Throughout the years I have had people try to break me down, some at the time I will admit they succeed, others I smiled because I was strong to remind myself I did a really good thing. I did this out of love. I did this for Ava. I did this to bless a family that wanted a child, that longed for a child, for all the right reasons.

I have come across my fair share of well, idiots in nice words to put it. I have come across loving people. I have come across good and bad.


I am strong not because I placed, I am strong because not many can do what I did out of love, out of hope, out of joy, out of blessing. I didn’t do this for me, I did this for her. I did this for Ava because; she deserves nothing less then having the world at her finger tips, loving and embracing life. Embracing life with its fullness, embracing life and its adventures, embracing life with all its love. To know what having and being apart of a family is, to have that unconditional love. The love of acceptance, the love of knowing she is good enough. She is loved.



Toxic can and it will consume you.

“Small minds can’t  compare to big spirits, to be great you must be prepared to be mocked; hated; misunderstood; people trying to bring you down. Remember stay strong you are enough”

There comes a point in life when we have to accept that some people are toxic and some people refuse to change no matter how much or little hope you have in them.
This week well I can say it’s been an interesting one.
I’ve learned that no matter where you go in life; the people that you love the most will hurt you; some will break you some will embrace you and some will break you down in a million and one pieces and watch you fall slowly between the cracks.
I’ve come to terms with my past; the choices I made; I’ve dug real deep to face the hurt and pain. I’m digging deep still trying to glue all these broken pieces I still have into something beautiful; something to look back at and say
“Wow! I did a pretty fucking good job dealing with everything; facing it; conquering it; growing from it; it made me strong and wise”
I’ve learned in personal relationships that some people just want to cause others pain: I don’t think it’s a vendetta; I think it’s more of they are suffering too; they don’t want to suffer alone so they will what they can to cause hurt. I find these type of people well emotionally broken; emotionally sick; for I was one of these persons too at one point of my life.
I have burned a lot of bridges when it comes to people throwing Ava in my face. It has taken me four years to finally realize that I myself as an individual I don’t need that type of toxic in my life. I don’t need people to cause me pain. At least not on purpose. I don’t need people to tell me that what I did was wrong; or better yet being open about adoption and meeting new people is a way of attention. I beg to disagree. For the lack of better terms I’m not just doing this for me: I’m doing this for others who need help, who know they aren’t alone, who know that it’s okay to feel pain, sadness, grief, happiness, joy and peace within placing.
It’s not fair to have it swept under the rug and feel alone.
I have learned that family are the people that will hurt you the most sometimes.
It’s taken time for some who I love deeply and who I admire to finally come around and tell me they understand and love me more for being brave. That they were sorry for pushing me to the side. Then there’s family like this week that try to fill my heart and soul with evil lies. It’s people like this I pray extra hard for; it’s people like this I cut off and move on from, because it’s people like this that will hold me back emotionally; and better yet physically and make my mind sick. Make me believe the wrong things. Make me less of who I am.
My name is Samantha, I placed my daughter up for adoption four years ago, it’s been a journey, it’s been a ride, it’s been high and low, it’s been a nightmare, it’s been happiness, I finally now have accepted and found peace, I am not just a birthmom. I’m strong, I have courage, I’m a mother to a beautiful boy.