scared to seek help for. It is an actually medical disorder. It took me a long time to realize that because I was that women that people looked at as strong and who had the “perfect” life, but I really wasn’t. I would cry myself to sleep every night because I didn’t know what was wrong with. I can only wish that if anyone is struggling or even has thoughts of killing themselves like I did that they get help and know that it is okay to get help. And most importantly I want women to know that they are NOT alone. That things may not be okay right now and everything may seem hopeless but it does get better.

Me: Your honesty has me moved. You speak the truth, I bet you have some eyebrows raised. Some are probably thinking “how can she be so honest and raw?” You have managed to be the few that supported me with kind words when it came to me placing. Were you still proud to call me a friend once you learned my story?

Kaila: Of course I was. I truly feel that is one of the strongest things a women can do. A mother’s love is doing what is best for your child no matter what and you did that. Sammie, not a lot of girls could have done what you did and I am so proud of you, still to this day. You took responsibility for your actions, carried a baby a full pregnancy and made the ultimate sacrifice for your daughter which results in not only the b12570827_221358698204836_1986660659_nest life for her, but also happiness for a couple that wanted a baby.

Me: Thank you; that honestly means a lot. I still feel like not many are pleased with me. I still get side comments, hate mail via email, sometimes and a random text of hate. It’s friendships like yours I truly value. Tell me three things about Paislie.

Kaila: What is there to say about Miss Paislie lol.

  1. She is obsessed with minions
  2. She is an outdoors girl and would live outside if I let her, but she is totally girly at the same time and loves to play with makeup and wear jewelry
  3. She is very musically inclined. She loves to sing and dance especially to Justin Beiber. Her favorite songs are Baby and Sorry, she actually sings the chorus for both too which is hilarious                                                                                                                                     Me: Wow that’s amazing! I noticed a complete change in you once we started talking about Paislie, I can tell she brings the life back in you. What are some coping skills you have managed to learn now that you have fully accepted the fact you have depression?

12583743_221358794871493_1288487105_nKaila: She is my life and my joy. I love her with every fiber of my being. Well, there are multiple things I do. I read my bible and pray daily for God to fill me with his love, joy and peace. Without his love and forgiveness I wouldn’t be where I am today. Whenever I am having a difficult time I just start to pray and feel immediate calmness. My lowest point of depression brought me into the deepest relationship I have ever had with him and I am never turning back. He has saved me in some many ways. I have my sisters and my bestfriends who I can always turn or vent to after a long day. They know I am depressed and check on my daily. They inspire me and fill me with positive thoughts. I know when I am having a bad day they will be there even if they have to drive to talk to me face to face. Another thing is exercise. I can always take out my frustration and sadness out in my workouts. This helps my nerves alot. Lastly, I see a psychologist weekly and a psychiatrist monthly. Honestly, seeing a psychologist has helped me tremendously. It’s nice having a third party look into my life and help me process my thoughts. My psychologist is amazing. He was the psychologist I saw in ICU when I tried to kill myself. I thought he was awesome but I didn’t want to drive an hour to see him. It took me seeing over 15 other psychologist until I realize God brought him in my life for a reason. I now drive over an hour to see him and it is totally worth it. I look forward to our visits.

Me: What is one thing you wish to tell those who suffer from a mental illness?

Kaila: First, that is okay to get help. It took me losing my husband and going through the worst experiences to realize that. I was so prideful and thought I didn’t need help, but I did. If you are depressed reach out for help. It will be the hardest task to overcome this ugly illness but it will be so worth it. Secondly, I would tell them that not all days will be dark. It may seem like it will never get better and that it will only get worse from where you are at now but someday there will be light at tunnel and you just got to keep pushing forward to see it. Make a checklist daily and look at every task as an accomplishment even getting out of bed because anyone that suffers from mental illness knows that is the hardest task of each day. Thirdly, that you are NOT alone. There are so many people that suffer daily but are too scared to reach out. Lastly, you are not weak and you’re life has a purpose. Everyone was placed on this earth to tell a story and to touch somebody’s life. You may never know who’s life you changed but you changed somebody’s. You story might be filled with some more ups and downs than others but it is okay. God will never give you more than you can handle and even though sometimes it feels like you can’t handle anymore he knows what he is doing. He believes you are strong enough to endure these hardships.

Me: Thank you for doing this with me. I know it’s hard to let someone in when you have so many feelings running through you.

Kaila:It was actually a nice healing project, thank you

Believe

Believe

About a month ago my aunt had asked me if I would make a few tops for my cousins. I simply said “YES”! I was happy and filled with so much joy that she had an interest in what I was doing. That she BELIEVED in me. I asked her what she wanted. She simply said, Believe.IMG_4129

It got me thinking long and hard about this word. It didn’t click much with me at all. It didn’t mesh very well. I needed to believe in myself, because I simply wanted to be unstoppable. I want to be fearless, I want to be strong, and I want to be successful. I want to be free.

Even though we are miles away, we still have a strong bond. A bond I know in my heart is hard to break. She just gets it. She gets me, she understands that I am broken in some areas, yet she always embraces me. She simply loves me. I guess in other words you can say she believes. It took me to do a lot of self-healing and accepting that my aunt did the best she could when she could. She held my hand during my whole pregnancy with Ava. She herself embraced Ava and loves her more than anyone will ever know. She wanted to take the time to be a part of my messy yet beautiful life. She supported me and all of me even if she didn’t agree with everything I did, or how I saw things.

Growing up she always would tell me

“Do what is right Sammie, not what is easy”IMG_4155

In my heart I knew what was ‘right’ and what was ‘easy’. My heart told me another while my mind tried to take over and try to feed me lies. I slowly believed the lies, I let them control my emotions, I let the lies control me. Yet it took getting my hands messy once again and put my boots on because I was going to get dirty, I was going to get messy. I was ready to dig deep and face the pain. I was ready to feel those raw emotions and let them sink in. I want to feel love, joy, happiness, and believe in myself! I was ready. I am still am!

Going through fonts with my aunt, making this top become alive was truly fun. I’m happy that her and I have a top that we can call our ‘’own’’ and share it with one another. For I have learned its not the miles that separate us from one another, it’s the commitment we want to put forward. It’s the effort we show. The little reminders of “I believe in you” or “I’m so proud of you” is what helps me know I’m doing the right thing, not what is easy.  
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“You are braver that you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”

Top: https://www.etsy.com/shop/ourunendingjourney

Confidence

The past couple weeks I have been in the zone. In the zone of working, being a mom, getting my Etsy shop all in line, managing to keep the home all together ( cooking, cleaning, being the best SO I can be, typical home life).

My confidence within myself I have noticed has grown stronger. I’m now at a point where I have found to love all my lines. All my curves. All my stretch marks and be happy with who I am. With how I look like. I’m not just getting stronger physically. I’m getting stronger mentally. IMG_3644

I have battled with a bit of insecure people the past couple of weeks, trying to make my mind, body and soul weaker. Yet I now see that I need to walk with people who believe in me, who support me and give me the unconditional love I need not just to survive, yet to walk taller as a person. To have the CONFIDENCE.

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“You are either as beautiful or as ugly you believe you are. You define your beauty. That’s not the power you hand to someone to have over you. You alone are beautiful. You alone make a difference. You alone are worthy.”

#Adoptionisbeautiful

Throughout the years I have had people try to break me down, some at the time I will admit they succeed, others I smiled because I was strong to remind myself I did a really good thing. I did this out of love. I did this for Ava. I did this to bless a family that wanted a child, that longed for a child, for all the right reasons.

I have come across my fair share of well, idiots in nice words to put it. I have come across loving people. I have come across good and bad.

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I am strong not because I placed, I am strong because not many can do what I did out of love, out of hope, out of joy, out of blessing. I didn’t do this for me, I did this for her. I did this for Ava because; she deserves nothing less then having the world at her finger tips, loving and embracing life. Embracing life with its fullness, embracing life and its adventures, embracing life with all its love. To know what having and being apart of a family is, to have that unconditional love. The love of acceptance, the love of knowing she is good enough. She is loved.

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Toxic can and it will consume you.

“Small minds can’t  compare to big spirits, to be great you must be prepared to be mocked; hated; misunderstood; people trying to bring you down. Remember stay strong you are enough”

There comes a point in life when we have to accept that some people are toxic and some people refuse to change no matter how much or little hope you have in them.
This week well I can say it’s been an interesting one.
I’ve learned that no matter where you go in life; the people that you love the most will hurt you; some will break you some will embrace you and some will break you down in a million and one pieces and watch you fall slowly between the cracks.
I’ve come to terms with my past; the choices I made; I’ve dug real deep to face the hurt and pain. I’m digging deep still trying to glue all these broken pieces I still have into something beautiful; something to look back at and say
“Wow! I did a pretty fucking good job dealing with everything; facing it; conquering it; growing from it; it made me strong and wise”
I’ve learned in personal relationships that some people just want to cause others pain: I don’t think it’s a vendetta; I think it’s more of they are suffering too; they don’t want to suffer alone so they will what they can to cause hurt. I find these type of people well emotionally broken; emotionally sick; for I was one of these persons too at one point of my life.
I have burned a lot of bridges when it comes to people throwing Ava in my face. It has taken me four years to finally realize that I myself as an individual I don’t need that type of toxic in my life. I don’t need people to cause me pain. At least not on purpose. I don’t need people to tell me that what I did was wrong; or better yet being open about adoption and meeting new people is a way of attention. I beg to disagree. For the lack of better terms I’m not just doing this for me: I’m doing this for others who need help, who know they aren’t alone, who know that it’s okay to feel pain, sadness, grief, happiness, joy and peace within placing.
It’s not fair to have it swept under the rug and feel alone.
I have learned that family are the people that will hurt you the most sometimes.
It’s taken time for some who I love deeply and who I admire to finally come around and tell me they understand and love me more for being brave. That they were sorry for pushing me to the side. Then there’s family like this week that try to fill my heart and soul with evil lies. It’s people like this I pray extra hard for; it’s people like this I cut off and move on from, because it’s people like this that will hold me back emotionally; and better yet physically and make my mind sick. Make me believe the wrong things. Make me less of who I am.
My name is Samantha, I placed my daughter up for adoption four years ago, it’s been a journey, it’s been a ride, it’s been high and low, it’s been a nightmare, it’s been happiness, I finally now have accepted and found peace, I am not just a birthmom. I’m strong, I have courage, I’m a mother to a beautiful boy.

Because I am BRAVE

She who is brave is free.

IMG_2714 I have learned not to be afraid of failing, I now have that mindset of I am afraid of never trying. IMG_2697

Etsy: https://www.etsy.com/shop/ourunendingjourney

STRENGTH

Strength.
Something I thought that was just a physical aspect.
Yet I was clearly mistaken. I have now come to terms that strength is also within the mind and soul.
The meaning of strength had changed so much to me throughout the years.
If you were to ask me four years ago I would have said. To be strong, to be able to pick up something heavy.
Then time changed, I slowly started to see that strength also comes within.
Strength is in the mind, strength is in soul, and strength is in the heart.
Being a birth-mom molded me to be stronger.
I let everyone’s negative outlook on me affect me. I let their toxic lies of how “weak” I was define me.
Yet it took me this long to finally knock down that wall and see how strong I really. My worth. My self love. My happiness. My struggle. My life.
I’m thankful for my struggle because without it I wouldn’t have stumbled across my strength. IMG_2546 IMG_2581

Today I am alive and anything is possible.

Inhale. Exhale. Inhale the good. Exhale the bad. Clear the mind from all negativity and embrace love and strength within.

I’ve been beyond vulnerable the past couple days. My heart trying to fight the lies my mind is trying to feed me. Sometimes the past comes rolling back in like an Oklahoma thunder storm in the middle of the summer.

My heart has been aching.
My soul has been a little broken.
My heart missing Ava.
My mind going a thousand miles per second.
My sanity a little lost.
I’ve learned throughout the months that people come and people go.
That people I thought were friends, really aren’t after all.
The people I shared my dreams with have slowly faded away once they saw my dreams become a reality. From blogging to screen printing. To moving by the beach to actually losing weight and keeping it off. To sketching again. Things that make me happy. Things that make me feel alive.
I’m learning fast that I don’t need these people in my life that will put a “limit” to my dreams; that will spread their negativity and fill my mind with lies that “I can’t do it; or that I will not succeed”
I’m slowly learning I can’t let anyone determined my goals, my mind, my soul, my attitude, or better yet my life. That I don’t need the satisfaction of others to determine how I should live my life or how I should dream.
I’ve noticed how toxic negativity can be. How it can consume the soul, mind, and heart. IMG_2334
I’ve noticed that my depression and anxiety has a lot to do with how I let others treat me and determine my worth in the past whether it was family or friends. From being told I’d be just like my mother, to being told I wouldn’t go far in life, to being told I was worthless, to being told that I was a little too fat that I should go on a diet, to being told that I will live an “okay life”. To being told I was a failure. To being told I was my mother when I placed Ava for adoption. To being told I made a “mistake”. To being told she will never love me. To being told I’m selfish.
The lies the heart believed, the feeling of being unloved. The feeling of not being good enough. I have realized from my time from being away from home and growing on my own, that I am worthy and I am something, I am someone. That Ava is beyond loved. That all these lies I have let dictate my life I need that to stop. Not just for my sanity yet for my family. For my son, for I have to slowly teach my son that I should not let other people tell me how I should feel or how I should dream. That I am me, my own person and that I can do great amazing things. Even on my bad days where I feel weak and broken I’m still an amazing person.
To cheer myself on. To push myself a little each day. I have learned that to live life we must feel life, to live life we must take risks. It’s baby steps yet I’m will take on the fight. For I have learned whats consumes your mind, will end up consuming your life. Today I am alive anything is possible.