Selflove

I have always loved the thought of Valentine’s Day. I love it! I’m a hopeless romantic. I see it as a day dedicated to love, romance, romantic love, friendship love, but all types of love. A day to recognize love living in us and around us. Though I have always loved this day. Derrik has opened my eyes and has taught me that showing love one day out of the whole year is well, dumb.IMG_5884.JPG

We don’t really make Valentine’s Day a big deal in the Kirk household. We kind of swept it under the rug. We like to show love to one another every day.  Romantic gestures and surprises. At first when I thought how could he not like Valentine’s Day? I saw Derrik was right on something. I came to EXPECT flowers and chocolate. I came to expect that I be gifted with something to show me his love. Oh how I was wrong. I now see that with loving someone I don’t need anything in return. Don’t get me wrong flowers are nice, plants are just nicer!

This year I’m doing something a little different. Every day this past week I’ve written love letters to myself. Yes you heard me right! I needed to learn to FALL IN LOVE WITH MYSELF.IMG_5891

I’m falling in love with all my strengths, my flaws, my scars, my pain, my past, my present, my badass attitude. I finally love my freckles. My funny laugh. My straight yet big smile. My broken yet put together heart. My eyes finally see how beautiful I am. The number on the scale is just a number. I’m eating and living a healthy lifestyle and that’s all that matters. The way I wear my heart on my sleeve from day to day. That being a mom and a birth mom are the best things that could have  happened to me. My “mom” tummy, the scars that once reminded me of pain. Scars to show that Ava was once here with me. Yet I see them as scars of bringing two beautiful healthy amazing souls into this world. Scars that I am not ashamed of anymore! Reminders of my strength. I finally have learned to accept no matter how many squats I do or donkey kicks, I will always have a flat ass!  I love my big heart and the people and the experiences it has drawn me to. I love all this because well, they are all different puzzle pieces that are forming a beautiful unique me.IMG_5896

I will always be a work in progress. I have come to accept that. Embrace it. Deal with it. Not letting it bring me down type thing. I can’t promise myself that every day will be a good day, yet I can promise myself to fight harder on days that are dark and toxic. I’m the only “me” I got.  I wanted to do this well because I suck with loving myself. I beat myself up all the damn time. I never give myself enough credit. Derrik see’s so much in me. He see’s more when I lack credit for myself. My biggest fan has stood by me on the worst days possible. Yet its him who I also need to give credit to.

I am enough.

I am worthy.

I need the courage to believe this and embrace that I am worth loving.

To break out of the box I live in and free myself from all the chains that keep tying me down. I am free indeed.

 

 

 

 

Cover Photo is from The Shine Project. 

 

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#BMstrong [Birth-mom Strong]

Two words: Birth-mom and Strong.

I am Birth-mom Strong.IMG_5616 (2)

A motto I have learned to embrace this past year. I can reflect back on a time that sparked the spiral towards my hate and self-doubt. The past several years, I have been on a journey to reverse the trauma done to me by others and myself, since I have placed. I’m pushing through the thorns, standing up after each fall I have made. The hardest thing for me to do is to set my mind into my life, my heart and soul. This road I am on hasn’t been traveled very often. Yet I see the sunny road ahead, one of self-discovery, cleansing my mind and body of all the negative toxins that I have kept bottled up these past almost five years.

I am in self-discovery mode. Call it “selfish time” if you must. I have made a lot of choices. Ones That I am more proud of than others. Yet I have come to realize that I can sit here and ponder about the past and be sad, or get back up fight my fight and be a strong woman that I am becoming today. For I have realized this is MY future. MY healing. MY life. MY time of self-love, self-growth, and self-healing. It’s no one else’s. Though for a long time I have believed that. I had a mask on and pretended to be happy with the life I was living. I was told to embrace my shame and not be proud. Even though there was such a higher power telling me otherwise; to speak up, fight my fight, and embrace who I really am.

Self-discovery is messy. It will have its painful moments. The type of moments were you can’t breathe and everything starts to become a blur. Everything just slips from your hands, you’re not in control anymore. You start to feel like a puppet. Wanting to accept the pain has given me a complete different outlook in life. Having ambition comes with its own problems too. I’ve learned that believing in myself can be a difficult task, but it’s one of the important keys I need to have for this journey. Accomplishing my greatest aspirations. To choosing the road that has so many turns, some paths rockier than others. Yet I deserve to have this experience that comes to a beautiful end of seeing myself be the woman I should be. Standing tall and proud of the path I have been traveling.IMG_5617 (2)

Elijah has changed my outlook in life more than I can say. I started to really accept who I was when I found out I was pregnant with Elijah. I envisioned myself to be proud of who I am. One that wasn’t ashamed to say “I am a birth-mom” or “I placed my daughter for adoption out of love.”  To not taking the looks of others personally and have self-shame. Wanting to be birth-mom strong isn’t something that came to me over night. It has taken me a lot of sleepless nights, days that I spent crying. I have come to accept that not every day will be a good day, and that’s OKAY! I will have my moments of grief and I wont beat myself up for it anymore. Yet coming this far I can smile and be happy with who I am. My biggest fear was having my son and Ava hate me. I never want them to feel like she wasn’t “important”. I have come to the realization that this fear won’t become my reality. I will teach my son in his early childhood and through his life about Ava. About the choice I made. The pain I went through, the pain I will still go through. The happiness I have when I think of her. He will know to be proud of me. I will not be ashamed when he asks me. For I choose to be stronger than this.

Being birth-mom strong for me is being selfless, to not be ashamed of my choice. Giving a piece of me away to a loving family. One that I have to have complete trust with. I will never feel whole again, yet my shattered pieces of my heart will always be intact. To being fearless and having that never-ending strength to be strong and proud of the life I have not just chosen for myself, yet for the one I chosen for Ava. Having my head held high and not having an ounce of guilt or shame. To finding peace within myself and being proud that I am a birth-mom. One my son can be proud of as well.

Birth-mom Strong has so many different definitions by every single different mother who has placed.

I asked several Birth-moms to give  me their own meaning of being Birthmom Strong, this is what they had to say. I love each response.

[None of these have been altered, anonymous is kept for the privacy of their identity.] 

Roanne Olsen- Being birth mom strong is being a role model to my birth son. He just turned 18 and considers me his biggest role model.

Nicole Paulson- Being birth mom strong means being fearless. It means facing judgement knowing I did what was best for my child and myself.

Chanel Alyss Green-It’s reaching deep down and shattering my own heart to make someone else’s family whole. #birthmomstrong

Annaleece Merrill- It means that there is a piece of my heart that lives outside my body now, and is in the arms of someone else. And I will never quite feel whole again, but that doesn’t mean I don’t feel perfect

Heather Gossett- It’s about giving but what you want and think you need, and giving that innocent baby the family and life that he or she really needs.

Anonymous- It means being selfless, strong, ambitious, courageous loving, and caring. Everyone’s story is different but we all have one thing in common unconditional love for our babies. Every day is a silent struggle. We live our life’s everyday crying inside. Trying to act like everything is ok. We still pull through. It so hard but worth see my birth son alive living a better life.