My mind has been overflowing with Ideas and projects. Projects coming in left and right. Ideas that I just keep jotting down. Ones I will run to Derrik and tell about, others I am “pressuring myself” to finally convince myself that I am capable of doing them and I shouldn’t hold myself back. I promised myself this year to focus on my mental state of mind. Dedicating thirty minutes a day to myself has made me notice the small change in my attitude when it comes to “me” time; that this is important for my sanity, it’s a must do! I shouldn’t feel guilty of wanting this. I deserve to do the things I love. Mind stability is certainty appealing. Don’t get me wrong I have my bad shit days, I am human after all.
Sometimes my negative mindset will take over. At times it feels like it’s all the time. It’s easy to feel so unwanted when you have been rejected so many times by the same people. That yucky feeling tends to take over. I sometimes feel alone, and hear hurtful things, sometimes I will consume it and believe it. I start to believe the lies and let the lies consume me, my relationships, and my parenting.
Growing up I was taught:
Sticks and stones will break my bones, yet words will never hurt me.
In all honesty I call bullshit. Throughout the years growing up I would hear
“Wow you’re such a big girl”
Translation to my brain was “Wow you are so fat” instead of saying to “wow what a beautiful girl you are becoming”. I took this compliant wrong every single time. My body shaming and self-love really has a horrible relationship with me. There are times where I tell myself I’m breaking up with you and finding new self-love. My old habits of thoughts creep back from time to time.
My favorite one was being called my mother’s name from time to time. I love my mother and it has taken me such a long time to get here where I am mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and to have my heart open to her. I felt very abandon by her. I believed a lot of lies, some were true yet there were a lot of lies. My mom is sick mentally it took me to finally let my walls down to finally accept her and myself. Having depression and anxiety is one thing. Being bipolar wow I can’t even imagine the constant battles she fights. I understand why she did what she did to escape her pain and suffering. I’m so sad it was hard for her to see what was really important; getting help the right way and of course….Me. I felt rejected by my mother. I let my mind take over and feed me so many lies.
I never felt good enough. I felt unloved, unwanted, a failure, and ugly. I would think time to time well maybe if I was pretty she would love me. If I was smarter would she stay? Games of manipulation never ended. I would want to stop time to just make my heart stop racing so fast and for me to catch my breath.
My adoption with Ava was hard all on its own. I believed the lies and manipulation. That I was a failure. I was a shit mother. I was horrible. God would never forgive me and love me. I was numb and I was weak. I believed everything good and bad that was thrown at me. I let people have the power over me. I handed them my heart and mind and let them put whatever they wanted to believe about me and let myself believe the lies as well. People walked away from me after I placed; I let myself to believe what I did was wrong. I believed everyone’s lies. It took me four years to finally get here. To finally break free and start healing and loving myself all over again. To accepting my choice and believing the root meaning of why I placed. It was never because I didn’t love Ava, I did it because I loved her so much to let her live a fraction of the life I lived as a child. House to house, aunt to aunt, grandma to raise her, me to not have a home of my own. To constantly see me suffering, I was scared to see her live an ounce of a life I lived. I’m not saying my childhood was a complete nightmare; there are many happy moments as there are sad and self hate momments. I have good and bad memmories.
Sometimes with Derrik’s sister, well all the time, we don’t get along. We don’t see life the same way. We are both stubborn and very dominate. We don’t have the type of relationship that I wish we could have. For I have always wanted a sister. I always wanted someone to laugh with, make jokes with, even have a dinner dates with and just dance in our seats laugh like crazy people and just make memories. We have hurt one another with words, and actions. We both let the lies we have said to one another consume us and come between us. Derrik’s sister has pushed me to my limits. Limits of where I wanted to give up. Ones where I want to cry my eyes and heart out. Moments of where Derrik and I spent fighting weeks on end. Questioning one another why we were together. On how he could let someone he loves so much get hurt so often. On why I wasn’t protected. We never saw eye to eye on this. We both were never understood or empathized for one another. We tend to forget our words of admiration with one another. This has been almost a year battle Derrik and I fought almost weekly. A year of us finally letting one another’s walls down and seeing the true ugly we held within our hearts, mind, body, and soul. One thing I have now started to see this past week, even though it’s almost been a year is that I need to try and work on not believing the lies. To have mind over matter. That she isn’t out to get me and to hurt me emotionally. That we will probably never have the relationship I have dreamt about, yet to let my expectations go. To finally accept her for who she is and just let it be. She is her and I am me. Since I have already “trained” my mind to believe these lies, I need to work on breaking the toxic cycle. I know it’s going to be hard. I have thought for so long that I was unwanted and I’m not good enough, is just a lie. I am good enough, I am wanted.
She has pushed me to my limits, limits of wanting to call quits and be left alone yet in a way I’m kind of grateful for it. For its helped me see that I do need to work on my psychological health a little more, okay a lot more. My mental health is starting to affect my physical health. I noticed that I have gotten lazy a bit and just gave up on working out right now. I’m too down lately. I want to curl up in a ball and just pause life. Coming to terms with this has been extremely hard. I honestly have felt like a complete failure. I really let it hit me hard this past week. For I now see that I have the mind to change my matter. My mind over matter needs a different outlook in life. It needs positivity. One that has daily encouragement, love and trust. To kick it in the ass and to be the victor I am. To stop believing the lies and work on being stronger. Oh the journey I’m about to embark with this one. To fighting an everyday fight and letting my wounds heal. To finally stop the bleeding of this mental pain and to let growth take effect. Maybe a year from now I will look at the wounds I have now and see beautiful scars that they will become. To have something to look within myself and show myself the reminder that I am strong. It’s going to be hard, yet it’s all about training my mind over matter.
“Don’t let this world make you bitter. Don’t let the actions of others make you cold inside. Certain things happen that hurt us, people come that leave us, and most of all there are moments when you’re bound to fail. Don’t let those things make you unkind. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be sad. But it’s never okay to do other people wrong just because you were done wrong. We’re human. We break. We make mistakes. But don’t let pain and sadness run your lives. Wake up in the morning and do what you think is right. There are moments in life where you feel like giving up and you can’t take it anymore. It’s okay. Breathe inhale. Exhale. I know you’re weak. But the things that show your weak side are the same ones that make you stronger in the long run. It’s all about taking whatever life throws at you and learning from it.”