Four Years and Counting.

“It’s okay to be scared, being scared means you’re about to do something really brave”

Yesterday was Ava’s Birthday. It was a hard day, yet I still managed to get through it. I got a few phone calls from my good friends telling me how much they love me. I got a few texts. Best of all I had Derrik by my side holding my hand through the whole day.

In the past when Ava’s birthday would come up I would just block it  out and forget it was even her birthday. Too many memories, too much hurt, too much pain, too much anger I had within. Yet this year it was a bit better. I was able to wake up and smile, and yes I cried a bit here and there. I had a few sad moments yet I was able to smile and push myself through it. Yesterday was the day were I was grinning, smiling, tears rolled down my face, felt weak at my knees, yet my heart was warm and was filled with so much love. The hate, the hate is gone now. I don’t hate myself. I love myself even more now. I love myself more because I see the courage I had, the courage I still have, the courage I will continue to carry with me every day. The courage that I needed to see that I had within me this whole time.

In the past this day was a day that I grieved. A day were I wore all black and cried my eyes out. A day were I was numb and cold. Yet this year was so different, this year I decided to see the good in this. This year I decided to see the beauty. I wanted to move on and heal. Was it perfect? No far from it, I was able to find moments to smile, find moments to accept, find moments to love myself, find moments to tell myself even though I’m hurting, I’m going to be okay. I am strong. My tears were tears of happiness, pain, strength, courage, and reminders that Ava is loved by not just me, yet by many, she is loved by everyone who is around her, everyone that knows about her.

Placing was one of the hardest choices I had to make, many still don’t understand, many don’t “get it”, many think I gave up, many tell me things that are rude and painful. Yet I have learned now that these are reminders to myself that I am strong. That placing was the right choice to make, that I did a beautiful act.  Thing is, the words are starting to sting a little less now. I don’t believe them to be true anymore. Ask me last year, you would see the pain written all over my face. You could see my broken heart through my eyes whenever Ava was brought up. Now I have hope, I have happiness in my voice.  When I can look in the mirror and see beauty, strength, courage, hope, love, peace, the feeling of not being “good enough”, the feeling of being “weak”, feeling “guilty” is gone now. For I am all good things, even when my inner demons try to take over, I am strong enough to keep them away now. Accepting was hard and painful. Yet I can now say I did it. I can now say that I am strong and believe it.

The past four years have been hard, been painful, yet this year I have found that I can make something horrible, ugly, and painful, into something beautiful. That Ava deserves more than me being a bundle up mess when it comes to placing, yet to be strong and find peace within. To celebrate her life fully and love the life that she has. I miss her every day, yet my love for her grows each day as well. I myself have noticed that I have grown so much these past four years.  I use to hide behind my pain. I use sweep it under the rug. Yet I’m now at this point where I can dig deep and face all the pain. Even if it’s ugly, I can now take a second to reflect, process, and see where I can go from there.  For I have learned, “One of the most courageous decisions you’ll ever make is to finally let go of what is hurting your heart and soul, and make something beautiful out of it.”


One thought on “Four Years and Counting.”

  1. We are going through the adoption process now and before starting I had no idea of what birthmothers experience. Even now I’m still trying to wrap my head around the idea of what it takes to complete the adoption plan. Reading this post helps me empathize with all birth mothers. As adoptive parents we get caught up in the “i can’t wait to get a baby” mentality but we sometimes lose sight that there is someone experiencing loss. Thank you for your post.


    Liked by 1 person

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