Lets play catch up”

There comes in a point in life when you realize that the life you live is perfectly good enough.

Life isn’t going to be easy, its not rainbows and butterflies all the time. There is pain, struggle, hurt as well. Do we like it? No that is a simply and easy question to answer. Do we wish we didn’t have to feel these feelings? I would say yes to that in a heart beat. Yet its those feelings that make us stronger, wiser, warriors, healers, and teach us about our self-worth.

Last week I posted a somewhat of a not so “Happy Friday” video. I do these videos as little reminders for those who had a hard week. For those struggling, for those who just need to hear that they are loved. I kind of sort of got beat down from some of the girls telling me that I needed to cut it out, that I need t move on that being a ‘birth mom’ isn’t painful. That I should just ‘get over with it’ I felt so broken, I felt so beaten down, yet I kept my cool, because well we are all human and not everyone will or ever see the pain that  face or have dealt with. I had some defend me, for that I am grateful for.  I cried many tears that night. The people that made fun of me and said hatful things, well they too are mothers, it made me wonder if they could even imagine the pain that I feel on a daily basis. These past four years of my life have been extremely hard. I wanted to lash out and say hurtful things to get back at them, yet who would I be hurting in the end?? Myself, why because I lowered my self-worth to that level. That level of ignorance, that level of pain, that level of being broken.

Not everyone is going to understand the pain of any birth mom. Its a simple fact, you yourself would have to be in our shoes to understand or feel just one glimpse of the pain. I was wanting to be embraced wanted to be loved, I was having a really hard week, I was facing a lot of challenges, I too am not this person who can have this though front and just say ” fuck what people think’ I’m not this person who can be a bitch, or be this blunt person and not care if I hurt I’m not saying those are bad qualities to have I don’t mean to offend those if I do. It’s just I myself cant be that way, I refuse it. Maybe I’m being close minded, oh well. Am I sensitive person. Thing is that is okay, we are all human we are aloud to be different, that’s what makes this world such a great place to live in, we are aloud to be free to be who ever we want and what we want. I’ve learned that the hard way that not everyone is going to get along.

Packing has been a nightmare, I just want to give up and leave everything behind, we don’t need it is what I’m trying to convince myself to think. I’m just counting the days till we leave, till we say goodbye to this town. I’m ready for new adventures, I’m ready to start new. I’m ready to do things. I’m ready for this ”new you”

Love you, I accept you, I adore you, you are strong, you are beautiful.

Love always,

You.

New Adventures

This house has been flipped upside down since Sunday evening.

I’m watching Elijah play with his monkey toy that spits out these little plastic balls, he’s so fascinated by this toy, and it’s quite humorous really. To see how fascinated the little one gets over a toy. He’s what keeps me going on my sad, or toxic days, He’s the one that pushes me to be a better version of myself or better yet to be the best mom I can be. Many don’t agree with my ethics when it comes to Elijah, Thing is my goal in life for him is to feel, to feel pain and embrace it, to not be this cold hearted man, yet to have a heart full of warmth and mind that filled with such adventure and creativity, that his voice, is important. He does matter, and no matter what he chooses to do in life, if it’s being a banker or wanting to perform in the ballet Derrik and I won’t be ashamed of him, because this life, this world we live in, it’s simply Elijah’s playground. I want to be his biggest cheerleader and have him know that it is okay to be “you’. It’s okay to know that he is valuable. He will know his worth, because I as a mother will help teach him that. I refuse to belittle him and have him feel like his voice isn’t important. That he isn’t important, because I know that feeling and it sucks. It’s beyond crap to have those feelings. For I am now in my mid-twenties and I have just now realized my worth, I fear that as a mother that Elijah will struggle with that, yet I can only be open and teach him.

In less than four weeks, we will be on the other side of the country. [[[EAST COAST]]]

I have mixed emotions, yet I have a lot of hope, we need this new beginning, we need family around us, family that will be there day or night, family that accepts and embraces love. I have gotten quite use to the scenery here yet it isn’t a place I want to call home. It isn’t a place I want to call home for my son. I want him to have many opportunities and well, Duncan isn’t really the place for that. It’s nice for families yet I’m not the close minded type. So I hope I’m not. I have so many projects and I just fear that I can’t get as far as I want to. For I have lost ‘friends’ to these projects because I intimidate them for following my goals, for following my heart. My family, well I haven’t gotten feedback from them, yet Susan Derrik’s mom, she is just awesome. She and Sherrie [Derrik’s sister] bought one of my shirts. It makes a huge difference when you have family who supports you, who embraces you, you tell you that you are doing the right thing. That call you to remind you they love you and that you are the best mom in the world. My grandma is guilty of giving such awesome and heartfelt calls, yet there is always that one call she gives where she lectures away.

This week has started out so horrible, yet I’m embracing it to help me move forward. To give me the strength I need to accept, to heal, and to grow.

Big changes are coming soon. I need to be in the game mentally to be able to handle everything that is coming our way.

I felt so low on Sunday, yesterday was just the death of me, I cried all day, I was in pain, I was hurt, I was sad, I was mad, I was unmotivated to do anything. I was hurt that it had to get so ugly for us to see how much pain I really was in. How hurt I was by ‘’loved ones’’, that yes family is first, yet this family here is first before everything and everyone else.

That being one is key. To talk with loving words and not toxic and hurtful words. To respect and not lose that respect for one another, that at the end of the day, it’s ‘you and me’ not ‘I’

It’s going to take to moving away and taking these new opportunities that life is about to give us, for the only way is up from here.

New job, new home, new state, new life, new year.

I love you, you are loved, you matter to me, you are important to me. I believe in you. No matter where you are right now know that you are going to be okay and make it through whatever struggles you have.

Love always,

You.

Dear You

Dear You,

I haven’t written you a letter in a while now.

I have been pretty busy this past week.

This week was really a great week for me. NO SAD DAYS!!! YAY. Well there is tomorrow and the day after (( Saturday)) yet so far there hasn’t been any sad days and I’m really happy this week.

Accepting has been hard, yet I feel like this week really paid off for me. No  not just in the healing and breaking free, accepting the pain, moving forward, and growing. Yet its been a good week because I found me. I found myself. I started singing again. Like actually singing out loud as if I was in choir again. I need more singing in my life.   

Sold two more shirts, it’s pretty exciting. Its going slowly yet its going and I need to be positive about it.

I know I’m helping people out there that are like me, birthmoms, and people wanting to heal and break free, to speak their truth.

I know I am helping others because this week I got 10 more emails from birthmoms saying “Thank you for what you are doing”

The feeling I get that rushes through my body, when I read these emails, makes me sad, happy, and strong. The pain I feel for them, yet the hope I have for all of us. To be told by complete strangers they love me, you have no idea how it makes me feel. I feel important. I feel like I am doing the right thing and I’m not going to stop, not now and not for a while, even if it gets hard. I really do feel like this is my calling.

This week I have realized that one of the secrets to being happy is to accept where I am at in life right now. To know my worth, to know its okay to heal, its okay to embrace the pain and want to grow from it. That no one should tell you that you can’t or better yet tell you no.

I really think that is why I am having a great week.

You, I miss you. I love you. I accept you. I am embracing you with hurt and all. I believe in you. I admire you.

Simple yet meaningful words that make such a huge impact in our lives.

You are amazing hurt and all. You can do this. You can face it, embrace it, accept it, grow from it, and be the best you can be!!!

Because You, I love everything about you. I know that growing up people didn’t hug you, comfort you, tell you that you were important, that you are beautiful, that you matter, that you make a difference. I know they showed you their love the best they could, AND that is okay. That is okay. They love you the best that they know how to. Thing is, I want us to both learn how to love and feel love for ourselves. I struggle with it too. Thing is you and I can work on it together and be the best that we can be not for the people out there. Yet, my dear friend for ourselves. Our worth needs to be higher than what we think it is. I know its hard yet we can do it. For you, for me, for ourselves.

I love you, I believe in you, you are amazing, you value to me, you are worth it.

Love always,

You.

Past week/weekend

Overall it was a great week and weekend.

I got my hair done, went more red. Its just me. I feel more alive and complete.

Got my tattoo, finally! I got arrows on my arm. I’m just overall happy on how they came out.

Thursday was a hard day for me.  I did a lot of crying, a lot of self reflecting. I noticed not a lot of people will be on board with your dreams, your goals, and wanting to heal. It was just one of those days where a lot of eye openers showed me on how some people are.

Ever since I started this blog and started my screen tee community, I have noticed who really cares about me. I have a friend who I have tried to be there for and I she keeps blocking me out. She doesn’t even seem that happy about me doing this, like I took something away from her. Thing is, I’m not doing this for me. I’m doing this for other people who are hurting as well. I want to be able to help others heal. I feel like this is my calling. My motto is right now,

“You can’t break down these walls of mine”

It was a hard day, yet it’s days like this that have made me stronger.

I have noticed people are going to talk about you, bad or good. People are going to be jealous of you, envy you, wish they could be you, or wish they were never like you. Thing is, as long as you are doing the right thing. Then that’s all the matters. Thats all that needs to count. Yes those hard days suck, they fucking suck, yet getting back up and saying ”okay I got this, I’m loved by those who truly matter” that is all that counts. The fact you are reflecting and healing about the hurt and pain, then you are doing the right thing. Not for others, yet yourself.

People, it doesn’t matter friends or family, they will try to make your self worth low. Thing is, you are amazing, you are strong, you are important, you  are a fighter, you are worth it.  Your self worth should be high, because no one can be you, no one should make you feel less of who you are.

People drift apart.

People will grow closer.

People will try to break you down.

As long as you can get back up and say “Hey I’m  better than this” then you my friend you are healing.

Thursday was a numb day for me. I felt numb, I felt unloved. I felt hurt, I felt pain, I felt like I truly didn’t matter.

Thing is I do matter,I am loved, I am important.

One thing I have learned this past week is be you, and accept.

People will not always show you and give you the love you want from them. Accepting it and saying “O.K. they are giving me the best of their love they can at the moment” will hurt less.

I know I am loved by my family, they may not show it the way that I would like yet I have learned they will show it the best they can. Its up to me to accept their love, or let it hurt me.

I wish they would call more.

I wish they would visit.

I wish would be more loving and affectionate.

Thing is that’s not how they were raised.

I was told by an aunt a few days ago that me wanting to grow and heal and be a better person, mom, and significant other, I am intimidating some of my family. I don’t mean to. I just woke up one day and saw how much my worth really is, how much I can make a difference, and how much I can grow and be the person want to be mentally and spiritually.

I think wanting to heal and be a better you is one of the best things you could want for yourself.

I love you, I love who you are, you are amazing, you are beautiful, you are loved, you matter, you make a difference, you are worth it.

Love always,

You.  

My Truth Photo Shoot

Today I got to  experience some mixed emotions.

I cried tears of happiness, I cried tears of joy, I cried because this was well, becoming a reality for me.

I put my “My Truth” shirt on today, knowing what was going to happen today.

I shed some tears because this shirt became real, my vision became real. My healing journey became real.

The reason behind the shirt is simply simple,

My Truth-  Our truths are all different, our pain is all the same.

My journey had been hard, its been long, its still not over with.

My healing has just started not too long ago, yet me being this open about it is a new thing, I still don’t know if I’m well, use to it.  

Somedays, I just want to give up. Yet I get that feeling inside me telling me that I can’t, I need to help others fight.

I know I’m doing good, ever since I started this blog, I’ve gotten emails about how I have helped others find ‘their voice” That right there, is an honor.

Just those emails alone make me cry of so much happiness, because well it makes me feel good that I have helped a complete stranger find their inner peace, their inner pain, and facing it and wanting to heal.

This shirt means so much to me. Just thinking about what it means to me right now is making me cry.

 I asked a friend to help me with this project of mine, I felt like it would make us grow and mend all the broken pieces we had, to make us stronger, to make a new chapter for us, thing is I was right. She is blowing up my phone sending me pictures of today right now as I type. I’m crying my eyes out. I’m so happy, I’m happy. I feel strong. I feel so loved.

Derrik’s reaction to these pictures are so positive and supportive, this feeling that I have right now, just stay with me forever, never go away.  

Today was just overall a good day, I had my shoot, cried some happy, sad, healing, moving on, accepting, thankful tears. Set up my Etsy shop, my shirt is up and running.

I made the decision to have half the proceeds go to a birthmom this year and help her go to a retreat. I just feel in my heart its the right thing to do. I want to help heal, and those retreats are life changing.

If I could have a day like today everyday, my life would be so different, yet this is reality and thing is, days like this, I will treasure, its days like this that make me stronger, it’s days like this I learn from, its days like this that help me.

Whatever your heartache is, whatever your pain is, I love you, I accept you.

Your truth is yet your own yet know that you’re not hurting alone.

I love you, forever

Love always,

You

Etsy shop:::: https://www.etsy.com/shop/ourunendingjourney?ref=search_shop_redirect