Four years ago today I was pregnant, three years ago I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl.
My journey, it hasn’t been easy. I really only have a few people that ask me about her, or better yet to see how I am doing. A lot of people just well, swept it under the rug. If you can imagine how much it has ‘affected’ the ones that love me, imagine how much it affects me. I would say 10 times more.
Only a handful are my rock when it comes to Ava.
I’ve been judged, I have been made fun of, called names, even been cussed at. I have cried many days and still do from time to time. I don’t think that pain will ever go away. The gap, the gap will always be there, it just won’t be as big as the years pass by.
I met a lady the other day, mid forty’s and she told me that I have such a beautiful son, asked me if he was my only one. When people ask me I always have to pause and think on my answer, yet something inside me told me to say, I’m a birth mom and Eli is my second first son. She looked at me with such awe, thing is this lady I met had just got off the phone with the young woman that her and her husband would be adopting from. My first time in four years, I got that smile, I got a hug.
The words she spoke I will never forget,
” It’s people like you I owe my life to, I get to have a family now, I love who you are “”
If only every person would look at adoption this way.
For the first time, I didn’t get that “oh” look or that half smile but puzzled looked.
I got a look I have been dying to get.
When people hear the things that have happened to me they are in such shock. Thing is, I am not, we live in a very judgmental, toxic world. A world where if you sin differently no one will love you, a world that if you are too different you are considered ‘weird’, a world that if you speak your truth you will either have people who want to embrace you, or people who want to shun you.
Ava is my truth, without her I know I would still be struggling to find my voice, without her I wouldn’t know what love is.
Hi my name is Samantha, I’m a birth mom and a mother to a son, this is my truth, this is my story,
Whoever you are, I love you, I want you to know that you are important. You matter, you matter to me.