An Open Letter to Ava’s Adoptive Parents

As I’m writing the end of my chapter for 2015 I sit here thinking how far I have come this year. Not just with my healing yet finding my voice. You pushed me to be better. You pushed me to do better. You believe in me and continue to cheer me on. I never really imagined to have the type of relationship I do with you. To be honest I was scared. I was scared to think how someone could love me as much as you and your amazing husband. How someone can have me included. When I first wanted to place I knew in my heart that you and Steve were the ones. The twinkle of happiness I saw in Steve’s eyes when we first met at the little place at the peso mall where we at lunch with my Aunt and Uncle. Yet what got me was the love  you both have for Lilly. The way you spoke to her as if she was your flesh in blood. This is when I knew off the bat that My child, your child belonged in this family, your family. 
You both have been so open and honest with me. Yet even though I’m far away I know I’m my heart that no matter where I go in life you will always continue to teach Ava and tell her the good you see in me.
My wish for you Steve is that no matter how old she gets always remind her she’s your baby girl. That as time goes on and she wants to date that you teach her to have respect for herself and to have a man that will treat her like the queen she deserves to be. Remind her that she is a woman and she is strong. That she can do it! That no matter how old she gets that you will always be her number one man. Her daddy to run to if anyone breaks her heart. 
Karin my dear sweet amazing Karin. Oh how I love you so. 
You are an angle sent from up above. You get me. You  let me cry on the phone with you. You help me in so many ways. My wish for you is to keep being the mom you are. The super mom who runs to soccer, surf lessons, dance lessons, and all the other fun activities you have for these two amazing precious girls.
I will love you forever. Not for the obvious reasons yet for the reasons that have gone unrecognized. For the way you comfort and  embrace Ava when she gets a boo boo or the way you sing to her to cheer her up. The silly car ride dance parties. Those late night movie nights. The way you do everything in your power to help her grow. She will have the gift of love. She will have the ability to love all because you and Steve have already taught her this the moment you held her in your arms for the first time. The moment you both looked at her and called her your baby girl. These moments these memories I think of daily because without them I would forget all the good in this. All the beauty. All the reasons why, I choose you. 
On my dark gloomy days when I hit rock bottom I think of these moments to help me get back up and embrace life. Because of you I am able to feel whole again. Oh how I can’t wait to see you again, so I can look at you and show you how happy I am that you are in my life and how much I appreciate you.
I love you. 
Ava
{This picture was sent to me from the lovely Karin, its pictures like this that makes my heart so happy and full.}

Week of terror.

This past week was a blur, I was numb. I quit my job at the super market. I couldn’t handle it anymore. It was too toxic. I was slowly starting to pull back the layers of how much I really didn’t “fit in” or how “sad it made me become” I started to “hate my job” I started to feel “down” all the time. I just needed out. I felt like I failed doing this and everything just started to move way too fast from there. I felt everything slip between my fingertips. I had nothing to hold on to. Nothing to grip on tight to. I felt like I was dangling from a 100 foot story building and everyone was just waiting for me to finally give up and let go. I was under water, a sea of rapid waves causing my anxiety, depression, self-body shaming, self-loathing, and oh how the list can go on; to drown me in. I was beyond depressed. I just didn’t want to get out of bed. I was fighting my weakness for a whole week. I was trying to not let it win. To consume me and have me go back ten or twenty steps on my healing.

Conversations turned into fights. Fights turned into silence.

I saw a quote last night that kicked me in the ass quite literally from Soworthloving’s Tumblr page.

    “Finding that strength like a warrior is not something that happens overnight. It is a process of acceptance, of action, and letting go. It takes time, but eventually the rubble will move and I as well as you, will see the sun again.”
 – Ali HightowerIMG_5205

I cried reading this because I needed it. I needed it to remind me that everything is going to be okay. [ I tend to let the bad overcome the good when I am my most vulnerable.] It’s really easy to just slide back down the slide and find yourself in a pool of depression. I think being constantly aware and open about how things make me feel has opened up my eyes a lot. To whom I should be surrounded with. I need a lot of positive people in my life right now. I have noticed that I need a lot of people who will help me better and not drag me down and make me start all over again on my healing journey. I need the doers and dreamers. To the go get-ers and adventures. I have slowly let go of the people who name call and just talk so negative about others. Being open and honesty about my journey this past year has opened a lot of new doors to new friendships. I have a new friend that is an adoptive parent, to a few birth moms that I talk to that just well get it. I have a friend who is a blogger and man she and I have so much in common. We get one another. We understand one another when it comes to depression and help one another be better. These new and amazing relationships I would have never have met if I didn’t want to get my hands messy.

This past week was hell. Yet I finally made it back to my feet. The struggle will still be there, every day. The things that keep me going is my son. My relationship with Derrik. My journey of MY TRUTH. My family. These things keep me going.

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I woke up today and I laid in bed while I heard Elijah babbling away. I wanted to roll over and just close my eyes yet instead I got up opened up the curtains, made the bed, got Elijah and we both looked outside and watched the birds swim in the canal and Elijah kept saying “wow, momma wow”. This moment made me see that I needed to let go of what has been bothering my all week long. I took out my frustration on my work out. [I must say I did pretty dang well] while Elijah napped I decided to get dressed up. To actually do my hair and makeup and not half ass it like the previous week. While going through my closet I saw my shirt that I needed today. The one that reminded me today. “Your story isn’t over;” This is so true in so many different ways.

I’m not going to run away from the pain, I’m going to run towards it, get through it, embrace it and make a better strong warrior woman out of me.

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