I know that you come in different forms. You have come with heartache, pain, depression, grief, happiness, joy, selflessness, and peace. You have been an ongoing emotion the past five years since placement. You have made me feel emotions I never thought were possible to feel before. Yet the one emotion that I cherish most with you is peace. I have learned to love the acceptance of having peace with you. I will not lie that when I decided to place it was scary. People would constantly ask me why. People felt the need to lecture me and tell me all the cons about placing. I would always say “I’m doing this out of love”. Yet many didn’t get it, since if I loved Ava as much as I claimed to have, then why wasn’t I just keeping her and embarking motherhood with her. I had to educate that love comes in many forms. I chose to love Ava in a selfless way. A way to watch her grow from a distance and let her have the love I knew she deserved, a healthy and loving home. A positive environment. The love that I had always longed for as a child. The love that makes you feel safe. The love that I knew that I lacked to give. Yet it’s you Love that has helped me get through those hellish dark days. It’s you that has helped me grieve in a way I never thought was possible. This love that I have will never go away, it will continue to grow as each day passes by. It’s you that helped make my choice a little bit less painful. It’s the fact that I had you on my side. To help my mind think clearly and not be blinded by wanting to be selfish. Placing has its ups and more downs than I wished it did. You taught me that I love her each day as I wake and each night as I lay down to close my eyes. Yet your love has taught me so much through this journey of mine. I believe without you this whole being a birth mom “thing” would be ten to the thousand times harder. There has been days where I have hated you. I cried myself to sleep. I didn’t eat for days. I grieved for months on out. Yet it was you that helped me see that placing Ava was the right thing to do for her. Without love she wouldn’t be here. She would just have been a thought of “what if’s” or “should have’s”. I’m beyond happy I have you on my side.
Love always and forever,