A word I have been living by for the past year.
I’m stuck on living
I’m stuck on moving forward some days
I’m stuck on accepting
I’m stuck on the past
I’m stuck on fear
I’m stuck on forgiving myself
I’m stuck not being able to live in the present moment.
I lost joy. I sought for things that would destroy me.
I’m slowly learning that its okay to be stuck sometimes. Forgiveness has a lot to do with being stuck. There are just some things I have forgiven, just not all. On my last post I wrote about forgiving those that have caused me pain and heartaches, yet this forgiveness I am now dealing with is forgiveness of myself. Its hard to do at times. It makes me feel like I had truly let them win. That just forgiving in general was good enough. Yet I’m wrong.
When I am feeling any sort of hurt or pain, I tend to blame myself. I beat myself up. I try to fill in the gaps and ask myself how was I that oblivious to not see it coming. When things fall apart I have always blamed myself for it all. That I was the root reason of why things didn’t work out or because I let people just hurt me.
Derrik will ask me all the time “What is wrong?” I always mutter “I’m just really tired.” Yet we both know that there is something deeper than that. There just a wealth of crap going on underneath the surface of being stuck and tired. The feeling of ‘not being good enough’ or just trying to keep myself going on my healing journey because there are days I just want to give up. Giving up when times are supper hard. Digging too deep within and just wanting to stop and not go back to some of the raw and painful emotions I have had bottled up throughout the years.
I can’t go back in time to change the events that has happened in my life, thing is I wouldn’t want to. I can’t fill in those gaps anymore anyways. Frankly because they look different now. People change, it doesn’t always have to be on what they are. Yet people change on how you see them. I have learned with part of forgiving that I see some people different now. I have mourn some losses. For not because they are gone, yet because they turned out to be someone other than I thought. I have learned that I need to forgive myself to move forward. To live life. To not be stuck.
It is hard to see where I was a couple years ago and where I am right now in life. Not just having a family and living on the East coast. Yet to see how far I have come mentally, and emotionally. I use to be so scared to let people in. I use to be so scared and told myself I didn’t matter. That I wasn’t important. Yet being stuck and getting out of this rut has made me start wanting to fall in love with myself again. Its going to be hard, I already see it, though I’m going to be optimistic about it.