Inhale. Exhale. Inhale the good. Exhale the bad. Clear the mind from all negativity and embrace love and strength within.
I’ve been beyond vulnerable the past couple days. My heart trying to fight the lies my mind is trying to feed me. Sometimes the past comes rolling back in like an Oklahoma thunder storm in the middle of the summer.
My heart has been aching.
My soul has been a little broken.
My heart missing Ava.
My mind going a thousand miles per second.
My sanity a little lost.
I’ve learned throughout the months that people come and people go.
That people I thought were friends, really aren’t after all.
The people I shared my dreams with have slowly faded away once they saw my dreams become a reality. From blogging to screen printing. To moving by the beach to actually losing weight and keeping it off. To sketching again. Things that make me happy. Things that make me feel alive.
I’m learning fast that I don’t need these people in my life that will put a “limit” to my dreams; that will spread their negativity and fill my mind with lies that “I can’t do it; or that I will not succeed”
I’m slowly learning I can’t let anyone determined my goals, my mind, my soul, my attitude, or better yet my life. That I don’t need the satisfaction of others to determine how I should live my life or how I should dream.
I’ve noticed how toxic negativity can be. How it can consume the soul, mind, and heart.
I’ve noticed that my depression and anxiety has a lot to do with how I let others treat me and determine my worth in the past whether it was family or friends. From being told I’d be just like my mother, to being told I wouldn’t go far in life, to being told I was worthless, to being told that I was a little too fat that I should go on a diet, to being told that I will live an “okay life”. To being told I was a failure. To being told I was my mother when I placed Ava for adoption. To being told I made a “mistake”. To being told she will never love me. To being told I’m selfish.
The lies the heart believed, the feeling of being unloved. The feeling of not being good enough. I have realized from my time from being away from home and growing on my own, that I am worthy and I am something, I am someone. That Ava is beyond loved. That all these lies I have let dictate my life I need that to stop. Not just for my sanity yet for my family. For my son, for I have to slowly teach my son that I should not let other people tell me how I should feel or how I should dream. That I am me, my own person and that I can do great amazing things. Even on my bad days where I feel weak and broken I’m still an amazing person.
To cheer myself on. To push myself a little each day. I have learned that to live life we must feel life, to live life we must take risks. It’s baby steps yet I’m will take on the fight. For I have learned whats consumes your mind, will end up consuming your life. Today I am alive anything is possible.