My alarm clock goes off this morning. One of two things go off inside of me. Wake up and get the day started or hit snooze and repeat this process about fifteen times. I’m laying in bed to think about this for ten more seconds before my mind explodes from hearing the alarm go off. I choose to lay in bed. I have no energy left within me. I feel a lack of love from everyone around me. I feel alone and small. I just want to hide under the sheets and let everyone pretend I’m okay. Yet that’s a lie all in itself. It’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to be aware that there is hurt within me and is causing suffering to my mind, body, and soul. It’s okay to admit I need help. I need love. I need embracement. I need reminders from family and friends. I need that connection. I need to feel appreciated. All these are needs. Needs we humans need from time to time. They aren’t wants, they aren’t “what ifs” they are simply needs. I have my moments when I feel like a lion and when I feel like a mouse. Today I feel like a mouse, I’m finally ready to reflect what this past month. On the days I feel small I have to remind myself twice as hard I’m worthy of love, my voice is worthy of a roar. I’m reminding myself I’m worthy of healing. I’m worthy of great greatness. The past six weeks has been such a blur. When I say blur I mean a complete mess of chaos and happiness all in one.
We had our California Mexico trip six weeks ago, we need a vacation from our vacation since all this maddens was about to occur. We had to get in packing mode to move to our new home. Try to unpack the new house, get settled in, start my new job, all in between all this madness I’m trying to find that quiet time like now to just work on my projects, and last but not least finding that time to breath, catch up, and not lose my sanity.
We went to Mexico for a few days. I got to see my mom. For the first time in a long time we didn’t fight or argue. Instead we laughed and she played with my son. She’s a grandma now and she acted among the part really well. I’m proud of her. You can really tell she is trying her best to be as sane as she can be. I give her credit for that. It made me so happy to see my mom interact and form a relationship with my son and Derrik. I won’t lie a part of me wishes that was me. I sometimes wished life could have been different. Where I had my mom fully there. Mentally and physically. Someone who would interact with me make me feel safe. Someone to teach me how to love. I’m happy to say Elijah is her second chance. So far she’s making me very proud to be her daughter. From seeing her this last time it made me see that it’s my time to invest in her now. I need to invest in the reflection I wish the world to see. That investing starts with myself, my son, Derrik, and now my mother. I’m learning that expanding in growth there comes so much goodness. For that I thank God for guiding me there spiritually.
California had its moments. I got into a spat with my aunt. It hurt me. It really dug deep within me. I felt hurt, her action made me feel abandoned. She didn’t agree with my parenting. I know Derrik and I will never be the perfect parents in the world, yet I will always try my best to be the best for my son. I believe in positive parenting. I honestly think it’s a trigger for some people in my family. Derrik and I don’t believe in spanking and don’t believe to humiliate our child in front of others. We try to let Elijah know that some things are not okay and will teach him how to do things better. Example: We don’t hit people when we are upset. We go to the person who upset us and say “you upset me”. Yes Elijah is two yet he gets this concept he says “no okay mommy” translation for me; I hurt my son what can I do to be a better parent. My aunt just didn’t see any of this. She wanted us to pretend since we were on “vacation” to pretend to let it go and let Elijah pay for it later by retraining and getting him frustrated and explaining to him why he could get away with things in California and not at home. I didn’t think that was right and she hated the fact that I stood up for myself and my son ( since I was trying to save him from being confused and thinking it’s okay to lash out just to lash out instead of using our positive parenting methods) she hated this she and fought with me. I was called many names. She walked out and didn’t even say goodbye to Elijah. I tried several times to reach out to her, yet she denied me, she denied my son. I felt so hurt by her. All because for the first time in her life I could tell her no and not get smacked or yelled at for it. One time she had to keep her cool because Derrik was there. I know that if he wasn’t everything would have been ten times worse. I felt so much pain because for the first time she was going to meet Ava and she walked away from that opportunity as well. I was ready to open a part of this world with her. I was ready for her to see Ava and hug her. To smile with her. To embrace her. I had so much sorrow for my son and Ava. She really knew where to strike her new wound with me. My aunt reminded me through all this ugly that I have to let go of the hurt she has caused me and fight for hope. Every sorrow she has given me has made me dig deeper to let go and fight the fight. That I am brave.
For the first time Derrik and Elijah got to experience Lego Land, Disney land with real authentic Mexican food for nine days straight, to meeting most of everyone in my crazy Latina family and seeing Ava and Karin.
It’s been almost three years since I had seen Ava in person. My heart was racing when I saw her and Karin. All I could do was hug her and hold tight for thirty seconds and thank God for letting me and my family see her again. I had my moments when I needed to step aside and get a breather. To be honest Ava clicked with Derrik so well I got a tad bit jealous. Elijah and Ava were inseparable. They held hands, played and rode rides together. This day was perfect for me and my family. There was hard times for my grandma, you could see her watery eyes from time to time. My grandma was so brave and so strong. I was so afraid there would be a sly comment or a day well spent ruined. My chest felt heavy sometimes when Elijah would call me mommy and Ava didn’t. Yet that’s the path I chose Yes it’s hard from time to time yet I chose to place Ava for many reasons. The love she gets from her mom and dad is the love I lacked to give her at the time. My greatest gift I could give her was to place her with people who were mentally, emotionally, and financially okay to do so. I felt numb when saying goodbye. I felt a whole and broken all at the same time. I wanted this day to play over and over just a couple more times. Everything was just a fog after that. My week continued on yet it was one big blur. I didn’t really want to break down when I was in California. I didn’t want my family to see this weak side of me. One that has to force herself to get out of bed from time to time just to live life. I had to wear a mask because we never really talk about it. I feel many are afraid to hear the truth when it comes to Ava. I couldn’t let this hurt me till after we were done moving. I didn’t have time to process my feelings. I had to keep them bottled up till well now.
I sit here in silence while Elijah is sleeping and Derrik is at work. All I can do is just breath heavy and let it out. Let out the tears of joy and sadness I have had bottled up inside of me for a couple weeks now. The feelings I have right now are just raw emotions. An ounce of panic and fear. A lack of trust I have people when it comes to just letting it out when I need to cry my soul out. The endless pleas and prayers. A little bit of me grieving again. Yet mostly grieving for my son who is so young to understand what Disneyland was all about. To just keep pushing myself to teach him the love I have for him and Ava. That the love I have is no greater than the other. My heart is filled with so much coldness and warmth I long of hope to fully be happy and not have a bad day take over and consume my mind. The baby steps I’m still working towards to. The fight I’m fighting even when I feel like giving up. People tell me that it’s over and done with to move on. To leave it alone. To keep it hush hush. How do I process that I will always be an outcast? Putting energy to my healing and being open means pain on my part, how do I process to think everything is going well when BAM a horrible day comes and I feel numb and weak all over again? I feel like some days I’m walking along the road picking flowers on my way to freedom to being free within. There are other days when I’m standing on the edge of a dark deep hole of emotions that have no way out yet to fall deep, deep down and hit rock bottom and be broken into a million pieces and put myself back together again. I keep standing on that edge trying to force myself to walk away most days. It used to be all days…now it’s just some. For my son’s sake and Ava’s I try not to have many mental break downs anymore. I wait for therapy. I wait to be alone. For me it’s all about baby steps. I know I’m doing better, I’m moving forward. I’m just going to try to do the best I can in this confusing, painful, joyful, sorrow hole of mine.