Interviews Part TWO

Throughout this journey I have come a long way. My healing journey didn’t really start till about two years ago.  I had the privilege to interview my aunt, my best friend, and Derrik’s mother Susan. The interviews are real and honest. Nothing has been modified.  I wanted to try something new and different. Interviewing these three lovely ladies has opened my heart to new emotions. I admire each lady for their own reasons. I thank you for believing in me and helping  make this vision come alive. Because of you three Im able to share your truths. I thank these women for being honest,  I know I put them on the spot, I knew that hearing their answers would be one of two things; make me cry because of how much hurt I put them through or worse hear answers I wasn’t ready to hear. I was happy to finally hear about their pain and their sides of my adoption. I love you three for being open and honest. 

My family isn’t a perfect one. We all have made mistakes. My family is the type of family that holds on to the past. Whenever we fight we always bring up what happened five or better yet twenty some years ago. It was a habit I was wanting to break.  I love my family for all the right reasons. I love them for always believing blood is thicker than water. Yet when I got pregnant I knew they wouldn’t understand. My grandma is a mother of five. She raised her kids pretty much on her own. Yes she had the help of her sisters and husbands when she was married. Yet I knew deep in my heart I didn’t want that type of life for my child at the time. I didn’t want to live pay check to pay check, or have my child be with other people 24-7 and not me. I didn’t want to struggle. I didn’t want the life of what my mother and I had. I didn’t want to live off other people. I didn’t even have a home in my own name or better yet an apartment.  I know my mom did the best she could, yet I wanted better for Ava. I had a slug bug baby blue betel that was all in my name. I knew that my family wouldn’t let me be homeless yet I didn’t think Ava deserved a life of being in a home that wasn’t ‘ours’. I knew deep in my heart this was something that would never be let go of. I knew this was something that would always be brought up. I didn’t want to upset my family. I didn’t want to disappoint them and have them see how much of a failure I was at the time.  Didn’t want them to be ashamed of me. I was lost and confused. I was trying to grow up and find my voice. I was trying to be free and be a woman worth knowing. I wanted to make them proud and see how much of a difference I could make in this world. I guess people are right when it comes to saying the world already has something planned for you. I strongly believe I was chosen to live this life. I was chosen to be an advocate for adoption. To help others just like me. I know it’s not the life that many would have hoped for me. Yet I strongly believe God has a plan. I wanted to interview my Aunt because she and I have such a strong and close bond. She is well my go to person. She has helped raise me like my other aunts yet her and I have a special bond that I hold on to. Someone I can confine to. Someone who really gets me.

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Your Name.

Artie.

How are we related?

I’m your aunt by your mother’s side and God Mother.

Where you mad at me that I kept my pregnancy a secret?

I was disappointed, I was still shocked that you were able to hide from us, [knowing how nosy your family is].

Where you ashamed of me?

I’ve never been ashamed of you. We all make mistakes.

What was your fear for me?

Of the choice you made. I feared you really didn’t know what you were doing.

When you held Ava for the first time what were your thoughts?

This precious perfect baby girl is not going to know you as her MOTHER. She will know you as her Birth Mom.

Were you ever mad at me for wanting to choose adoption?

I knew you weren’t ready for a baby, so adoption was the right choice.

Do you believe this hard time with me made us a lot stronger?

I hope and prayed that it would make us stronger.

What is one piece of advice you have for me?

I wish for your happiness and peace.

When you see Ava again what do you wish to tell her?

That no matter where she lives, when time comes she has a whole family waiting for her to meet her.

 

Not many of my friends even knew I was pregnant. It’s something I really kept from well, everyone. I’m not lying when I say I was depressed, I honestly felt like a failure. I was in denial. I didn’t want to accept the fact that I was going to bring this child into the world and fail. For she deserved everything, she deserved to be happy, to have a normal life. To have the life I never did. She was meant to have better. I only told the few people I had known for years, ones that stuck by me through thick and thin. Ones that accepted me, loved me, and didn’t give up on me. I only told three people. Three friends that I’m still friends with till this day. Three that stay in contact with me and my family. Ones that see how Ava is doing when we talk. Ones that support my whole blog, screen tee, and helping others. Helping my dream become a reality. Ones that help fight and push me through my dark gloomy days. No matter how far away I am they have always been there for me. Julie, Maddie and Shauna. The three that I know will always be family to me. Ones that helped me through break ups, through being pregnant, moving away from California. Reminding me that I am an awesome mother to Elijah. Ones that tell me that no matter how hard times get with Derrik that he is worth fighting for. I was nervous yet excited to interview one of my dear friends. We have been friends for almost nine years now. Oh the adventures we had when we were young and wild. Oh how much those little girls have grown up now.

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Your name.

 Julie

How did we meet?

We rode the same bus in high school and you started dating my friend (also a traveler on our bus). I was a little apprehensive of you at first, because you were so bubbly and energetic all the time and I was the epitome of mellow. Opposites must attract though because we’ve been best friends ever since.

Where you mad at me that I kept my pregnancy a secret?

I was more shocked than anything. It’s not really something I could or had the right to be mad at. It was your secret to share and the fact that you came to me when you were ready made me feel like a trusted friend.

Where you ashamed of me?

No. You were not the first person I knew to have an unplanned pregnancy. Things happen and I like to believe that they happen for a reason.

What was your fear for me?

The biggest thing I worried about was your happiness. As your friend I support you through any decision, but whatever it was I hoped that you would be happy at the end.

When you held Ava for the first time what were your thoughts?

It was surreal. She was a piece of you – one of my best friends! It was just this overcoming feeling of love.

We’re you ever mad at me for wanting to choose adoption?

Definitely not. I think adoption is truly a beautiful and selfless act. Again, I worried about your happiness and how you would cope, but you were the only person who could have made that decision or knew what was best for both Ava and you. I also understood why you turned to adoption and how you felt about raising Ava at that point and time in your life, so I supported you.

 

Do you believe going through this hard time with me made us a lot stronger?

Of course… We had already been through so much together but going through a major life event with someone is going to create or strengthen a bond.

What is one piece of advice you wish for me to know?

Because you are someone who holds on to things, probably just to remember that no one event defines you. Everything you encounter, endure, and experience influences the person you are and affects who you are, but you are not just one thing.

When you see Ava again what do you wish to tell her?

I would probably be speechless because she looks so much like you now and has grown so much since I last saw her. But what I would want her to know is that she is, and always has been, loved.

 

I never really pictured myself here where I am now. Having a family of my own and having a partner by my side through it all. Through the sleepless nights, the moments of grief, the moments of me losing my mind, to crying myself to sleep, to feeling numb and having someone there. Someone to love me and accept all of me. Even if he doesn’t get it or better yet understand why I feel the way I do.  It took Derrik a long time to accept my depression and anxiety. Yet one thing he never questioned or needed time about was Ava. He instantly embraced me and loved me from that moment. I know lot of it has to do with how he was raised. The one woman who has been in his life from the start. The person who clothed him, loved him, and showed him how to love and feel love. His mom. The relationship I have formed with Susan is a beautiful in its own way. Yes we have had our moments yet I know that she wouldn’t have it any other way. She has been the go to person I can go to, to run to since I’m so far away from my family. One that will hug me and hold me tight. She is someone I can cry with. It’s rare to meet people in your life that will go out of their way to help make you feel at home to help you feel whole again. She has helped do this even with all of our differences. She is able to set them aside and help cheer me on every step of the way, she does this because she loves me.

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Your Name:

Susan Wagner

What were your thoughts about adoption before we met?

 I have always viewed adoption as a hard and selfless act on the part of the birth mother.  I have often thought about how hard it must be for a woman to make the decision to give her child to another person, to put that amount of trust in another human being, how much of a sacrifice it must be for her, how strong she must be.

When you heard my story what were your fears?IMG_0030

 Fears?  I am not sure I actually had fears, but I had some concerns as to what the reasons were for the adoption.  After hearing your story I had nothing but admiration and love for you.  I remember thinking “how strong this girl must be”.

Did you ever think my past was too much for your family?

 No, never. I have always tried to view our past as something that teaches us and helps us to become stronger and wiser.

What are thoughts about adoption now that you know me and know about some of my pain and healing?

 I view adoption as a wonderful opportunity for the adopting side, it is also a saving grace for birth mother whose life cannot support (financially or emotionally) the child, and it is a life-saving event for the child.  Since you have come into my life I now also view adoption as even though it can be a very intense and emotional experience, it also has a great potential to be wonderful for everyone involved.

Do you think knowing this has made our bond a lot stronger?

Yes, I do.  I liked you from the get go, but when I learned your story it made me have a respect and admiration for you that is hard to explain. Sammie, you are a sweet, honest, and very strong person that had some unfortunate things happen in your life  but you use that and build on it and use it to strengthen yourself in all aspects of your life.

If you ever meet Ava what is one thing you would tell her about me?

  Dear little Ava, Sammie is one of the strongest most loving people I have ever met.  She has a love inside her that is very rare.  The love she has for you and your parents’ shines in her face each and every time your name is mentioned or someone ask about your pictures.  NEVER doubt the love, or the pain she endures daily.  

What is your one piece of advice to me?

 Keep being who you are. You’re awesome!

What will be the one thing you want Elijah to know about adoption?

 My hope is that he will always know that adoption is not a bad thing, it is a decision made from love – on the side of the birth mother and on the side of the adopting parents.

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