“Don’t be ashamed of your story, it will inspire others. I’m not afraid of my truth anymore, its made mewho I am, and who Ichoose to be…..”
Those long phone conversations.
As some of you know I have a pretty ‘tight’ bond with Ava’s parents. I dont like to say adoptive, because well those are her parents.
She is aware that she grew in my tummy. Yet she also knows that she has a mom and a dad that has loved the moment they knew about me, knew about her.
I had a long talk with Karin last night. A hour and seven minutes to be exact.
I needed to hear her voice, I needed her blessing. I needed her blessing about well this blog, me in the works of my screen tee project, me wanting to help others. Me well finally facing the bad and making it good.
Thing is Karin and Steve have always stood behind me, they have loved me, well they are there if I ever needed them.
Its been a few years since I got to hold or see Ava.
Thing is I needed it. I needed it to realize it was time to take this ‘poker face’ off.
I needed it to start my healing journey, to slowly come to terms and find peace within.
Not too long ago I was asked “Do you regret it”
No I don’t. I don’t because I knew I wasnt ready. I knew that I couldn’t be a mom. I couldn’t give her the love she really deserved from me. I couldn’t have given her the life she needed, or even put clothes on her back.
I did it because I love her so much, I was willing to give up a piece of my heart and have if left broken for the rest of my life.
Well, I wanted her to know what life is, I wanted her to know that the world is her playground. I wanted her to know that when you truly love someone you will do whatever you can in your power to do the right and selfless act for them, not for you, yet them.
I know over time she will know of this love I speak of.
My favorite question I love getting is, ‘why did you take the easy way out”
I didn’t. If you think I did as some do, I hurt for you. I hurt for you because you think so little of me. I hurt for you because you’re vain to the pain I have felt, I deal with on a daily basis. I hurt for you because you carry a beautiful life within you and see your body create such a beautiful little soul and do what I did.
I look at this way, if it was so easy then why can’t most people do.
I have realized that I intimidate people. I intimidate them because I’m ready to speak up, I’m ready to accept, I’m ready to grow. It’s my time. It’s my time to break free , to stop being so broken, to stop living in pain. It’s my time to tell my truth
I want to heal for me, not because people are telling to ‘get over it’ or ‘move on’
I’m doing this for me.
That’s really all you need it for, it you. You deserve it, I deserve it, we all do.
whoever you are, whatever your story is. I love you, I support you. I embrace you.