Growing up I had always felt like I wasn’t important or accepted. I felt rejected by my father in my early age and mid teen years. Since well he left when I was a baby. I have a few pictures of him that I glance at time to time to see if I look anything like him. (In all honestly, I have his eyes.) I felt the rejection of my mother growing up. My grandma and my aunts helped raise me. It’s not a bad thing that I had my grandma and aunts step in. I just never had that ‘bond’ like a mother and daughter do. I have a really close bond with my grandma. My aunts well I have a different bond with each one. I haven’t had a relationship with my mother my whole life. A lot of my early childhood I was confused, mad, angry, sad, depressed and simply felt like I wasn’t good enough for her. It took my not just well the past four years to finally accept the relationship I do have with her. It took a lot of digging deep to forgive and embrace my mother for who she is. For who she has become. For how much she has changed. For the better. It took me finally look at her and tell her I love her. To finally accept phone calls and want to talk to her, even if it’s five minutes. I have learned throughout this hard journey of rejection that well, we are human.
I had to learn to get rid of the “why”
My cycle would always repeat itself. I would beat myself up, I would let my emotions take over and the feelings of sadness, rejection, and feeling isolated, separate, and envious of all other people. I was alone, emotionally.
For the longest time I would get myself wrapped up in my girlfriends relationships with them and their mom’s. I would sometimes become bitter, I always wondered “why not me” “why not you and I” “why mom why”
I learned the past years that it was out of my control. I needed to learn how to accept it. That I now can choose to change it. To attack the problem and make it better. To glue all the broken pieces together and make something beautiful out of our new relationship. To finally love my mother and accept the love she has to offer.
I made my fears and they became my own prison.
It was the opportunity I took to say “yes” and face my fears, to finally let go to finally say “no” I need to accept this and embrace my pain. Even though it has been ugly. It was having Ava that I learned that I was never rejected, I was embraced by many. I was loved by many more.
As I took back my life, I realized that I wasn’t rejected every time be someone or something, I was being redirected to something better. Something worth living for. Something worth fighting for.
Rejection throughout the years, really did cause a big tool on not just me, yet the relationships I had with other people. I was always walking on eggshells trying to avoid being let go of, being not good enough. Being told I wasn’t important enough to care about.
I was afraid to care too much just so if the other person didn’t care I wouldn’t get hurt “as much”
Feeling unwanted consumed my mind, body, and soul.
I didn’t know the weight I was holding on my shoulders till I found my freedom to be free and learn to love and accept again, to not have the fear of rejection consume my life again.
“You have the power to heal yourself, and you need to know that. WE think so often that we are helpless, but we are not…” – Louise Hay.