This house has been flipped upside down since Sunday evening.
I’m watching Elijah play with his monkey toy that spits out these little plastic balls, he’s so fascinated by this toy, and it’s quite humorous really. To see how fascinated the little one gets over a toy. He’s what keeps me going on my sad, or toxic days, He’s the one that pushes me to be a better version of myself or better yet to be the best mom I can be. Many don’t agree with my ethics when it comes to Elijah, Thing is my goal in life for him is to feel, to feel pain and embrace it, to not be this cold hearted man, yet to have a heart full of warmth and mind that filled with such adventure and creativity, that his voice, is important. He does matter, and no matter what he chooses to do in life, if it’s being a banker or wanting to perform in the ballet Derrik and I won’t be ashamed of him, because this life, this world we live in, it’s simply Elijah’s playground. I want to be his biggest cheerleader and have him know that it is okay to be “you’. It’s okay to know that he is valuable. He will know his worth, because I as a mother will help teach him that. I refuse to belittle him and have him feel like his voice isn’t important. That he isn’t important, because I know that feeling and it sucks. It’s beyond crap to have those feelings. For I am now in my mid-twenties and I have just now realized my worth, I fear that as a mother that Elijah will struggle with that, yet I can only be open and teach him.
In less than four weeks, we will be on the other side of the country. [[[EAST COAST]]]
I have mixed emotions, yet I have a lot of hope, we need this new beginning, we need family around us, family that will be there day or night, family that accepts and embraces love. I have gotten quite use to the scenery here yet it isn’t a place I want to call home. It isn’t a place I want to call home for my son. I want him to have many opportunities and well, Duncan isn’t really the place for that. It’s nice for families yet I’m not the close minded type. So I hope I’m not. I have so many projects and I just fear that I can’t get as far as I want to. For I have lost ‘friends’ to these projects because I intimidate them for following my goals, for following my heart. My family, well I haven’t gotten feedback from them, yet Susan Derrik’s mom, she is just awesome. She and Sherrie [Derrik’s sister] bought one of my shirts. It makes a huge difference when you have family who supports you, who embraces you, you tell you that you are doing the right thing. That call you to remind you they love you and that you are the best mom in the world. My grandma is guilty of giving such awesome and heartfelt calls, yet there is always that one call she gives where she lectures away.
This week has started out so horrible, yet I’m embracing it to help me move forward. To give me the strength I need to accept, to heal, and to grow.
Big changes are coming soon. I need to be in the game mentally to be able to handle everything that is coming our way.
I felt so low on Sunday, yesterday was just the death of me, I cried all day, I was in pain, I was hurt, I was sad, I was mad, I was unmotivated to do anything. I was hurt that it had to get so ugly for us to see how much pain I really was in. How hurt I was by ‘’loved ones’’, that yes family is first, yet this family here is first before everything and everyone else.
That being one is key. To talk with loving words and not toxic and hurtful words. To respect and not lose that respect for one another, that at the end of the day, it’s ‘you and me’ not ‘I’
It’s going to take to moving away and taking these new opportunities that life is about to give us, for the only way is up from here.
New job, new home, new state, new life, new year.
I love you, you are loved, you matter to me, you are important to me. I believe in you. No matter where you are right now know that you are going to be okay and make it through whatever struggles you have.