Dear selfless soul,
Good morning. I woke up this morning happy. I woke up this morning smiling. It hasn’t always been like this; yet today I’m going to embrace it. Embrace this with me please.
I had a dream last night. I was walking on a nice path through the park with my son. I was visiting him. So you could say I was 20 years older than I am now. I must say I look good for being 45. It was a nice day out. He took my hand and told me had a surprise for me. He led me to this spot that was open. You could see the city below us. The sky was clear and flowers were starting to bloom. He held me and told me
“I understand the choices you made mom. I will always love you for being so strong and brave.”
I woke up at this time knowing that my son is one forgiving, loving man. I’m lucky.
My dreams haven’t always been like this. I’ve had nightmares for years straight. Sleepless nights. Nights were I’m wide awake. Ones were I pace back and forth hoping not to wake up Derrik.
After Elijah was born they stopped for a while. Yet when they came back they came back bad. I get short. My anxiety is through the roof. The ones that are near me are affected sometimes by my healing.
I can tell you about the good, the bad, and the ugly. Yet right now I want to hold onto the good. I want to focus on this big step I’ve made. Waking up happy. Waking up with forgiveness.
I’ve held onto anger and hurt for so long. I’ve held onto what ifs. I’ve held onto depression. Loneliness. Sadness. Hurt. Pain. Numbness. I’ve held onto a specific day and let it just repeat itsself for days, were days turned into weeks and it turned into a month.
I let the actions of others affect me. I’ve let the words of others towards me consume me. Eat at me. Make me feel small and unloved. I let this happen for almost five years straight.
Yet over time I learned that being who I am is okay. I chose life. I chose to carry a beautiful child despite of the reasonings behind everything. Despite the heartache and hurt. Despite of feeling small and ashamed of being pregnant. I chose to place for the many reasons that go left unsaid.
My second cup of coffee. I need fresh air.
I’m going to drink my cup of coffee and enjoy the sun trying to break through from the clouds.
My third cup.
I’m out of coffee now. Damn.
Being who we are isn’t a bad thing. Being a Birthmom means a lot to me. This morning I woke up proud. I woke up strong. I am strong. I am brave. I am fearless, even though I was in fear the whole time during my pregnancy, durning placing, during my healing, and now. Yet I’m still fearless for not giving up. For fighting through the ugly. For wanting to heal. For I am Birthmom strong. I know that every day wont be like this one. Yet it’s days like today that I treasure and hold on to. It’s days like today that give me the extra push to keep moving forward.
I know during the hurt, the confusion. The mess. The heartache. The sleepless nights. The numbness. We don’t hear the words “I love who you are” or “I love how selfless you are to be so loving” well this is me telling you that I love you so much. I love how strong you are. I love that even though you feel like shit some days. You matter to me. You matter to me because I get your pain. I get it. Yet what I love most about you is that you are not afraid to show the world who you really are. A person. A person who chose to place. A person who chose to place despite of everything. A person who chose to place despite of everything, you chose life because you knew deep in your heart it was the right thing for your child to place your child with a family who could love them and be there for them even though right now you can’t. Now that my selfless soul is one beautiful act of love you chose to do. For that is why I love who you are. I love you because you are beyond birth mom strong.