Believe

Believe

About a month ago my aunt had asked me if I would make a few tops for my cousins. I simply said “YES”! I was happy and filled with so much joy that she had an interest in what I was doing. That she BELIEVED in me. I asked her what she wanted. She simply said, Believe.IMG_4129

It got me thinking long and hard about this word. It didn’t click much with me at all. It didn’t mesh very well. I needed to believe in myself, because I simply wanted to be unstoppable. I want to be fearless, I want to be strong, and I want to be successful. I want to be free.

Even though we are miles away, we still have a strong bond. A bond I know in my heart is hard to break. She just gets it. She gets me, she understands that I am broken in some areas, yet she always embraces me. She simply loves me. I guess in other words you can say she believes. It took me to do a lot of self-healing and accepting that my aunt did the best she could when she could. She held my hand during my whole pregnancy with Ava. She herself embraced Ava and loves her more than anyone will ever know. She wanted to take the time to be a part of my messy yet beautiful life. She supported me and all of me even if she didn’t agree with everything I did, or how I saw things.

Growing up she always would tell me

“Do what is right Sammie, not what is easy”IMG_4155

In my heart I knew what was ‘right’ and what was ‘easy’. My heart told me another while my mind tried to take over and try to feed me lies. I slowly believed the lies, I let them control my emotions, I let the lies control me. Yet it took getting my hands messy once again and put my boots on because I was going to get dirty, I was going to get messy. I was ready to dig deep and face the pain. I was ready to feel those raw emotions and let them sink in. I want to feel love, joy, happiness, and believe in myself! I was ready. I am still am!

Going through fonts with my aunt, making this top become alive was truly fun. I’m happy that her and I have a top that we can call our ‘’own’’ and share it with one another. For I have learned its not the miles that separate us from one another, it’s the commitment we want to put forward. It’s the effort we show. The little reminders of “I believe in you” or “I’m so proud of you” is what helps me know I’m doing the right thing, not what is easy.  
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“You are braver that you believe, stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.”

Top: https://www.etsy.com/shop/ourunendingjourney

ABLE; With Olivia.

Olivia contacted me asking if My Truth would be a sponsor for her, on her Miss Missouri Teen USA Pageant Show. IMG_3876

At first I was a bit hesitant to do so, for the typical standers what pageants give off. Having “high” standard for young and adult women being self cautious of their bodies, with how they should look, you must be thin, stuck up, or better yet you’re not beautiful unless you have on layers and layers of makeup. Yet when Olivia reached out to me, I knew in my heart there was something different about her. As I got to know a little bit of her and get inside her heart and soul. I saw that there was this young girl, full of life, full of dreams, full of fire. SHE WANTS TO MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

She believes in what I’m doing. She simply wanted to help me, spread the word of “My Truth” spread the word of self healing. Self love, Self acceptance. That adoption is okay. That everyone matters.

I asked her to think long and hard about why she choose the word “ABLE”

“My dad is actually an abusive alcoholic and has been my entire life. Earlier this summer we actually left him and saying it’s hard is an understatement. I chose able because I am able to move past this, able to make something of myself and capable of not letting the past define me. Competing for Miss Missouri has given me a new dream to work towards so that whenever I’m feeling down, stressed, or full of anxiety, I focus on preparation rather than being stuck in the dark spot in my life.”

This is a beautiful young woman. This is a strong young woman I’m wanting to embrace with so much love.

Yet meeting Olivia I learned that ABLE can have so many meanings to everyone.

For me I was always sad, I was always alone; emotionally and mentally. I wasn’t able to tell my story. I wasn’t able to be free. I’m free now because I am ABLE to live, I am ABLE to tell my story now.

Your past is not your story, once you realize this it has no power over you. I don’t have the fear of rejection anymore. IMG_3962

I’m okay with knowing what it’s like to feel hurt and pain, and to learn to slowly cope with it on my own time. To being able to dig deep and get my hands messy. I have embraced that I have a beautiful mind and soul, that I am perfectly flawed. That I am me. My mission isn’t over for it has just begun.

I dare to WIN

I’ve been told to grow “thick skin” to accept that’s “how the are when it comes to people hostile and rough” yet “I’m soft” I don’t want the world to make me “hard” make me “bitter” I want to love life in its full glory! I’m not going to let “pain” make me one to “hate” anymore. I’m going to let my “bitterness” steal my “sweetness” for now on. I trust in you Lord, you are my God! IMG_3781

I have learned to surround myself around people that get it. People that want to feel life!

I decided that I am and will be uncommon.

I’m not going to let the idiots run my life. This my life, I take charge!

I’m doing this for me.

I’m not ashamed. I am not afraid I’m going to live my story. I am going to be fearless. I am going to embrace the ugly and make it beautiful.

I dare to Win. I dare to be strong. I dare to stand tall. I dare to be happy. 

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The Fear of Rejection

Growing up I had always felt like I wasn’t important or accepted. I felt rejected by my father in my early age and mid teen years. Since well he left when I was a baby. I have a few pictures of him that I glance at time to time to see if I look anything like him. (In all honestly, I have his eyes.) I felt the rejection of my mother growing up. My grandma and my aunts helped raise me. It’s not a bad thing that I had my grandma and aunts step in. I just never had that ‘bond’ like a mother and daughter do.  I have a really close bond with my grandma. My aunts well I have a different bond with each one.  I haven’t had a relationship with my mother my whole life. A lot of my early childhood I was confused, mad, angry, sad, depressed and simply felt like I wasn’t good enough for her. It took my not just well the past four years to finally accept the relationship I do have with her. It took a lot of digging deep to forgive and embrace my mother for who she is. For who she has become. For how much she has changed. For the better. It took me finally look at her and tell her I love her. To finally accept phone calls and want to talk to her, even if it’s five minutes. I have learned throughout this hard journey of rejection that well, we are human.

WE MAKE MISTAKES!IMG_3667

I had to learn to get rid of the “why”

My cycle would always repeat itself. I would beat myself up, I would let my emotions take over and the feelings of sadness, rejection, and feeling isolated, separate, and envious of all other people. I was alone, emotionally.

For the longest time I would get myself wrapped up in my girlfriends relationships with them and their mom’s. I would sometimes become bitter, I always wondered “why not me” “why not you and I” “why mom why”

I learned the past years that it was out of my control.  I needed to learn how to accept it. That I now can choose to change it. To attack the problem and make it better. To glue all the broken pieces together and make something beautiful out of our new relationship. To finally love my mother and accept the love she has to offer.

I made my fears and they became my own prison.

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It was the opportunity I took to say “yes” and face my fears, to finally let go to finally say “no” I need to accept this and embrace my pain. Even though it has been ugly. It was having Ava that I learned that I was never rejected, I was embraced by many. I was loved by many more.

As I took back my life, I realized that I wasn’t rejected every time be someone or something, I was being redirected to something better. Something worth living for. Something worth fighting for.

Rejection throughout the years, really did cause a big tool on not just me, yet the relationships I had with other people. I was always walking on eggshells trying to avoid being let go of, being not good enough. Being told I wasn’t important enough to care about.

I was afraid to care too much just so if the other person didn’t care I wouldn’t get hurt “as much”

Feeling unwanted consumed my mind, body, and soul.IMG_3702

I didn’t know the weight I was holding on my shoulders till I found my freedom to be free and learn to love and accept again, to not have the fear of rejection consume my life again.

“You have the power to heal yourself, and you need to know that. WE think so often that we are helpless, but we are not…” – Louise Hay.

Confidence

The past couple weeks I have been in the zone. In the zone of working, being a mom, getting my Etsy shop all in line, managing to keep the home all together ( cooking, cleaning, being the best SO I can be, typical home life).

My confidence within myself I have noticed has grown stronger. I’m now at a point where I have found to love all my lines. All my curves. All my stretch marks and be happy with who I am. With how I look like. I’m not just getting stronger physically. I’m getting stronger mentally. IMG_3644

I have battled with a bit of insecure people the past couple of weeks, trying to make my mind, body and soul weaker. Yet I now see that I need to walk with people who believe in me, who support me and give me the unconditional love I need not just to survive, yet to walk taller as a person. To have the CONFIDENCE.

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“You are either as beautiful or as ugly you believe you are. You define your beauty. That’s not the power you hand to someone to have over you. You alone are beautiful. You alone make a difference. You alone are worthy.”