I am enough. I am full of sparkle and compassion. I genuinely want to make the world a better place. I love hard. I practice kindness, even when it’s my hardest to do so. I am not afraid to speak my truth. I am enough. I make mistakes, I make lots of them. I have the courage to face my fears. I am a strong, courageous, brave, warrior woman. I am loved.

the giving keys

Necklaces: Key Necklace ” Courage” The giving Keys: http://www.thegivingkeys.com/

Nail Necklace: The Beat Clothing, Location Carlsbad Village Ca.

Dress: Old Navy.

Four Years and Counting.

“It’s okay to be scared, being scared means you’re about to do something really brave”

Yesterday was Ava’s Birthday. It was a hard day, yet I still managed to get through it. I got a few phone calls from my good friends telling me how much they love me. I got a few texts. Best of all I had Derrik by my side holding my hand through the whole day.

In the past when Ava’s birthday would come up I would just block it  out and forget it was even her birthday. Too many memories, too much hurt, too much pain, too much anger I had within. Yet this year it was a bit better. I was able to wake up and smile, and yes I cried a bit here and there. I had a few sad moments yet I was able to smile and push myself through it. Yesterday was the day were I was grinning, smiling, tears rolled down my face, felt weak at my knees, yet my heart was warm and was filled with so much love. The hate, the hate is gone now. I don’t hate myself. I love myself even more now. I love myself more because I see the courage I had, the courage I still have, the courage I will continue to carry with me every day. The courage that I needed to see that I had within me this whole time.

In the past this day was a day that I grieved. A day were I wore all black and cried my eyes out. A day were I was numb and cold. Yet this year was so different, this year I decided to see the good in this. This year I decided to see the beauty. I wanted to move on and heal. Was it perfect? No far from it, I was able to find moments to smile, find moments to accept, find moments to love myself, find moments to tell myself even though I’m hurting, I’m going to be okay. I am strong. My tears were tears of happiness, pain, strength, courage, and reminders that Ava is loved by not just me, yet by many, she is loved by everyone who is around her, everyone that knows about her.

Placing was one of the hardest choices I had to make, many still don’t understand, many don’t “get it”, many think I gave up, many tell me things that are rude and painful. Yet I have learned now that these are reminders to myself that I am strong. That placing was the right choice to make, that I did a beautiful act.  Thing is, the words are starting to sting a little less now. I don’t believe them to be true anymore. Ask me last year, you would see the pain written all over my face. You could see my broken heart through my eyes whenever Ava was brought up. Now I have hope, I have happiness in my voice.  When I can look in the mirror and see beauty, strength, courage, hope, love, peace, the feeling of not being “good enough”, the feeling of being “weak”, feeling “guilty” is gone now. For I am all good things, even when my inner demons try to take over, I am strong enough to keep them away now. Accepting was hard and painful. Yet I can now say I did it. I can now say that I am strong and believe it.

The past four years have been hard, been painful, yet this year I have found that I can make something horrible, ugly, and painful, into something beautiful. That Ava deserves more than me being a bundle up mess when it comes to placing, yet to be strong and find peace within. To celebrate her life fully and love the life that she has. I miss her every day, yet my love for her grows each day as well. I myself have noticed that I have grown so much these past four years.  I use to hide behind my pain. I use sweep it under the rug. Yet I’m now at this point where I can dig deep and face all the pain. Even if it’s ugly, I can now take a second to reflect, process, and see where I can go from there.  For I have learned, “One of the most courageous decisions you’ll ever make is to finally let go of what is hurting your heart and soul, and make something beautiful out of it.”

Mother’s Day 2015

This past week has been a week of grief for me. I always have tend to stray away from social media around this time of the year. Especially a couple days before all the pictures of mom’s and daughters. It not only triggers the pain and hurt I have of my own relationship I have with my mom, of always of feeling abandon and misplaced in this world. The fact it took me 24 years to finally come to peace with who my mother is and start embracing her with love and acceptance. That this time of year just tends to hurt a bit more now.

When it becomes this time of year I freeze up, my throat chokes up, I feel numb, I fear that one day she will realize what is really going on and hate me. Hate me for knowing her real mom is out there, her real mom just dropped her off and said goodbye. Her fear of not being good enough for me. Hate me for the reasons I wish she didn’t. Hate me for being so “weak”. This time of year I mourn, this time of year I feel pain, I feel empty. I feel like I have lost out on one of life’s most beautiful things… Being a mom to a little girl.

My whole pregnancy with Ava I was in a fog. I was in denial. I just wasn’t ready. I wasn’t ready to fail. I wasn’t ready emotionally, financially, I wasn’t ready to bring a child into this world and have them suffer because of my poor choices. I wasn’t wanting to relive my childhood over again, family member to family member. House to house, getting confused emotionally. I wasn’t wanting that type of life. Mother’s Day weekend is just one of those weeks where I want to pause time and just skip on to the next week.

In the past I have always celebrated Mother’s Day weekend with breakfast in bed with my aunts and grandma or a lunch date to their favorite restaurant. Cake and coffee. A whole house filled with hot headed woman yet that put their differences aside for a few hours to celebrate one another. Always seeing their gifts they got and the gifts I had gifted them with. It was a day where everyone was happy. It was a day where pictures where taken and just love was shared. Even if it was for those few hours.

The past mothers days I have spent alone, the past mothers days I have spent crying my eyes out. The past Mother’s Day I have felt like a failure, one who lost it all. The past mother’s days I have kicked myself in my ass literally and tried to convince my broken heart and jumbled up mind that I did the right thing. To let all my hurt out. To feel my pain and just let it make me stronger.  I have no idea why that this time of year is harder than the other holidays. I guess since Mother’s Day has always been a few weeks form Ava’s birthday it just hits me hard. I go numb inside, I honestly hate the feeling of feeling like I’m “alone”

The past four years I can count on one hand of the people that have said “Happy Mother’s Day”” to me before I had Elijah. Shauna, Julie, Maddie, and Karin. Four people. All people who I would least expect. You would think it would be family. All people who really have listen to me cry, held my hand, or better yet remind me daily that they love me and believe in me. That they “”admire my strength”.  People that are my biggest cheerleaders when I hit rock bottom. People who I know that no matter where I go in life, or who I become they will always love me and support me. People that call or text me randomly to tell me they love me. People that tell me randomly that Ava is so lucky to have me as her birth-mom. Little words yet words that make my heart melt. Words that take my breath away. Words that fill my eyes with tears and make me a feel a little whole again. Even if it’s just for a minute or two.

This Mother’s day I told myself that I needed to go in with a new outlook. One that was hard to do yet this year I needed to at least try. To turn a new leaf.

This holiday I felt like giving up. Trying to talk myself out of trying because I felt so weak to try otherwise. This year I’m still in that place of grief. Yet I’m willing to try and break free and rise above this pain finally. It’s hard yet I have accepted that my hurt is okay and that facing it was going to be ugly. My son Elijah doesn’t deserve to see me like this and he too be punished for my grieving.

Today I looked at Elijah and acknowledged that I am his mother. That even though I have all this hurt inside me I still manage to have so much love in me. Because the mother that I have become to Elijah by all this healing and facing the ugly I have become me in my own life. Me being strong. Me being brave. For digging through all the hurt is the type of mom Elijah needs to see. So that he can learn to feel life in all its shapes form.

I don’t want to raise Elijah and have him feel pressured to have to celebrate Mother’s Day. I want Elijah to learn that no matter what day of the year it is. I will celebrate him every day. That I’m his mom and he’s my son. That no matter how many mothers days past I don’t want him to be pressures to buy me a gift or say “”I love you”” to just say it just because. Yet to learn to love, accept, feel. I want him to know that without him I wouldn’t have this holiday. Without him I wouldn’t be his mom. Without him I wouldn’t have seen how much love I still have inside me.

Even though this week has been dark and gloomy for me. Been hurt and pain. Been torture inside. I want to face the day and look deep into my son’s eyes and see the amazing life I have before me. That I get to love and nurture. That I get to make mistakes and fix them with. That I get to hold his hand when he wants it the most and scare the monsters that keep him up at night. That I get to be in his life, and I get to be his mom.

You are so loved.

You are so loved.

“Love is many things, but it’s never deceitful. Nothing toxic comes from genuine love. The strongest action a woman can do for herself is to be herself, love herself, shine amongst those who said she couldn’t, those that said she was too flawed, those who hurt her, those who gave up on her, those who didn’t care.”

I grew up where self-love wasn’t really taught to me. I was taught to listen, that my voice wasn’t really ‘that important’ since I wasn’t an adult so my feelings, thoughts, joys, wants didn’t really matter. I didn’t know what self-love was until I started to want to fix and work on myself. I didn’t think that self-love was really important. I grew up in a toxic home setting. I grew up where everyone claimed to be my mother since mine was mentally sick and chose drugs so my grandma was left with the burden of taking me in and raising me. I lived with all my aunts at one time. Each different in their own ways. I was taught that my voice really didn’t mattered at all until I made myself of something or someone. I was always called by my mother’s name. All the time. It started to become where it was a  fear  and that I really didn’t matter was slowly starting to be embedded in me.

I started to believe it. I started to think it. I started to see my mother’s face when looking at my reflection then my own. I hated myself for a long time. I acted out a lot. I will not lie or deny, I did everything I could to have everyone just leave me alone. To hate me, because well I didn’t feel good enough, important, or like I mattered. Home was an emotionally abusive place to be. I started to feel nothing.

I really didn’t know who I was or what I wanted to become till about two years ago.

I now have a general outline of what Self-Love is. Its hard most days, it’s hard to take 24 years of living, breathing, thinking, and believing in things and to just ‘let them go’. It’s hard, I’m not going to lie. Yet what started to change this way of thinking, was simply wanting to be fully and truly and genially happy with myself. In order to be happy, well I saw that I needed to have self-love. I’m slowly seeing that it has to do with a way of mentality thinking, state of mind type thing. I don’t think that I can be loved by a room full of people and it will magically give me self-love. It’s now a matter of working on it, reminding myself that I am important, that I am loved, that I do matter, that even though I have flaws that it’s okay. That my anxiety isn’t a ‘bad thing’ it’s just different and I need to learn how to make ‘it work’. I’m slowly accepting that self-love I can control. I do believe that we get self-love, self-worth, mixed up with I’m a good person so I will be happy. I question what self- value is all the time. From how people talk to one another and how society is just throwing ‘fuck’ ‘bitch’ ‘asshole’ or my favorite ‘cunt’ out like its nothing, that it means nothing, thing is if we settle for these types of actions, then do we truly have self-love or self- worth if we just settle and say its okay and not fight for it? This is where I get lost, this is where I get confused, this is where I doubt myself. This is where I break down.

Yet I need to have the courage, the will, the strength, to move on and accept that just because other ‘settle’ for it doesn’t mean that I need to. I’m slowly bringing down my walls. I’m slowly breaking down these walls of confusion, of the past, of people’s opinions, and I’m starting to see that I’m pretty awesome. I’m starting to feel ‘whole’.

The moment I realized that I needed to take the first small step on to wanting to heal, wanting to accept, I realized that this ride, this journey wasn’t going to be easy. I finally realized what it is to question myself. What it is to ask for help, even when I am too stubborn to do so. The moment I took of my narrow blinders off, the moment I realized that it’s okay to cry even when people don’t understand, the moment I my whole body freezes up, I choke, like I’m gasping for air, the moment I realized that it’s okay to really smile, not just fake smile, yet truly smile. That it’s okay!

It’s taken me three days to sit down and just let it all out. I have felt like it’s been one thing after another. Trying to settle down, transitioning to working again, being away from Elijah, truck problems, now Nitro problems because I put the wrong oil in because I have had this cloud of fog and depression over my head I made a poor choice. I have been unmotivated this past week. I have just wanted to pause time. Pause time because I need a break, pause time because I am weak right now, pause time because I have lost my self-love this week. Pause time to catch up. Pause time because I am failing. To pause time to start working on loving myself again. To open up my heart to Derrik again. To finally let these walls down that I have built so high and so strong that now even a thousand grenades can break them down.

There are moments where I have learned that Self-love doesn’t need to be feared, doesn’t need to be a ‘bad thing’. To have self-love is to be worthy of yourself. To choose love over fear. So despite the emotions I may feel, I have to accept that I can love myself. That it is possible.