A little glimpses of one of those flaws.

My whole life I knew something was wrong with me. I get a feeling of being rushed over simple tasks. I get flustered and tongue tied. I feel trapped. I can’t breath. I can’t think. I can’t even fake a smile. I can’t even see straight.  

Do you know the feeling of being trapped? I feel like I’m in this box and I can’t get out to save the life of me. So I panic. I get short of breath, and freak out.

Little things can trigger it. A word, an action, a situation.

I can give you the “” medical” definition yet where is the fun in that??

I can tell you it sucks. Don’t get me wrong, it does.

I can tell you that it can ruin relationships. It will. If the second party isn’t loving, accepting, understanding, it will fail.

It can become a disease. It can consume you.

It can be toxic.

This past year has been a complete challenge for me.

I’m a first time mom, with no family really near at all to help  me, to guide me, to support me, to give me comfort when I need it. To remind me that ” I can do it “” or “” you are amazing keep it up”

[[ people don’t realize that positive words can have such a positive impact it can change someone’s day, week, struggle, month ]]

I get the random phone calls, yet only from a selected few. You realize a lot once you have a kid.

A lot of EYE OPENERS

I had to wean off my medication. Lets just say it was very hard, I felt like I was a drug addict trying to get sober. I felt like a failure most days. Days were I cried, screamed, curled up in a ball, felt numb, felt pain, and so many more emotions.

My medication was so strong that I had to stop because if not I was going to cause harm to my son. What mother can be selfish?? None. None what’s so ever.

I’m still medication free. Man let me tell you that there are days where I just want to drop everything, pack up leave for a day or two and scream that the top of my lungs and cry. Scream because I  I’m so overwhelmed, I don’t know what to do. I tremble within from panic. Cry for I feel like I have failed. I have so much hurt I feel if I let it out and I cry it will somewhat go away.

Yet we both know that is not true, because I need to face it, conquer it, deal with it, accept it, and embrace it, all simply so hard to do.

I give Derrik a lot credit for putting up with me and helping me fight. We have our bad days. There is no doubt about that. I would be lying to say it was easy. It’s not, it’s a lot of work, a lot of love, a lot of patience, a lot of understanding., well a lot of everything.  

My anxiety has caused such a toxic environment for my family. I have gotten to that point that I am just numb to this pain because I see the hurt it has caused, I see the struggles we have faced. My anxiety has consumed us, and this year its all about healing and just facing it and dealing with it.

For I have almost lost my best friend. My lover, my biggest fan.

You know you are in love when you can look at the ugly and still see that it is still beautiful.

This healing journey hasn’t been easy.

I will be honest. It has been extremely hard. Had some days where I wanted to die. No I’m not saying I wanted to just die, I wanted to physically die to stop the pain that I was having, yet for  my family as well. Days where I felt like me leaving would be best to protect everyone from myself.

Yet I’m human. I’ve learned I am okay to have flaws and that ”It’s okay” to just embrace them, accept them, to love them, to work on them, and that it’s okay to feel like a failure, because the way I see it. I can only go up from there. To better myself. It’s okay to have those hard days, so that we can love and appreciate those good ones. You are not alone trust me. I have a lot of shitty days, yet each day can and will get better if I choose it to be that way.  

I’m 24 years old and I have barely learned that I am loved by many, that I am strong, that I am beautiful. To try not to take things so personally [[ easier said then done ]]  I still have days where I feel alone and that I’m invisible.

It’s hard some days. I will not lie about that. I’ve cut people out that just make me worst, always have me on edge, cause me pain, or better yet, that are toxic to be around. It’s not something where I can just snap my fingers and it be gone and over with. Its something that is a day by day healing journey.

My goal is to feel ‘normal’ to not doubt myself every single second of the day, cause my blood pressure to raise, to freak out over little things, to scream at little things, to just feel calm, laid back, to feel at ease and know theres all the time in the world….

Saying those wants are easier said then done. When you know you have an emotional disorder. I have a chemical imbalance in my brain. People just don’t get that, its a lot harder to heal when you don’t have that many supporters. The feeling of ‘being let down’ consumes my brain, my heart, my thoughts, my feelings.

One of my goals for this year is to not give up on this healing journey of mine. Even when it gets ugly, and I have to face my worst demons I have created.

I’m not alone, I am loved. I can do this.

I love you, you are strong, you are a fighter, you are better than what you give yourself credit for.

love always,

You

 

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