I am not a label
“I had to accept myself the way I was in order to move on to heal and be the person I truly wanted to be, to be me, to be free, to be loved, to be adored, to be strong, to be powerful, to be beautiful, to be somebody, to be worth it, to be happy, to be a warrior, to be a fighter, to be amazing.’’
This past month has gone by so fast it’s really been a big blur.
From moving, gathering myself picking up some broken pieces, to driving across half of the country with a screaming teething baby, to staying at my in-law’s home for two weeks with her boyfriends and his kids, celebrating Elijah’s first birthday and Derrik’s 24th to flying from coast to coast to visit my family alone with Elijah, coming back to Maryland in or new home, trying to get back in routine for I am now jet lag and behind three hours, life went a little like this.
We gave the landlord a two week notice that we were moving. We needed change, we needed out. We needed to start life over again. My anxiety was at its lowest low and in the darkest hole it has been in a long time. My depression had hit hard at this time. I was losing control of myself. The whole moving process was stressful on us both. It brought anger, it brought tears, and it brought vulnerability. From screaming, to fighting, to crying, we manage to get through it and pack up all of our stuff and get out. Get out from all the toxic. Leave everything that was hurting behind.
Driving across half the country, ha well that is just another story. Something I choose to never to do again. From a few car troubles with Derrik’s truck, to a baby screaming nonstop, to staying the night in Jackson, and missing to see another birth mom I had met. Catarina, you amazing woman, I admire you. I love you. I wish to meet you one day soon. Staying in a couple hotels that well stank and over charged for a one night’s stay. Fast food, Starbucks on the run, and yes those lovely Red Bulls. I can admit I was amped up on caffeine to the max.
Yet the scenery was beautiful. I was in such aww to see so much green. To see such beautiful trees. Forest everywhere. We were escaping, escaping to a land that was far away, a land that we can call home. The roads were bumpy. The music was blasting through the speakers as sang out all the pain, and tried my hardest to keep Eli as calm as a clam. Emotionally beat once again. Yet we were one mile closer to our destination.
It was such an emotional toll driving up here, we thought we were going to have this place, then turned out we should look somewhere else, our hearts were set for my dream home. Half mile from the beach, condo right off the canal. Wood floors, light grey walls, four bedrooms, two bath rooms, two living rooms, and a kitchen and actually kitchen not like our old kitchen where we had a sink, a stove and a fridge. I had counter space!!! I was in love. I was happy. It was literally a game of tug a war. All the anxiety that was built up and the stress was worth it in the end, for I am now sitting in the living room and enjoying this fine evening.
Staying at the in-law was just an adjustment we three had to make. Trying to merge three households together was a bit rough for a week yet it was something that we had to just bite in the ass till we got our new place. Yet I know we wouldn’t have had it any other way since it was nice to be embraced with love and welcoming arms.
A household of nine for a three bedroom two bathroom house was a bit cramped but we survived. It made us appreciate this home a lot.
Elijah’s First Birthday was fun, and I loved decorating for it. I had amazing help from Sherrie (Derrik’s sister). If you ever need anything crafty done, she is the woman you go to. She is simply a doll.
I felt bad for Derrik since Eli and I were going to leave him behind for two weeks, while we were about to board the plane and fly across country to see my family I haven’t seen in two years. While flying I was crying, panicking, and stressing out. I have the type of family that likes to point out the flaws.
I gave my family a heads up that I am now this pink haired woman with tattoos on my arms. I was told that I wouldn’t be accept in society anymore. I was told I ruined my temple. Thing is my hair, I love my hair this color. It makes me happy, it makes me feel alive. My tattoos they are meaningful to me. One for each child I have had. I’ve been called names yet its okay, they were reminders of why I have distanced myself. Why I am not as close as I use to be. My family likes to focus on the past, on the hurt, on the broken, they feed off the pain. My whole life I have felt belittled, small, emotionally bullied. My words are mine my own and me being this open about it is well a slap on the wrist type thing. Because we need to sweep it under the rug and fake these perfect smiles and act like one loving family. I have been labeled and beaten down so many times. I know that my past isn’t perfect, I know I have caused hurt and pain. Yet thing is I have forgiven myself, I try to move on every day, I try to be a better version of myself. I learned to see myself through their eyes, thing is I am not who they want me to be, I am me and I am human.
My aunt pulled me to the side while I was there in California and told me that I am intimidating. I simply asked her why she thought this of me, her response was simply because I am twenty four years old and I have found my voice, my self-worth, self-love, and my value. It brought tears in my eyes, that my aunt has this much hurt, this much pain. My heart broke in a million little pieces.
It bothered me though, instead of saying how much I have grown or how an amazing mother I am. I was in so much stress because I felt like I went back 100 steps of my healing because I let all the name calling, labeling and emotional hurt I let it consume me again. I felt like a failure for those two weeks.
Was I happy?? Yes I was happy of many things. To see my family, even though I have been hurt so many and vise versa. I was happy to see familiar faces. I was happy to see my mother. Honestly after all the hurt, anger, baggage. This was the ultimate test to really put my forgiveness to the test. My whole life I have always been called by my mother’s name. Some told me to have hate for her. I was told before I had arrived to California from one of my aunts that I shouldn’t see her, that it was a “bad idea” along with I was putting my son in a horrible environment. It hurt me to hear such words. My mother is sick, mentally sick now from all the drugs she use to inject in her body.
“” If people refuse to look at you in a new light and the can only see you for what you were, only see you for the mistake you’ve made, if they don’t realize that you are not your mistakes, then they have to let it go.” Seeing my mom and having her meet Elijah for the first time after him being alive after a year, was one of the best choices I made. It made me appreciate our new relationship. It made me love her more. It made me proud of her, how far she has come. It made me happy to see she broke free from all the labeling. Does she still have faults? Yes we all do we are human. Yet I can sit here and smile and say I love her for the strength she has to be sober. I just wish she got some help. I can only imagine how much hurt she has walking around life daily knowing she is bi polar. It doesn’t help that my family likes to make everyone feel less of a human, can only imagine her struggles now.
This past month has just been one big roller coaster ride. One that twists and turns, goes high and low, and does a few loops as well.
This past month has opened up my eyes to many new things. Opened up my heart to many new feelings. I have learned that becoming yourself is really hard and confusing, and it’s a process, yet I found that ultimately that if you pour your heart, feelings and thoughts into what you believe in, even if it makes you vulnerable, amazing beautiful things can happen. To stop labeling because I will never be you, I will never look like you, I may think similar to you, yet I am me and you are you. The world needs me for me, for who I am, there isn’t any truth or lie that I don’t matter. I realized that I am loved, even on the dark days where I feel ugly, fat and useless. For I am not a mistake, I am here because I am worthy, I can make a difference.
You are loved, you are smart, you are beautiful, you are amazing, you are important, you are worthy.