Category Archives: parenting

Dear Brave Soul,

Dear Brave Soul, I want to spend five minutes to remind you how much I admire you. How much you matter to me. 

It takes a lot of bravery to be in “our shoes”. 

If you’re having a shit day I’m here for you. I’m here for you because I get it. I know that the grieving can take a toll. Not just with your mind and soul yet your body as well. 

I’m here for you for all the reasons left unsaid. 

I’m your biggest fan. When in doubt I look to you. To the community. How strong we are together as a whole. That we link arms with one another and help fight this hellish beautiful fight. 

You’re brave for everything you’ve done. For everything you have been through. You’re brave for getting through those sleepless nights. You’re brave from finally stopping yourself from crying, even though it’s been four days straight. Your face is finally numb and you think just maybe the numbness will take away the grief and pain. 

Yet my dear brave soul. You are brave for giving life! That is what I want to celebrate the most! You are brave for getting through this. You’re brave because when no one was there for you; you were there for this life inside you. It’s women like you that help me pick up my dragging feet and hold my head HIGH. 

It’s women like you that I long for to meet face to face and tell you how much I dearly love you. 

It’s women like you that remind me that when I’m having a shit day or feel nothing you show me that my dear beautiful birth daughter is beyond blessed. When I feel guilty at times for having a life with my son you remind me that I have to brave and strong for him. To remind him daily that he has a half sister and one day maybe one day they will hold hands and play. Or better yet maybe be at one another’s wedding. Oh the days like this that help me push and fight my fight. It’s you that taught me that my bravery is all up to me. That you will be here to hold my hand yet you are here to support me and love me. 

Oh my beautiful brave soul I can’t tell you how much I love you. 

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Six weeks all in one

 

My alarm clock goes off this morning.  One of two things go off inside of me. Wake up and get the day started or hit snooze and repeat this process about fifteen times. I’m laying in bed to think about this for ten more seconds before my mind explodes from hearing the alarm go off. I choose to lay in bed. I have no energy left within me. I feel a lack of love from everyone around me. I feel alone and small. I just want to hide under the sheets and let everyone pretend I’m okay. Yet that’s a lie all in itself. It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to be aware that there is hurt within me and is causing suffering to my mind, body, and soul. It’s okay to admit I need help. I need love. I need embracement. I need reminders from family and friends. I need that connection. I need to feel appreciated. All these are needs. Needs we humans need from time to time. They aren’t wants, they aren’t “what ifs” they are simply needs. I have my moments when I feel like a lion and when I feel like a mouse. Today I feel like a mouse, I’m finally ready to reflect what this past month. On the days I feel small I have to remind myself twice as hard I’m worthy of love, my voice is worthy of a roar. I’m reminding myself I’m worthy of healing. I’m worthy of great greatness. The past six weeks has been such a blur. When I say blur I mean a complete mess of chaos and happiness all in one.

We had our California Mexico trip six weeks ago, we need a vacation from our vacation since all this maddens was about to occur.  We had to get in packing mode to move to our new home. Try to unpack the new house, get settled in, start my new job, all in between all this madness I’m trying to find that quiet time like now to just work on my projects, and last but not least finding that time to breath, catch up, and not lose my sanity.IMG_6018

We went to Mexico for a few days. I got to see my mom. For the first time in a long time we didn’t fight or argue. Instead we laughed and she played with my son. She’s a grandma now and she acted among the part really well. I’m proud of her.  You can really tell she is trying her best to be as sane as she can be. I give her credit for that.  It made me so happy to see my mom interact and form a relationship with my son and Derrik. I won’t lie a part of me wishes that was me. I sometimes wished life could have been different. Where I had my mom fully there. Mentally and physically. Someone who would interact with me make me feel safe. Someone to teach me how to love. I’m happy to say Elijah is her second chance. So far she’s making me very proud to be her daughter. From seeing her this last time it made me see that it’s my time to invest in her now. I need to invest in the reflection I wish the world to see. That investing starts with myself, my son, Derrik, and now my mother. I’m learning that expanding in growth there comes so much goodness. For that I thank God for guiding me there spiritually.IMG_6324

California had its moments. I got into a spat with my aunt. It hurt me. It really dug deep within me. I felt hurt, her action made me feel abandoned. She didn’t agree with my parenting. I know Derrik and I will never be the perfect parents in the world, yet I will always try my best to be the best for my son. I believe in positive parenting. I honestly think it’s a trigger for some people in my family. Derrik and I don’t believe in spanking and don’t believe to humiliate our child in front of others. We try to let Elijah know that some things are not okay and will teach him how to do things better. Example: We don’t hit people when we are upset. We go to the person who upset us and say “you upset me”. Yes Elijah is two yet he gets this concept he says “no okay mommy” translation for me; I hurt my son what can I do to be a better parent. My aunt just didn’t see any of this. She wanted us to pretend since we were on “vacation” to pretend to let it go and let Elijah pay for it later by retraining and getting him frustrated and explaining to him why he could get away with things in California and not at home. I didn’t think that was right and she hated the fact that I stood up for myself and my son ( since I was trying to save him from being confused and thinking it’s okay  to lash out just to lash out instead of using our positive parenting methods) she hated this she and fought with me. I was called many names. She walked out and didn’t even say goodbye to Elijah. I tried several times to reach out to her, yet she denied me, she denied my son. I felt so hurt by her. All because for the first time in her life I could tell her no and not get smacked or yelled at for it. One time she had to keep her cool because Derrik was there. I know that if he wasn’t everything would have been ten times worse. I felt so much pain because for the first time she was going to meet Ava and she walked away from that opportunity as well. I was ready to open a part of this world with her. I was ready for her to see Ava and hug her. To smile with her. To embrace her. I had so much sorrow for my son and Ava. She really knew where to strike her new wound with me.  My aunt reminded me through all this ugly that I have to let go of the hurt she has caused me and fight for hope. Every sorrow she has given me has made me dig deeper to let go and fight the fight. That I am brave.

For the first time Derrik and Elijah got to experience Lego Land, Disney land with real authentic Mexican food for nine days straight, to meeting most of everyone in my crazy Latina family and seeing Ava and Karin.IMG_6345IMG_6287

It’s been almost three years since I had seen Ava in person.  My heart was racing when I saw her and Karin. All I could do was hug her and hold tight for thirty seconds and thank God for letting me and my family see her again. I had my moments when I needed to step aside and get a breather. To be honest Ava clicked with Derrik so well I got a tad bit jealous. Elijah and Ava were inseparable. They held hands, played and rode rides together. This day was perfect for me and my family. There was hard times for my grandma, you could see her watery eyes from time to time. My grandma was so brave and so strong. I was so afraid there would be a sly comment or a day well spent ruined. My chest felt heavy sometimes when Elijah would call me mommy and Ava didn’t. Yet that’s the path I chose Yes it’s hard from time to time yet I chose to place Ava for many reasons. The love she gets from her mom and dad is the love I lacked to give her at the time. My greatest gift I could give her was to place her with people who were mentally, emotionally, and financially okay to do so. I felt numb when saying goodbye. I felt a whole and broken all at the same time.  I wanted this day to play over and over just a couple more times. Everything was just a fog after that. My week continued on yet it was one big blur. I didn’t really want to break down when I was in California. I didn’t want my family to see this weak side of me. One that has to force herself to get out of bed from time to time just to live life. I had to wear a mask because we never really talk about it. I feel many are afraid to hear the truth when it comes to Ava. I couldn’t let this hurt me till after we were done moving. I didn’t have time to process my feelings. I had to keep them bottled up till well now.

I sit here in silence while Elijah is sleeping and Derrik is at work. All I can do is just breath heavy and let it out. Let out the tears of joy and sadness I have had bottled up inside of me for a couple weeks now. The feelings I have right now are just raw emotions.  An ounce of panic and fear. A lack of trust I have people when it comes to just letting it out when I need to cry my soul out. The endless pleas and prayers. A little bit of me grieving again. Yet mostly grieving for my son who is so young to understand what Disneyland was all about. To just keep pushing myself to teach him the love I have for him and Ava. That the love I have is no greater than the other. My heart is filled with so much coldness and warmth I long of hope to fully be happy and not have a bad day take over and consume my mind. The baby steps I’m still working towards to. The fight I’m fighting even when I feel like giving up. People tell me that it’s over and done with to move on. To leave it alone. To keep it hush hush.  How do I process that I will always be an outcast?  Putting energy to my healing and being open means pain on my part, how do I process to think everything is going well when BAM a horrible day comes and I feel numb and weak all over again? I feel like some days I’m walking along the road picking flowers on my way to freedom to being free within. There are other days when I’m standing on the edge of a dark deep hole of emotions that have no way out yet to fall deep, deep down and hit rock bottom and be broken into a million pieces and put myself back together again. I keep standing on that edge trying to force myself to walk away most days. It used to be all days…now it’s just some. For my son’s sake and Ava’s I try not to have many mental break downs anymore. I wait for therapy. I wait to be alone. For me it’s all about baby steps. I know I’m doing better, I’m moving forward. I’m just going to try to do the best I can in this confusing, painful, joyful, sorrow hole of mine.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

#BMstrong [Birth-mom Strong]

Two words: Birth-mom and Strong.

I am Birth-mom Strong.IMG_5616 (2)

A motto I have learned to embrace this past year. I can reflect back on a time that sparked the spiral towards my hate and self-doubt. The past several years, I have been on a journey to reverse the trauma done to me by others and myself, since I have placed. I’m pushing through the thorns, standing up after each fall I have made. The hardest thing for me to do is to set my mind into my life, my heart and soul. This road I am on hasn’t been traveled very often. Yet I see the sunny road ahead, one of self-discovery, cleansing my mind and body of all the negative toxins that I have kept bottled up these past almost five years.

I am in self-discovery mode. Call it “selfish time” if you must. I have made a lot of choices. Ones That I am more proud of than others. Yet I have come to realize that I can sit here and ponder about the past and be sad, or get back up fight my fight and be a strong woman that I am becoming today. For I have realized this is MY future. MY healing. MY life. MY time of self-love, self-growth, and self-healing. It’s no one else’s. Though for a long time I have believed that. I had a mask on and pretended to be happy with the life I was living. I was told to embrace my shame and not be proud. Even though there was such a higher power telling me otherwise; to speak up, fight my fight, and embrace who I really am.

Self-discovery is messy. It will have its painful moments. The type of moments were you can’t breathe and everything starts to become a blur. Everything just slips from your hands, you’re not in control anymore. You start to feel like a puppet. Wanting to accept the pain has given me a complete different outlook in life. Having ambition comes with its own problems too. I’ve learned that believing in myself can be a difficult task, but it’s one of the important keys I need to have for this journey. Accomplishing my greatest aspirations. To choosing the road that has so many turns, some paths rockier than others. Yet I deserve to have this experience that comes to a beautiful end of seeing myself be the woman I should be. Standing tall and proud of the path I have been traveling.IMG_5617 (2)

Elijah has changed my outlook in life more than I can say. I started to really accept who I was when I found out I was pregnant with Elijah. I envisioned myself to be proud of who I am. One that wasn’t ashamed to say “I am a birth-mom” or “I placed my daughter for adoption out of love.”  To not taking the looks of others personally and have self-shame. Wanting to be birth-mom strong isn’t something that came to me over night. It has taken me a lot of sleepless nights, days that I spent crying. I have come to accept that not every day will be a good day, and that’s OKAY! I will have my moments of grief and I wont beat myself up for it anymore. Yet coming this far I can smile and be happy with who I am. My biggest fear was having my son and Ava hate me. I never want them to feel like she wasn’t “important”. I have come to the realization that this fear won’t become my reality. I will teach my son in his early childhood and through his life about Ava. About the choice I made. The pain I went through, the pain I will still go through. The happiness I have when I think of her. He will know to be proud of me. I will not be ashamed when he asks me. For I choose to be stronger than this.

Being birth-mom strong for me is being selfless, to not be ashamed of my choice. Giving a piece of me away to a loving family. One that I have to have complete trust with. I will never feel whole again, yet my shattered pieces of my heart will always be intact. To being fearless and having that never-ending strength to be strong and proud of the life I have not just chosen for myself, yet for the one I chosen for Ava. Having my head held high and not having an ounce of guilt or shame. To finding peace within myself and being proud that I am a birth-mom. One my son can be proud of as well.

Birth-mom Strong has so many different definitions by every single different mother who has placed.

I asked several Birth-moms to give  me their own meaning of being Birthmom Strong, this is what they had to say. I love each response.

[None of these have been altered, anonymous is kept for the privacy of their identity.] 

Roanne Olsen- Being birth mom strong is being a role model to my birth son. He just turned 18 and considers me his biggest role model.

Nicole Paulson- Being birth mom strong means being fearless. It means facing judgement knowing I did what was best for my child and myself.

Chanel Alyss Green-It’s reaching deep down and shattering my own heart to make someone else’s family whole. #birthmomstrong

Annaleece Merrill- It means that there is a piece of my heart that lives outside my body now, and is in the arms of someone else. And I will never quite feel whole again, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel perfect

Heather Gossett- It’s about giving but what you want and think you need, and giving that innocent baby the family and life that he or she really needs.

Anonymous- It means being selfless, strong, ambitious, courageous loving, and caring. Everyone’s story is different but we all have one thing in common unconditional love for our babies. Every day is a silent struggle. We live our life’s everyday crying inside. Trying to act like everything is ok. We still pull through. It so hard but worth see my birth son alive living a better life.

“I didn’t want to accept the fact that I had postpartum”

I wanted to do something a little different for this blog entry. I wanted to be able to hit a wider audience and try to spread the word about postpartum depression, anxiety, being a first time mom, along with how hard relationships can be at times.

I as a first time mom, know the daily struggles of trying to balance myself mentally and spiritually, along with being the best mother I can be, and partner even when I fail at times. My postpartum was honestly a hard thing to face, still is to this day! I am very open about my depression and anxiety; as most of you know. I had the privilege to interview a dear friend who I have known for quite a while now. She is fighting her fight daily. I admire her for all the right reasons. I’m very fortunate to have friends that are willing to give me the privilege to dig into their hearts and souls and let me get my hands messy with them and dig into to rawness of their pain, to not just help them, yet to wanting to help others. Hearing Kaila’s story helped me in so many ways.

This interview is real, all pictures have been approved by Kaila. Nothing has been modified. Here is Kaila’s journey….

Me: We have known each other for little over 7 years now. We were once co-workers. It’s funny how fast time flies by. We both have children now roughly the same age. Has becoming a mother been challenging at times? Or do I feel alone when it comes to being a parent?

Kaila: Yea, becoming a mother was the most challenging time of my life and still is. I really wasn’t ready for a baby and was scared to death when I found out. My doctor had told me about a year prior to me getting pregnant that I shouldn’t have children. He said it would be very difficult for me to conceive and if I did, I would have a really difficult pregnancy and the child would have medical issues if it survived. So when I got pregnant it was a complete surprise. Billy and our families were really supportive during my pregnancy. I did end up being a high risk pregnancy and had a hard 10 months. I was in and out of the hospital and would have go to multiple doctors’ visits a week. After I had Paislie I had awful postpartum depression. I thought at first it was just my hormones all out of wack, but it continued for months and ended up lasting over a year. I didn’t want to accept the fact that I had postpartum and I didn’t really know who to talk to. I was always under the impression the people that had PPD were the ones that killed their babies. I didn’t want people think I was crazy and wanted to hurt my baby because it wasn’t like that at all. I was just sad, I felt numb, felt no emotions. I would feel so guiltily not being happy over a new thing Paislie had done, but I couldn’t help it. I would try my hardest but I felt nothing. I would have some good days and finally think I was better, but most days were dark. I wouldn’t even be able to get out of bed or get dressed some days. At first Billy tried to help, but towards the end he couldn’t handle it. He became very inconsiderate towards my feelings and was very neglectful. The first year of Paislie’s life was the not only the most challenging time of my life but the loneliest. I felt that if I couldn’t even talk to my own husband who was my best friend than who I could talk too. If that person couldn’t love me and help me than no one could. I considered taking my life multiple times the first year but couldn’t imagine leaving Paislie and Billy alone. I convinced myself their happiness was worth more than my depression. Some days that worked, but most it didn’t. My family helped me a lot with her the first year since Billy worked so much. He was never home and when he was home he didn’t participate, so I felt like a single mom. After Billy and I separated this took on a whole new meaning. I could no longer call him when I was stressed out with Paislie or needed to vent to him about my day. I no longer had that person to share exciting or happy moments Paislie and I had. I no longer had him to call to share a new “first” she just did. Being a single mom is the loneliest thing which make it so much more complicated.  Thankfully my sisters, my parents and best friends help out a lot because without them I wouldn’t be able to do it. I thank God daily for such a strong support system, because every day there’s a new complication and of course somedays aren’t bad but somedays I look forward to when Paislie goes to her dad’s so I can get a break, but then of course I feel guilty after and miss her so much when she is gone. I think the days I don’t have her though are the most challenging. I have to try engulf myself in something so that I am so busy that I don’t worry and over think. Unfortunately Billy and I have an awful relationship now and we can’t even co-parent, so when she is gone I know nothing. I don’t know if she had a good day, what she ate, if she had a bad dream, if she was happy, if she woke up sick, if she learned something new, nothing. So those are probably the most challenging days because even though I am a mother I know nothing about my daughter those 3 1/2 days. I’ll try to reach out to him somedays to see how she is hoping he will just respond and tell me she is happy but every time it ends the same, with no response.12399304_221362141537825_410839425_n

Me: You told me not to long ago that I inspire you to share your voice, along with to not give up fighting my fight. Do you believe the same for yourself?  Do you think by doing this interview with me you wish to help new mothers, single mothers, and mothers with postpartum depression?

Kaila: Of course. I never even would wish my worst enemy to feel the way I did and do at times. I made a lot of mistakes which ultimately I believe was a factor of my divorce. I never thought it was before, I thought you could just “snap out of it” and I’m a medical professional, but you can’t all the time. Sometimes you need help or medication and that’s okay.  I don’t want other women to feel alone and scared like I did. They are so many resources out that and if we all spoke out about our struggles we could help each other, we could embrace each other, and help strengthen each other. What I learned is that you can’t do it alone, you need a support system, you need people to talk to, people to listen to you, people to pray with you and sometimes a person that can just tell you it will be okay. Too many women fight this ugly beast behind closed doors because they are scared of what others think. They think others will see them as weak and that they are looking for attention, but that’s not it. That’s not okay that society has made depression into a thing that we are too scared to seek help for. It is an actually medical disorder. It took me a long time to realize that because I was that women that people looked at as strong and who had the “perfect” life, but I really wasn’t. I would cry myself to sleep every night because I didn’t know what was wrong with. I can only wish that if anyone is struggling or even has thoughts of killing themselves like I did that they get help and know that it is okay to get help. And most importantly I want women to know that they are NOT alone. That things may not be okay right now and everything may seem hopeless but it does get better.

Me: Your honesty has me moved. You speak the truth, I bet you have some eyebrows raised. Some are probably thinking “how can she be so honest and raw?” You have managed to be the few that supported me with kind words when it came to me placing. Were you still proud to call me a friend once you learned my story?

Kaila: Of course I was. I truly feel that is one of the strongest things a women can do. A mother’s love is doing what is best for your child no matter what and you did that. Sammie, not a lot of girls could have done what you did and I am so proud of you, still to this day. You took responsibility for your actions, carried a baby a full pregnancy and made the ultimate sacrifice for your daughter which results in not only the b12570827_221358698204836_1986660659_nest life for her, but also happiness for a couple that wanted a baby.

Me: Thank you; that honestly means a lot. I still feel like not many are pleased with me. I still get side comments, hate mail via email, sometimes and a random text of hate. It’s friendships like yours I truly value. Tell me three things about Paislie.

Kaila: What is there to say about Miss Paislie lol.

  1. She is obsessed with minions
  2. She is an outdoors girl and would live outside if I let her, but she is totally girly at the same time and loves to play with makeup and wear jewelry
  3. She is very musically inclined. She loves to sing and dance especially to Justin Beiber. Her favorite songs are Baby and Sorry, she actually sings the chorus for both too which is hilarious                                                                                                                                     Me: Wow that’s amazing! I noticed a complete change in you once we started talking about Paislie, I can tell she brings the life back in you. What are some coping skills you have managed to learn now that you have fully accepted the fact you have depression?

12583743_221358794871493_1288487105_nKaila: She is my life and my joy. I love her with every fiber of my being. Well, there are multiple things I do. I read my bible and pray daily for God to fill me with his love, joy and peace. Without his love and forgiveness I wouldn’t be where I am today. Whenever I am having a difficult time I just start to pray and feel immediate calmness. My lowest point of depression brought me into the deepest relationship I have ever had with him and I am never turning back. He has saved me in some many ways. I have my sisters and my bestfriends who I can always turn or vent to after a long day. They know I am depressed and check on my daily. They inspire me and fill me with positive thoughts. I know when I am having a bad day they will be there even if they have to drive to talk to me face to face. Another thing is exercise. I can always take out my frustration and sadness out in my workouts. This helps my nerves alot. Lastly, I see a psychologist weekly and a psychiatrist monthly. Honestly, seeing a psychologist has helped me tremendously. It’s nice having a third party look into my life and help me process my thoughts. My psychologist is amazing. He was the psychologist I saw in ICU when I tried to kill myself. I thought he was awesome but I didn’t want to drive an hour to see him. It took me seeing over 15 other psychologist until I realize God brought him in my life for a reason. I now drive over an hour to see him and it is totally worth it. I look forward to our visits.

Me: What is one thing you wish to tell those who suffer from a mental illness?

Kaila: First, that is okay to get help. It took me losing my husband and going through the worst experiences to realize that. I was so prideful and thought I didn’t need help, but I did. If you are depressed reach out for help. It will be the hardest task to overcome this ugly illness but it will be so worth it. Secondly, I would tell them that not all days will be dark. It may seem like it will never get better and that it will only get worse from where you are at now but someday there will be light at tunnel and you just got to keep pushing forward to see it. Make a checklist daily and look at every task as an accomplishment even getting out of bed because anyone that suffers from mental illness knows that is the hardest task of each day. Thirdly, that you are NOT alone. There are so many people that suffer daily but are too scared to reach out. Lastly, you are not weak and you’re life has a purpose. Everyone was placed on this earth to tell a story and to touch somebody’s life. You may never know who’s life you changed but you changed somebody’s. You story might be filled with some more ups and downs than others but it is okay. God will never give you more than you can handle and even though sometimes it feels like you can’t handle anymore he knows what he is doing. He believes you are strong enough to endure these hardships.

Me: Thank you for doing this with me. I know it’s hard to let someone in when you have so many feelings running through you.

Kaila:It was actually a nice healing project, thank you

Interviews Part One

Throughout this journey I have met some pretty awesome women, women who are strong in their own way. I had the privilege to interview two birth mothers and one adoptive mother. Each story is different. The interviews are real and honest. Nothing has been modified. All pictures shared are approved and sent personally from each interviewee. I wanted to try something new and different. Interviewing these three lovely ladies has opened my heart to new emotions. I admire each lady for their own reasons. I thank you for believing in me and helping  make this vision come alive. Because of you three I able to share your truths and help others. If it’s helping them on wanting to start to heal, the need of reassurance that adoption is the best choice for them, or helping those see that adoption is the right choice for you and your family. I thank these women for being honest.

“The one thing that you have that nobody else has is you. Your voice, your mind, your story, your vision. So write and draw and build and play and dance and live life as you can”

 I have had the pleasure of meeting some pretty strong women. Brina and I are in a Birth mom’s group on Facebook. We have talked a bit and she is also a supporter of  “My Truth Ourunendingjourney” She is back packing around Europe right now. She is on her healing journey to grow mentally and spiritually within herself. She has had the pleasure of seeing her birth son and his beautiful family. They have embraced Brina and welcomed her in their home. I see her updates and the pictures she posts. I see how happy she is right now. That inner bliss has been found. Brina I wish nothing but peace and happiness as you continue your travels and adventures throughout Europe.12248668_10153254873643527_1217514123_n

Your name.
Brina Collins
Describe the day you first found out you were pregnant.
I was overwhelmed. There were so many emotions going through me, and I wasn’t sure what I was going to do. I spent quite a bit of time crying and napping.
What where your thoughts?
I was terrified. I didn’t know how I was going to take care of a child. I was so broke that I had spent my last $10 on a pregnancy test. I couldn’t believe that I was growing a human.
When did you know you placing was the best choice to make?
I knew that I didn’t want my child to grow up in poverty. There were times in my childhood when we were poor, and I never wanted him to have to sacrifice for me. I wanted him to have an idyllic childhood.
What does being a birth mom mean to you?
Being a birth mom means that I made a choice and I will live with the effects of that choice for the rest of my life. It means that I’ve decided that I need to stay safe and healthy, because I am the only birth mom my son will ever have. I want him to always know how loved he is. It means that even though I don’t have parental responsibilities towards my son, I still choose to be responsible for my role in his life.
What where it still are your fears?
I am still afraid that my son will hate me one day. I know that he’ll have his own thoughts and opinions on adoption, and I will respect those 100%, but it is still scary.
Did you choose your birth child’s name?
Yes!
If so why did you choose that name?
Honestly, it was the only name that I liked with my dad’s middle name. The meaning behind it fits my son so perfectly though.
Is your adoption open or closed?
Very, very, very open.
Do you sometime wish it was open or closed instead?
Never.
What is one piece of advice you wish to share with other birth parents?
Let yourself grieve. It is natural and healing. The only way out of grief is through it.
What is your ultimate wish for your birth child?
I hope that he is happy and safe. I would do anything to make sure of that.

To read Brina’s blog click here:

http://www.reflectionsofabirthmother.com/

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A couple of months ago one of my dear friends had tagged me on a post from Instagram. I fell in love right away, with Ashley. I know this woman as the owner of Big Tough Girl. I looked at her site http://www.bigtoughgirl.org four a couple hours and one thing that sucked me was her definition of a Big Tough Girl
“A Big Tough Girl™ is any WOMAN that can and will maintain the ability to endure, to carry on, to push through without weakening or perishing. SHE is able to go on in the face of pain, loss, discouragement or suffering without being defeated. SHE will continue to move forward without regret, in healing and happiness. SHE has the ability to stand firm in her life, move past her greatest fears, and live an inspired life that shines a positive light for the world to see.”
-Ashley Mitchell, Owner BTG
This here is what I needed, it’s helped me in a lot of ways, especially on pushing myself with my screen tees and blog. I know I’m not famous, I know I don’t make any money off what I doing. I’m lucky to get a sell here and there throughout the week, it’s not that. It’s knowing when someone takes interest in what I’m doing. It’s nice to know I get that little support. If you have time, please check out Ashley’s Site and Blog it’s amazing! It’s honestly the type of girl power, healing, moving forward raw deep read we women need. She has formed a community worth being a part of. A woman I admire for all the right reasons. I’ve never met this woman face to face, yet I know if I do I would embrace her with love and hug the living day lights out of her. I would scream and jump for joy. As I did more digging it turned out that she and I are a part of the same birth mom community on Facebook. How I missed this before kills me to know I could have learned from this woman a year ago. I was intimated to send her a friend request yet I had the courage to do so. When she accepted it really made my week. Her posts are loving, and helps me with my healing. I have never see someone be so open about adoption. So honest. I was scared to reach out to Ashley and interview her, yet something inside me told me should make the time and help support me on my journey to help others.

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Your name.
Ashley Mitchell, Owner Big Tough Girl™

Describe the day you first found out you were pregnant. What where your thoughts?
I think knew that I was pregnant long before I took my test but I was terrified. I couldn’t bring myself to take the test. I prayed day and night that somehow it would just “go away”, that I was going to be able to wake up from this nightmare and I wouldn’t have to face the reality of what was happening. I had to take a test, I had to know for sure, I had to confirm what I knew all along. I was alone, I was so scared and when the test was positive I sat on the bathroom floor in the basement of my parent’s house and wept!

When did you know you placing was the best choice to make?
For me it wasn’t about making the decision to place with 100% confidence. I never had that kind of clarity. For me it was about making the decision and then choosing to live with it every day for the rest of my life. I had a very powerful, terrifying and life changing event that took place at an abortion clinic. When God stepped in and showed his hand then I knew that Adoption was the ONLY option for my son.

What does being a birth mom mean to you?
Motherhood found me differently. When I became a Mother for the first time it was under unplanned circumstances. I always wanted to have a baby…but not like this! I had been dreaming of this moment for so long…but because of choices in my life, at the age of 26 I placed my newborn baby boy in the arms of another woman, one that would be known as mother and that would be with him as his parent. At the age of 26 I became a Birth Mother and my life changed forever!

What were or still are your fears?
My goal in life is to never be fearless. I am grateful for my fear. It protects me of many things. But I pray that I can always move forward in my life and tackle things that I truly have a passion for regardless of what my fear is telling me. I fear many things in this adoption journey. So many things are unknown to me. I don’t have a crystal ball. I fear talking seriously with my children that I parent about my past and who their mother once was, I fear the day that my son that I placed and I get to sit down and deeply and intimately get to talk about choices that I made years ago. I fear that he will never truly know the love in my heart for him, that he has never left me, that I long for him daily. I fear my role in his life…that he may want more than I can ever give. This journey is terrifying.

Did you choose your birth child’s name? If so why did you choose that name?
From the moment I picked the family that would later adopt my son I had to make a shift in my thoughts and emotions. I had to “detach” as much as possible from what was happening. I wanted this to be their baby as much as possible. I asked that they choose a name for him. I never had a name for him picked out, I never needed that for myself. From the moment he was born he was who they wanted him to be. His original birth certificate lists his name with their last name and me as his mother. I think it represents us both beautifully.

Is your adoption open or closed?
We have an open adoption.

Do you sometime wish it was open or closed instead?
There is no off switch to this role of motherhood. I spent years away from them, from him. It was never officially closed but I didn’t hesitate in taking the time I needed to grieve, freak out, be destructive, get burned to the group and to rebuild my life. I am grateful that they forgave so much and allowed me to come back, to build a relationship and that they have loved me through it all. This relationship has changed so much over the years….just like any other relationship in my life it evolves, changes, adjusts, goes through highs and lows and ebbs and flows.

What is one piece of advice you wish to share with other birth parents?
There is life after placement! You have an opportunity to make this experience whatever you want to make it. It will make or break you…and sometimes it does a little bit of both. Feel everything you need to feel, allow yourself to grieve and don’t be afraid to go after what you want. There is no manual. Do what you feel is best for YOU. No journey is the same. Don’t allow yourself to get caught up in the comparisons. Please know that you are NOT alone. This is hard, it usually gets worse before it gets better but the outcome is UP TO YOU!

What is your ultimate wish for your birth child?
He is a magical kid. I am so humbled and honored to be the one that gave him life. He has an amazing family that is helping him life it. I pray daily for him. That he will continue to grow in love and support. That his heart will remain open to all the information and adjustments that he will experience in his life. That he will always want to know me and spend time with me…but if not that he always knows of my love for him. That he is patient with me in his desires for a relationship and that he continues to walk in his amazing heart for forgiveness.11900032_677653422370036_4959656932628610311_n (1)

 

Erika was on my last post. She wrote a kind, heart felt loving letter to her birth mom who placed her daughter. The letter was short and sweet. These words have stayed with me since I read her letter.
“I wish I could tell you how grateful I am for Jayde. You gave her to us. You kept her healthy, and I could never thank you enough for that. I promise that John and I will be the best parents we can be to her and I promise to always remind her that you loved her. I promise to help make her proud of who she is, and her story.”
Erika’s story is a beautiful and sad one at the same time. She has opened up my eyes. That yes one set of parents may be dealing with a loss, yet another is gifted with a blessing. She has been so open about her adoption process. She has showed me the losses she had to go through with her husband. Yet one thing I admire is how humble they are. The loving hearts they have. She has never met me face to face only through Facebook and the Military support group we are a part of.  Yet the love she have given me is one thing I didn’t think I would get from another adoptive parent. I have been so stuck on how painful it is for birthparent’s. I lost sight of how hard it must be for those who end up adopting. We see them as our saving grace, our angles. Ones that we put our trust into to raise, to love, to protect, to teach, to adventure with our birth children. I noticed we sometimes [ I ] forget that adoptive parents have gone through losses as well. Having miscarriages, to still born babies. I forget the pain and sadness that’s in their eyes as well. The friendship Erika and I are forming is a slow and beautiful one. I noticed that we are opening each other’s eyes on so many things. We live three hours away and how I long to meet her and hug her when the day and time is right for the both of us. The connection I have with her is special and beautiful all on its own.

Your name.
Erika
How long did you try to have a family and realized adoption was the best path for you and your husband?
4 years. We lost 2 babies, did tons of testing and it just never happened. We decided to become foster parents (hoping we’d be lucky enough to adopt). Our first placement was Jayde! It was fate. She was meant to meet us and we were meant to be her parents. Adoption honestly intimidated me because I was nervous to be shot down or not chosen. I was also nervous that I wouldn’t be able to connect with a child that wasn’t mine, but I knew that whatever was meant to happen would! Adoption was our way to start a family, I wouldn’t let fear keep us from that.

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Do you feel like you failed sometimes?
I feel like I failed all the times, even now. My body failed. It’s meant to carry children and it can’t do that. I think I’ll always have a little feeling of failure when it comes to that. But I’m extremely happy with where this journey took us.
Is your family supportive of you and your husband choosing adoption?
Our families are SO supportive thank goodness. I was worried that they wouldn’t be able to bond with them, but my family and my husband’s family are in love with Jayde. I don’t think they could love her more than they do. I’m so grateful to have their support with this because they knew how badly we wanted to be parents.
Did you ever feel pressured to keep trying?
I 100% always felt pressured to keep trying. Mainly by myself. My husband told me time and time again that he’d be fine with no kids if it meant keeping our sanity. Infertility does that to you, it drives you mad! I wanted to experience pregnancy and I still do. But in the end all I really wanted was to be a mommy! So I’m thankful I get to be one.
Did you ever want to back out once you got in the process of adopting?
Not even once! Especially when we found out about Jayde and then met her. I just knew instantly she was mine. I have never been so overwhelmed with love like that. I never knew it could come too easily and so naturally with a child that wasn’t biologically yours.
Is your adoption closed or opened?
We actually have no idea who her birth parents are! Which is good and bad in our case. Bad because we have no idea any of her health history, and we wish we could’ve had a bond with the birthmother. Good because it has made adopting from foster care an easier process.
Did you choose your adoptive child’s name? If so why that name?
We did choose her name! Our daughter came into foster care with no name, so she had to go by Jane Doe. Which we absolutely hate! Her name is Evalina Jayde! Evalina means Life! (She goes by Jayde) I couldn’t think of anything more perfect than that in our situation.
What is your one wish to your birth parent?
I wish I could thank them, and tell them how happy our little girl is. I also wish that they this decision put their life in a better direction if that’s what they wanted.
What is your piece of advice to those who can’t have children yet fear the thought of adoption?
Adoption is incredible. I never thought it would be a part of our journey but I’m so grateful it came into our path. You CAN and WILL love that child as your own, sometimes you may even have to remind yourself they didn’t come from you biologically! I have never been so happy in my life and everything we’ve gone through truly did lead us to Jayde. She couldn’t be more perfect for us if we had made her ourselves.

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To read about Erika’s journey as being an adoptive parent you can read her blog here: http://dayswithjayde.blogspot.com

Stay tuned for Part Two. As I get the strength and courage to put together the interviews of loved ones that went through my pregnancy and adoption process with me. 

#MYTRUTHMATTERS

[I asked for a couple Birth Parents to share their stories; to share their thoughts and feelings on placing. These are real stories, each story is different; each pain is different yet the one thing we have in common is we did this out of love.]

“She could never go back and make some of the details pretty. All she could do was move forward and make the WHOLE beautiful.”

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It’s been four years. Four years of sadness, grief, heartache, sleepless nights, pain, happiness, joy, strength, hope, I can go on forever. People think that placing is easy, that it’s a walk in the park. Yet there is so much more to that. It hasn’t just affected me, it’s affected my family and friends. It’s ruined some of my relationships. All this pain and happiness I have throughout the years; it’s been hard and easy all at the same time: yet, I wouldn’t change it for the world. During my pregnancy I was in doubt. I was in denial. I didn’t want to accept that I was pregnant that I was going to fail as a parent. That I would be a single parent at that: I would be struggling to make ends meet. I wasn’t emotionally ready. I didn’t believe in abortion then or now. My life wasn’t at risk or Ava’s. I would have been so selfish to do so. I would be so evil to end someone’s life because of my mistakes. I could have looked at this and told myself I can do this on my own, yet who was I kidding? I knew I couldn’t have given her a fraction of the life she really deserved. Did Ava really deserve a life like mine? A life where she would be homeless for a while, or watch her mom get beat up by her boyfriend? Live in motel to motel. Get taken away from school because your mother was an “unfit” parent? To live from aunt to aunt. Have your grandma be your mom? I’m not saying my whole childhood was bad, yet it was very confusing for a long time. It has taken me 24 years to finally accept my life on how I was raised, who my mother is, that yes I may be emotionally messed up and broken yet It is my choice to move on and accept that I’m a beautiful mess. I have flaws and that’s OKAY!

(((Those who believe in abortion, I clearly don’t mean to offend you in any way, this is my body, this was my choice. I chose to place my birth daughter up for adoption and no it wasn’t a mistake, it was a gift, a gift of life. A blessing at that. ))

It took me a long time to accept that I was going to have a child and that I needed to do the right thing, even though it was going to be extremely hard. I needed to do what was right. I had to open up my heart to people I didn’t know, people that I only have met a few times. People I fell in love with right away. They didn’t want to just help me at my deepest plea, they wanted another child to call their own. One to embrace, one to love, one to teach about the world and its beauty. These adoptive parents became family. My open adoption with Ava, is easy and hard all the same time. The first two years I was very active yet I noticed I was being so selfish at times. I needed time to heal and move on, to accept that this was not just a temporary fix, that this here was real life. I moved away not to escape yet to heal, to find my voice. To find who I was as a person. I thought I was in love yet come on who was I kidding. He didn’t love me for the right reasons, for he would always tell me I was a failure because I choose adoption. Yes I have gotten my fair share of people throwing this in my face, till this day. I met Derrik while I was away from home. He is my prince charming in so many ways. He is the one. He completes me, yes we have our faults and hard times yet there is one thing this man has always done, to continue to remind me that I am strong woman. That I did the right thing. That Ava loves me and will learn to love me. Derrik is right in so many ways.

Placing has its beautiful moments, the moments of getting a picture sent to you in the mail, FaceTime calls, talking on the phone for a few hours, yet the thing that brings my heart to joy and warms my heart is when Ava and her sister Lilly can both tell me they love me. I have not only made a difference in one person’s life but a whole family. I noticed this past year I yet I made a difference in Lilly’s life. She gets to have a bond with Ava that no one else will. A sister bond one that I wish I had.  My story isn’t over yet for I am literally taking it one day at a time. I have my ups and downs, my silent cries, sometimes I bust out laughing when no one is around,  I talk to myself most days ( Yes I am a tad crazy at times.) Sometimes I have a dark cloud hanging over me, I get sad, I cry, sometimes my heart just feels weak, then I kick myself in the ass and I have Derrik who is here to help remind me that everything is okay. Even when I refuse to take his comforting. I still have some broken bridges yet I have learned that I am okay with that. I am okay with losing some people that I had in my life at one time. I have learned especially after having my son that the people that stay with you through the hardest times and embrace you with love are the people you want to keep around, are the people you want your own child to know. So that one day when my son sees a love one hurting he will know what to do. To offer his love, even when they push him away. To not give up, yet to always be there for them, it’s this act of love I needed the most and I still do till this day when I have my bad days. I did a beautiful and selfless act, I have finally now have accepted this past year. I am a birth mom and it’s taken me four years to say that loud and proud, my story isn’t over yet;

-Samantha M.

Throughout this journey I have meet some pretty awesome Birth Mothers and yes Birth Fathers! I asked on this group I am apart of anyone wanted to share their story with me; here are their stories:

A couple that placed together and still have managed to stay together. After placing not many couples stay together for a long time, yet this couple here is proving everything and everyone wrong!!

“I don’t remember who said this, but there really are places in your heart you never knew even existed until you love a child in so many ways you never knew possible”

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-My name is Lauren I’m 23.

I’m Cody and I’m 21.

We placed our son around 6 months ago to an amazing family who we see and hear from all of the time. For me (Lauren) placing Wesley was our only option. I have school to finish, and we’re not financially or emotionally stable enough. I’m an adoptee myself and I grew up with an amazing life and amazing relationship with my birth mom so that also helped. I knew that we could never give him the greatest life, a good life? Sure, but he deserves so much more than that. So it was a no brainer and his adoptive family has made it so much easier.

Placing for me (Cody) was kind of difficult for me. I think Lauren being adopted herself helped it be easier for her, but I had a hard time wrapping my head around placing my son with another family. But during most of Lauren’s pregnancy I was deployed and I knew this would happen again a time or two in our lives, and I don’t want to miss out on my child’s life for months at a time, plus I knew I wasn’t mature enough and we weren’t financially ready. It was difficult being away for all of the big moments and missing the birth of Wesley, but I was as involved as I could have been. Now that I’m home I like getting the updates and going to visit my son and his family and seeing them all together it just makes sense, I love them and they’ve become an extension of our family.

The biggest struggle we really faced was not being able to be together during everything, it was hard not having my go to person there during my birth (Lauren), it was hard not being able to be there for her, through the hospital visits, pain, cravings, during and after the birth (Cody) I felt helpless because she was all alone, it still amazes me she went through everything by herself.

Another thing that was hard was once I placed Wesley in his mother’s arms I just handed her my heart, then I went home with no baby, no son, and I felt empty, but his family is what got me by honestly, they just keep me so in the loop, and they treat me like family.

We’re not ashamed of placing our son, there’s nothing to be ashamed of. We gave a family the greatest blessing you can ever give someone, and we gave our son the gift of an amazing life.

I’m proud to be a birth-mom because I feel so strong, I feel like I’ve been through one of the most difficult things a woman can go through and I survived, I’m a stronger woman because of it.

I’m proud to be a birth-father because I have a special bond that I feel like not a lot of other people can know and understand. It’s a different love.

Carrie; this woman here, her story is so shocking, so raw. I embraced her the moment I finished reading her story, I cried, I smiled because the hope, the pain, the beauty she has is special and strong all the same time. 

“I don’t know what this journey will be. I do know that the love I have for you will never fade”

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Here is my Thoughts

Broken or Not?

I once thought that only the birthparents were broken. Why do we as birthparents think that Adoptive parents are perfect, and will be a “perfect” family? We all hope and pray that in the short time we get to spend with them that they will never change. I know that I wanted my daughter raised by a married couple, wanted her to have a “perfect” life, dance lessons, music lessons, and well on all the other things that we can dream up in our minds that we feel our children deserve. Well nothing in life is guaranteed. Heck nothing is a guarantee. I want to share my story of what just happened to me.

I woke up Wednesday to find a message from my Amom saying” I am going to swallow my pride now and am going to ask you for help now.” I went to look at her facebook page because that is how we stay in contact and found that she needed bail money. I was in shock. I have been dealing with this fear for a while, but now my nightmare has come true. These parents are the ones I trusted. I had always wanted her raised by a married couple, but that is not always a guarantee in life. Heck nothing is guaranteed in life. While I was talking to her on the phone to find out what was going on she told me we needed to talk face to face. I agreed. I was also told that my daughter that I placed wanted to meet me and with everything going on she needed, and wanted it. I was scared to death. All my fears so far were happening, now what if she hates me, what if this and what if that’s were all I could think of. Once I was out of my van she hugged me and I told her I loved her and missed her. I was so worried that she would not want to hug me or talk to me, she is a shy young lady, so I was not expecting much conversation either. After we hugged, we sat there and laughed and giggled and it felt so right. I feel whole now. I was able to put that necklace on her that was my strength when i needed it. So now Amom and I are having our discussions about what was going on. I found out that well, they are divorced, and now they were both battling their own drug addictions. I was sad that my daughter had to watch both her parents put her on the back burner. So meeting her was a blessing for her. So you may be wondering if I am questioning my Placement. NO I am not. I made the choice to place her for a reason, now I am sure this reason has been made clear to me. My daughter’s amom was there for me when I was in need of help, so it is only right that I be there for both my Amom and my daughter. My Amom is going to be checking into a 45 day inpatient rehab to help her with her addictions. Yes, I am hurt that this happened, but it does not change my thought about her as a mom. I have agreed to be there for her so that she will have a clean person to cheer her on in her sobriety. I am so glad that she was this honest with me and told me.

I could have looked at this and allowed it to put me in a very dark spot .It is all in how you look at life. They were there for me when I needed them most. Yes I am angry and hurt and I feel betrayed, but that is a negative way to look at life. They are human and make mistakes just like me. I have to turn my anger to god and let him guide me and be my strength when I need it. This was a blessing for all involved. Amom did not have to be honest with me. It shows that she trusts me and wants me to be a part of her recovery, and I will stand by her side just like she was by my side when I had our daughter and had to deal with the fact that I was rapped and was having a baby. This by no means was this easy. I had to really put my boundaries in place. I had to take a chance and not over step my role and respect the Amom. She never had to tell me. As long as she needs me I will be there for her. Anybody that knew me those 3 short years ago know that I would have bailed out Amom, gave her my car and made sure that k bug was taken care of, but I placed her for adoption because this was not something I could do at that moment in my life. They adopted her because they were able to provide for her. We as birthparents feel broken but we are not alone, adoptive parents are human just like us. They make choices and they are not are not perfect. It is our job as birthparents to not be bitter and not show judgmental love, but we need to show unconditional love no matter what the situation is. Now that I have shared this experience with everyone, I hope that you take what I have learned and apply to your own life whether it is adoption related or not, because only you can OWN your story.

I have had the pleasure of meeting Nicole through a support group on Facebook. We have formed a friendship of one that I know I can talk to about relationships, self-love and best of all adoption.

No one else will even know the strength of my love for you.”

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8 years ago I found myself pregnant at 19. I was scared, ashamed, and unprepared. After a long while of considering my options, I decided open adoption was the best choice for both of us. I wanted to be 19, as selfish as that may be. And I wanted her to have both parents, love and stability. Everything she deserved and I couldn’t provide. Although it was the hardest choice I have ever made in my life, I stand by saying it was the best. Every day I struggle with a piece of my heart missing. They say when you have a child, it’s like a piece of your heart walking around outside your body. That couldn’t be truer. But, the lovely thing about open adoption is, that piece of my heart is never far from me. I know her, I see her, and I got to hug her so tight recently. My heart is so full because of open adoption. I have an extended family who has seen me through some of my hardest days, and I get the comfort of knowing that little girl is right where she was intended. For all of those reasons I am proud to be a birth mom. Proud to be part of this community made of the smartest, strongest men and women I know. I am stronger, braver and unstoppable. I had to be for my birth daughter. I had to be for myself. My truth matters because I am proud to be strong, brave and a birth mom.

We all have different truths, different stories. Yet our pain is still the same. We all have felt hurt, sadness, and happiness throughout our journeys. It’s when we can form a community and surround ourselves with people that just get it, or better yet want to be there even if they don’t.

Believe

Believe

About a month ago my aunt had asked me if I would make a few tops for my cousins. I simply said “YES”! I was happy and filled with so much joy that she had an interest in what I was doing. That she BELIEVED in me. I asked her what she wanted. She simply said, Believe.IMG_4129

It got me thinking long and hard about this word. It didn’t click much with me at all. It didn’t mesh very well. I needed to believe in myself, because I simply wanted to be unstoppable. I want to be fearless, I want to be strong, and I want to be successful. I want to be free.

Even though we are miles away, we still have a strong bond. A bond I know in my heart is hard to break. She just gets it. She gets me, she understands that I am broken in some areas, yet she always embraces me. She simply loves me. I guess in other words you can say she believes. It took me to do a lot of self-healing and accepting that my aunt did the best she could when she could. She held my hand during my whole pregnancy with Ava. She herself embraced Ava and loves her more than anyone will ever know. She wanted to take the time to be a part of my messy yet beautiful life. She supported me and all of me even if she didn’t agree with everything I did, or how I saw things.

Growing up she always would tell me

“Do what is right Sammie, not what is easy”IMG_4155

In my heart I knew what was ‘right’ and what was ‘easy’. My heart told me another while my mind tried to take over and try to feed me lies. I slowly believed the lies, I let them control my emotions, I let the lies control me. Yet it took getting my hands messy once again and put my boots on because I was going to get dirty, I was going to get messy. I was ready to dig deep and face the pain. I was ready to feel those raw emotions and let them sink in. I want to feel love, joy, happiness, and believe in myself! I was ready. I am still am!

Going through fonts with my aunt, making this top become alive was truly fun. I’m happy that her and I have a top that we can call our ‘’own’’ and share it with one another. For I have learned its not the miles that separate us from one another, it’s the commitment we want to put forward. It’s the effort we show. The little reminders of “I believe in you” or “I’m so proud of you” is what helps me know I’m doing the right thing, not what is easy.  
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“You are braver that you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”

Top: https://www.etsy.com/shop/ourunendingjourney

The Fear of Rejection

Growing up I had always felt like I wasn’t important or accepted. I felt rejected by my father in my early age and mid teen years. Since well he left when I was a baby. I have a few pictures of him that I glance at time to time to see if I look anything like him. (In all honestly, I have his eyes.) I felt the rejection of my mother growing up. My grandma and my aunts helped raise me. It’s not a bad thing that I had my grandma and aunts step in. I just never had that ‘bond’ like a mother and daughter do.  I have a really close bond with my grandma. My aunts well I have a different bond with each one.  I haven’t had a relationship with my mother my whole life. A lot of my early childhood I was confused, mad, angry, sad, depressed and simply felt like I wasn’t good enough for her. It took my not just well the past four years to finally accept the relationship I do have with her. It took a lot of digging deep to forgive and embrace my mother for who she is. For who she has become. For how much she has changed. For the better. It took me finally look at her and tell her I love her. To finally accept phone calls and want to talk to her, even if it’s five minutes. I have learned throughout this hard journey of rejection that well, we are human.

WE MAKE MISTAKES!IMG_3667

I had to learn to get rid of the “why”

My cycle would always repeat itself. I would beat myself up, I would let my emotions take over and the feelings of sadness, rejection, and feeling isolated, separate, and envious of all other people. I was alone, emotionally.

For the longest time I would get myself wrapped up in my girlfriends relationships with them and their mom’s. I would sometimes become bitter, I always wondered “why not me” “why not you and I” “why mom why”

I learned the past years that it was out of my control.  I needed to learn how to accept it. That I now can choose to change it. To attack the problem and make it better. To glue all the broken pieces together and make something beautiful out of our new relationship. To finally love my mother and accept the love she has to offer.

I made my fears and they became my own prison.

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It was the opportunity I took to say “yes” and face my fears, to finally let go to finally say “no” I need to accept this and embrace my pain. Even though it has been ugly. It was having Ava that I learned that I was never rejected, I was embraced by many. I was loved by many more.

As I took back my life, I realized that I wasn’t rejected every time be someone or something, I was being redirected to something better. Something worth living for. Something worth fighting for.

Rejection throughout the years, really did cause a big tool on not just me, yet the relationships I had with other people. I was always walking on eggshells trying to avoid being let go of, being not good enough. Being told I wasn’t important enough to care about.

I was afraid to care too much just so if the other person didn’t care I wouldn’t get hurt “as much”

Feeling unwanted consumed my mind, body, and soul.IMG_3702

I didn’t know the weight I was holding on my shoulders till I found my freedom to be free and learn to love and accept again, to not have the fear of rejection consume my life again.

“You have the power to heal yourself, and you need to know that. WE think so often that we are helpless, but we are not…” – Louise Hay.

Confidence

The past couple weeks I have been in the zone. In the zone of working, being a mom, getting my Etsy shop all in line, managing to keep the home all together ( cooking, cleaning, being the best SO I can be, typical home life).

My confidence within myself I have noticed has grown stronger. I’m now at a point where I have found to love all my lines. All my curves. All my stretch marks and be happy with who I am. With how I look like. I’m not just getting stronger physically. I’m getting stronger mentally. IMG_3644

I have battled with a bit of insecure people the past couple of weeks, trying to make my mind, body and soul weaker. Yet I now see that I need to walk with people who believe in me, who support me and give me the unconditional love I need not just to survive, yet to walk taller as a person. To have the CONFIDENCE.

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“You are either as beautiful or as ugly you believe you are. You define your beauty. That’s not the power you hand to someone to have over you. You alone are beautiful. You alone make a difference. You alone are worthy.”

#Adoptionisbeautiful

Throughout the years I have had people try to break me down, some at the time I will admit they succeed, others I smiled because I was strong to remind myself I did a really good thing. I did this out of love. I did this for Ava. I did this to bless a family that wanted a child, that longed for a child, for all the right reasons.

I have come across my fair share of well, idiots in nice words to put it. I have come across loving people. I have come across good and bad.

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I am strong not because I placed, I am strong because not many can do what I did out of love, out of hope, out of joy, out of blessing. I didn’t do this for me, I did this for her. I did this for Ava because; she deserves nothing less then having the world at her finger tips, loving and embracing life. Embracing life with its fullness, embracing life and its adventures, embracing life with all its love. To know what having and being apart of a family is, to have that unconditional love. The love of acceptance, the love of knowing she is good enough. She is loved.

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