I choose to feel the pain

I choose to feel the pain. Pain and nightmares. Healing takes place in the open. I’m starting to drag my shadows from the darkness, to let them breath. Wounds that were once five inches deep are now beautiful scares I look at. My little reminders of the proof I’m capable of healing. The reminders of pain I once have felt. To letting myself appreciate the moments of happiness and bliss. To not be ashamed of my broken.IMG_5682 (3) To saying goodbye to the “band aids”. I’m not going to be a chameleon and have a desperate urge to fit in and wear the appropriate mask to the appropriate occasions. I’m not going to tell people what they want to hear anymore. Even though it hurts to rip off the “band aids” and show the ugly I have within that’s been festering to hide for so long, I’m not ashamed of who I once was. I’m actually quite proud of all the feelings I have felt. There is nothing easy about wanting to choose to expose my broken self. It will leave me vulnerable, maybe fragile, it will feel raw. It will hurt like hell. For I have simply been strong way too long.

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“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t either, for solitude will also break you with its yearning. You have to love. You have to feel. It is the reason you are here on earth. You are here to risk your heart. You are here to be swallowed up. And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed, or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness. Tell yourself you tasted as many as you could.” ― Louise Erdrich

Mind Over Matter

 

Mind 

Over

Matter

My mind has been overflowing with Ideas and projects. Projects coming in left and right. Ideas that I just  keep jotting down. Ones I will run to Derrik and tell about, others I am “pressuring myself” to finally convince myself that I am capable of doing them and I shouldn’t hold myself back. I promised myself this year to focus on my mental state of mind. Dedicating thirty minutes a day to myself has made me notice the small change in my attitude when it comes to “me” time; that this is important for my sanity, it’s a must do! I shouldn’t feel guilty of wanting this. I deserve to do the things I love. Mind stability is certainty appealing.  Don’t get me wrong I have my bad shit days, I am human after all.

Sometimes my negative mindset will take over. At times it feels like it’s all the time. It’s easy to feel so unwanted when you have been rejected so many times by the same people. That yucky feeling tends to take over. I sometimes feel alone, and hear hurtful things, sometimes I will consume it and believe it. I start to believe the lies and let the lies consume me, my relationships, and my parenting.

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Growing up I was taught:

Sticks and stones will break my bones, yet words will never hurt me.

In all honesty I call bullshit. Throughout the years growing up I would hear

“Wow you’re such a big girl”

Translation to my brain was “Wow you are so fat” instead of saying to “wow what a beautiful girl you are becoming”. I took this compliant wrong every single time. My body shaming and self-love really has a horrible relationship with me. There are times where I tell myself I’m breaking up with you and finding new self-love. My old habits of thoughts creep back from time to time.

My favorite one was being called my mother’s name from time to time. I love my mother and it has taken me such a long time to get here where I am mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and to have my heart open to her. I felt very abandon by her.  I believed a lot of lies, some were true yet there were a lot of lies. My mom is sick mentally it took me to finally let my walls down to finally accept her and myself. Having depression and anxiety is one thing. Being bipolar wow I can’t even imagine the constant battles she fights. I understand why she did what she did to escape her pain and suffering. I’m so sad it was hard for her to see what was really important; getting help the right way and of course….Me.  I felt rejected by my mother. I let my mind take over and feed me so many lies.

I never felt good enough. I felt unloved, unwanted, a failure, and ugly. I would think time to time well maybe if I was pretty she would love me. If I was smarter would she stay? Games of manipulation never ended. I would want to stop time to just make my heart stop racing so fast and for me to catch my breath.

My adoption with Ava was hard all on its own. I believed the lies and manipulation. That I was a failure. I was a shit mother. I was horrible. God would never forgive me and love me. I was numb and I was weak. I believed everything good and bad that was thrown at me. I let people have the power over me. I handed them my heart and mind and let them put whatever they wanted to believe about me and let myself believe the lies as well. People walked away from me after I placed; I let myself to believe what I did was wrong. I believed everyone’s lies. It took me four years to finally get here. To finally break free and start healing and loving myself all over again. To accepting my choice and believing the root meaning of why I placed. It was never because I didn’t love Ava, I did it because I loved her so much to let her live a fraction of the life I lived as a child. House to house, aunt to aunt, grandma to raise her, me to not have a home of my own. To constantly see me suffering, I was scared to see her live an ounce of a life I lived. I’m not saying my childhood was a complete nightmare; there are many happy moments as there are sad and self hate momments. I have good and bad memmories.

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Sometimes with Derrik’s sister, well all the time, we don’t get along. We don’t see life the same way. We are both stubborn and very dominate. We don’t have the type of relationship that I wish we could have. For I have always wanted a sister. I always wanted someone to laugh with, make jokes with, even have a dinner dates with and just dance in our seats laugh like crazy people and just make memories. We have hurt one another with words, and actions. We both let the lies we have said to one another consume us and come between us. Derrik’s sister has pushed me to my limits. Limits of where I wanted to give up. Ones where I want to cry my eyes and heart out. Moments of where Derrik and I spent fighting weeks on end. Questioning one another why we were together. On how he could let someone he loves so much get hurt so often. On why I wasn’t protected. We never saw eye to eye on this. We both were never understood  or empathized for one another. We tend to forget our words of admiration with one another. This has been almost a year battle Derrik and I fought almost weekly. A year of us finally letting one another’s walls down and seeing the true ugly we held within our hearts, mind, body, and soul. One thing I have now started to see this past week, even though it’s almost been a year is that I need to try and work on not believing the lies. To have mind over matter. That she isn’t out to get me and to hurt me emotionally. That we will probably never have the relationship I have dreamt about, yet to let my expectations go. To finally accept her for who she is and just let it be.  She is her and I am me. Since I have already “trained” my mind to believe these lies, I need to work on breaking the toxic cycle. I know it’s going to be hard. I have thought for so long that I was unwanted and I’m  not good enough, is just a lie. I am good enough, I am wanted.

She has pushed me to my limits, limits of wanting to call quits and be left alone yet in a way I’m kind of grateful for it. For its helped me see that I do need to work on my psychological health a little more, okay a lot more. My mental health is starting to affect my physical health. I noticed that I have gotten lazy a bit and just gave up on working out right now. I’m too down lately. I want to curl up in a ball and just pause life. Coming to terms with this has been extremely hard. I honestly have felt like a complete failure. I really let it hit me hard this past week. For I now see that I have the mind to change my matter. My mind over matter needs a different outlook in life. It needs positivity. One that has daily encouragement, love and trust. To kick it in the ass and to be the victor I am. To stop believing the lies and work on being stronger. Oh the journey I’m about to embark with this one. To fighting an everyday fight and letting my wounds heal. To finally stop the bleeding of this mental pain and to let growth take effect. Maybe a year from now I will look at the wounds I have now and see beautiful scars that they will become. To have something to look within myself and show myself the reminder that I am strong. It’s going to be hard, yet it’s all about training my mind over matter.IMG_5428 (2)

“Don’t let this world make you bitter. Don’t let the actions of others make you cold inside. Certain things happen that hurt us, people come that leave us, and most of all there are moments when you’re bound to fail. Don’t let those things make you unkind. It’s okay to cry. It’s okay to be sad. But it’s never okay to do other people wrong just because you were done wrong. We’re human. We break. We make mistakes. But don’t let pain and sadness run your lives. Wake up in the morning and do what you think is right. There are moments in life where you feel like giving up and you can’t take it anymore. It’s okay. Breathe inhale. Exhale. I know you’re weak. But the things that show your weak side are the same ones that make you stronger in the long run. It’s all about taking whatever life throws at you and learning from it.”

“I didn’t want to accept the fact that I had postpartum”

I wanted to do something a little different for this blog entry. I wanted to be able to hit a wider audience and try to spread the word about postpartum depression, anxiety, being a first time mom, along with how hard relationships can be at times.

I as a first time mom, know the daily struggles of trying to balance myself mentally and spiritually, along with being the best mother I can be, and partner even when I fail at times. My postpartum was honestly a hard thing to face, still is to this day! I am very open about my depression and anxiety; as most of you know. I had the privilege to interview a dear friend who I have known for quite a while now. She is fighting her fight daily. I admire her for all the right reasons. I’m very fortunate to have friends that are willing to give me the privilege to dig into their hearts and souls and let me get my hands messy with them and dig into to rawness of their pain, to not just help them, yet to wanting to help others. Hearing Kaila’s story helped me in so many ways.

This interview is real, all pictures have been approved by Kaila. Nothing has been modified. Here is Kaila’s journey….

Me: We have known each other for little over 7 years now. We were once co-workers. It’s funny how fast time flies by. We both have children now roughly the same age. Has becoming a mother been challenging at times? Or do I feel alone when it comes to being a parent?

Kaila: Yea, becoming a mother was the most challenging time of my life and still is. I really wasn’t ready for a baby and was scared to death when I found out. My doctor had told me about a year prior to me getting pregnant that I shouldn’t have children. He said it would be very difficult for me to conceive and if I did, I would have a really difficult pregnancy and the child would have medical issues if it survived. So when I got pregnant it was a complete surprise. Billy and our families were really supportive during my pregnancy. I did end up being a high risk pregnancy and had a hard 10 months. I was in and out of the hospital and would have go to multiple doctors’ visits a week. After I had Paislie I had awful postpartum depression. I thought at first it was just my hormones all out of wack, but it continued for months and ended up lasting over a year. I didn’t want to accept the fact that I had postpartum and I didn’t really know who to talk to. I was always under the impression the people that had PPD were the ones that killed their babies. I didn’t want people think I was crazy and wanted to hurt my baby because it wasn’t like that at all. I was just sad, I felt numb, felt no emotions. I would feel so guiltily not being happy over a new thing Paislie had done, but I couldn’t help it. I would try my hardest but I felt nothing. I would have some good days and finally think I was better, but most days were dark. I wouldn’t even be able to get out of bed or get dressed some days. At first Billy tried to help, but towards the end he couldn’t handle it. He became very inconsiderate towards my feelings and was very neglectful. The first year of Paislie’s life was the not only the most challenging time of my life but the loneliest. I felt that if I couldn’t even talk to my own husband who was my best friend than who I could talk too. If that person couldn’t love me and help me than no one could. I considered taking my life multiple times the first year but couldn’t imagine leaving Paislie and Billy alone. I convinced myself their happiness was worth more than my depression. Some days that worked, but most it didn’t. My family helped me a lot with her the first year since Billy worked so much. He was never home and when he was home he didn’t participate, so I felt like a single mom. After Billy and I separated this took on a whole new meaning. I could no longer call him when I was stressed out with Paislie or needed to vent to him about my day. I no longer had that person to share exciting or happy moments Paislie and I had. I no longer had him to call to share a new “first” she just did. Being a single mom is the loneliest thing which make it so much more complicated.  Thankfully my sisters, my parents and best friends help out a lot because without them I wouldn’t be able to do it. I thank God daily for such a strong support system, because every day there’s a new complication and of course somedays aren’t bad but somedays I look forward to when Paislie goes to her dad’s so I can get a break, but then of course I feel guilty after and miss her so much when she is gone. I think the days I don’t have her though are the most challenging. I have to try engulf myself in something so that I am so busy that I don’t worry and over think. Unfortunately Billy and I have an awful relationship now and we can’t even co-parent, so when she is gone I know nothing. I don’t know if she had a good day, what she ate, if she had a bad dream, if she was happy, if she woke up sick, if she learned something new, nothing. So those are probably the most challenging days because even though I am a mother I know nothing about my daughter those 3 1/2 days. I’ll try to reach out to him somedays to see how she is hoping he will just respond and tell me she is happy but every time it ends the same, with no response.12399304_221362141537825_410839425_n

Me: You told me not to long ago that I inspire you to share your voice, along with to not give up fighting my fight. Do you believe the same for yourself?  Do you think by doing this interview with me you wish to help new mothers, single mothers, and mothers with postpartum depression?

Kaila: Of course. I never even would wish my worst enemy to feel the way I did and do at times. I made a lot of mistakes which ultimately I believe was a factor of my divorce. I never thought it was before, I thought you could just “snap out of it” and I’m a medical professional, but you can’t all the time. Sometimes you need help or medication and that’s okay.  I don’t want other women to feel alone and scared like I did. They are so many resources out that and if we all spoke out about our struggles we could help each other, we could embrace each other, and help strengthen each other. What I learned is that you can’t do it alone, you need a support system, you need people to talk to, people to listen to you, people to pray with you and sometimes a person that can just tell you it will be okay. Too many women fight this ugly beast behind closed doors because they are scared of what others think. They think others will see them as weak and that they are looking for attention, but that’s not it. That’s not okay that society has made depression into a thing that we are too scared to seek help for. It is an actually medical disorder. It took me a long time to realize that because I was that women that people looked at as strong and who had the “perfect” life, but I really wasn’t. I would cry myself to sleep every night because I didn’t know what was wrong with. I can only wish that if anyone is struggling or even has thoughts of killing themselves like I did that they get help and know that it is okay to get help. And most importantly I want women to know that they are NOT alone. That things may not be okay right now and everything may seem hopeless but it does get better.

Me: Your honesty has me moved. You speak the truth, I bet you have some eyebrows raised. Some are probably thinking “how can she be so honest and raw?” You have managed to be the few that supported me with kind words when it came to me placing. Were you still proud to call me a friend once you learned my story?

Kaila: Of course I was. I truly feel that is one of the strongest things a women can do. A mother’s love is doing what is best for your child no matter what and you did that. Sammie, not a lot of girls could have done what you did and I am so proud of you, still to this day. You took responsibility for your actions, carried a baby a full pregnancy and made the ultimate sacrifice for your daughter which results in not only the b12570827_221358698204836_1986660659_nest life for her, but also happiness for a couple that wanted a baby.

Me: Thank you; that honestly means a lot. I still feel like not many are pleased with me. I still get side comments, hate mail via email, sometimes and a random text of hate. It’s friendships like yours I truly value. Tell me three things about Paislie.

Kaila: What is there to say about Miss Paislie lol.

  1. She is obsessed with minions
  2. She is an outdoors girl and would live outside if I let her, but she is totally girly at the same time and loves to play with makeup and wear jewelry
  3. She is very musically inclined. She loves to sing and dance especially to Justin Beiber. Her favorite songs are Baby and Sorry, she actually sings the chorus for both too which is hilarious                                                                                                                                     Me: Wow that’s amazing! I noticed a complete change in you once we started talking about Paislie, I can tell she brings the life back in you. What are some coping skills you have managed to learn now that you have fully accepted the fact you have depression?

12583743_221358794871493_1288487105_nKaila: She is my life and my joy. I love her with every fiber of my being. Well, there are multiple things I do. I read my bible and pray daily for God to fill me with his love, joy and peace. Without his love and forgiveness I wouldn’t be where I am today. Whenever I am having a difficult time I just start to pray and feel immediate calmness. My lowest point of depression brought me into the deepest relationship I have ever had with him and I am never turning back. He has saved me in some many ways. I have my sisters and my bestfriends who I can always turn or vent to after a long day. They know I am depressed and check on my daily. They inspire me and fill me with positive thoughts. I know when I am having a bad day they will be there even if they have to drive to talk to me face to face. Another thing is exercise. I can always take out my frustration and sadness out in my workouts. This helps my nerves alot. Lastly, I see a psychologist weekly and a psychiatrist monthly. Honestly, seeing a psychologist has helped me tremendously. It’s nice having a third party look into my life and help me process my thoughts. My psychologist is amazing. He was the psychologist I saw in ICU when I tried to kill myself. I thought he was awesome but I didn’t want to drive an hour to see him. It took me seeing over 15 other psychologist until I realize God brought him in my life for a reason. I now drive over an hour to see him and it is totally worth it. I look forward to our visits.

Me: What is one thing you wish to tell those who suffer from a mental illness?

Kaila: First, that is okay to get help. It took me losing my husband and going through the worst experiences to realize that. I was so prideful and thought I didn’t need help, but I did. If you are depressed reach out for help. It will be the hardest task to overcome this ugly illness but it will be so worth it. Secondly, I would tell them that not all days will be dark. It may seem like it will never get better and that it will only get worse from where you are at now but someday there will be light at tunnel and you just got to keep pushing forward to see it. Make a checklist daily and look at every task as an accomplishment even getting out of bed because anyone that suffers from mental illness knows that is the hardest task of each day. Thirdly, that you are NOT alone. There are so many people that suffer daily but are too scared to reach out. Lastly, you are not weak and you’re life has a purpose. Everyone was placed on this earth to tell a story and to touch somebody’s life. You may never know who’s life you changed but you changed somebody’s. You story might be filled with some more ups and downs than others but it is okay. God will never give you more than you can handle and even though sometimes it feels like you can’t handle anymore he knows what he is doing. He believes you are strong enough to endure these hardships.

Me: Thank you for doing this with me. I know it’s hard to let someone in when you have so many feelings running through you.

Kaila:It was actually a nice healing project, thank you

2016

Cheers to the New Year! At times it felt like we were stuck in pilot mode being stuck in the struggles. Then there were times when we felt like we were speeding through life and we had to stop and catch our breaths. Either way, this year was one hell of year. We dealt with moving, family problems, heartaches, two losses in the family. A lot of broken this year. Not just mentally, yet spiritually. My healing journey had its high peaks and its lows peaks. Though I managed to get through it all with the ugly.

Cheers to the pain, the pain we manage to get through. Cheers to the joy, the ups and downs, the spiritual growth, the healing and the happiness we manage to have this year. Accomplishing the goals we had set up for us. As a couple, as individuals, and as a family.  To the goals we are trying to conquer and to the dreams we are still going to dream. To what life brings at us. To what we will face. To growth, and to becoming better humans.FP_20151224_000009 (2)

As many of you know this year has been quite a ride for me. Keeping up with “My Truth”, getting the hang of blogging, working, being a mom, and being a significant other. It’s been beautiful, ugly, hard, easy, a war, and a victory all in one. One big ride, one long ride, one amazing journey, beautiful and ugly moments yet all worth it.

Every year I would make a list of ‘goals’ on what I wanted to accomplish.  Lose ten pounds, grow mentally, yet to have a “New Year, New You” mentality and change who I was. This year, I realized that doing this, I kept losing a part of me. I realized that waiting every year to “change” was well dumb. That any given point in time throughout the year that if change is better mentally and physically why not DO IT NOW?!? Every year I kept putting off my journey of placement. “Oh I’ll wait next year to face the ugly” I waited and slowly one year turned into two, then three, till I finally said “OK SAM JUST DO IT STOP LIVING IN THIS FEAR OF THE PAST, STOP BEING SCARED TO GROW, STOP BEING STUCK, BE STRONG  AND FACE THIS PAIN, IT MAY TAKE YEARS YET DO IT. Ava would want you to be happy” These thoughts, these fears, I was scared to face. I’m so happy that I did to be honest. This year alone with being open about adoption has really made me feel closer to feeling whole. I have experienced new feelings and opened new doors along with forming new friendships this year. All good things because I finally gathered up all my courage and threw myself into a sea of wonder and adventure.

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For me this New Year is about change, yet change with letting toxic relationships go. Change in adventure. Change in maintaining a healthy life style and not just working towards those ten pounds yet living healthy lifestyle permanently. Change in being organized. Change in dedicating 30 minutes to myself to read, or to knit, better yet to sketch. Working more on “My Truth” and being more out there with my Etsy shop. To stop living in doubt that I’ll fail. To being a better partner and mother. To being happy! Its okay to be fucking happy! Being open about my healing and reminding myself it’s okay to be vulnerable. Being a feminist is actually okay. I will stop living in fear when it comes to being a woman. To show and give more love, acceptance and encouragement to the world.  To being my own victor. That I shouldn’t be ashamed of my body, for it has shelter and carried two beautiful souls. To continue to grow with self-love and self-worth. To stand for myself. To standing tall and proud of who I am and who I’m becoming. Avoiding who I am and my story, is a long road of suffering and slow living I have come to realize. To start living and not let it pass me by; to stop putting it off to make new goals again…