Introduction

I don’t want one of those lame introductions where I say

Hi my name is Samantha, I go by Sam or Sammie for short.

No, I want one of those intros that’s so amazing and leaves an impact.

If you’re reading this then it could be for a few reasons.

You want to  be part of a healing community, and you want to know that you are not alone.

You’re a birthmom as well and you need those reminders that you are strong.

You’re broken and want to hear someone else’s truth.

For some reason you have found interest in me and I have no idea why, yet thank you, deeply.

You need those reminders that you are human and its okay to feel the way you do.

You just want to know my truth.

Whatever the reason is, welcome. I love you, I will embrace you, I want the best for you, my name is Sam.

I’m 24 years old and I just have recently accepted my hurt about a little over year ago, almost two to be exact, and I’m working on the ‘healing’ ‘fixing the broken’ ‘accepting’ ‘ It’s okay to feel pain and hurt’ ‘I’m human for crying out loud’ ‘flaws and all’ ‘It’s okay to feel pain’ 

I’m a mother of two. I’m a birthmom and a ‘real’ mom.

I have gotten told a bit throughout the years that being a birthmom and being a real mom are two different ‘things’

I disagree.

I had Ava when I was 20. Hardest time of my life. No one really understood. It was really one of  my lowest of lows. My past isnt a pretty picture. Theres a lot of hurt, a lot of sadness, a lot of feeling alone, a lot of grief, a lot of pain, a lot of tears, and a lot of broken pieces.

I wasn’t mentally and emotionally stable to raise a child at the age of 20. I was alone and family didn’t really approve of my actions. I was afraid that I would be just like my mother. Little did I know when I was pregnant, that I have an older brother or sister out there in the world because she did the same thing before she had me. My biggest fear became my reality.  ” I WAS MY MOTHER”

I got made fun of, I got hazed a few times,  I hurt a lot of people, I let myself down. At the time this was my only answer. This was my only focus, to get through this and survive this pain, survive ever having to go through with this,  Every Time I felt her kick, I would cry, or better yet go numb. I hated this time of my life.

I wanted to die.

Now that time has past I know I did the right thing, I know in my heart that I did the right thing. I don’t feel so broken about it. Don’t get me wrong I have my sad days, my hard days, days where I want to just curl up and cry. Pain that I know that will never fully go away.

Mothers can relate on this with me on what I am about to say:::

Creating a life is one of the most beautiful, amazing, blessings known to mankind. Carrying another soul is simply beautiful. Being pregnant is just beauty all on its own. Giving birth, no words can describe the emotions and describe the way it makes you feel. Holding your child for the first time is priceless. Kissing your child on the forhead because you want them to feel your warm lips and let them know that you are ‘mom’ that you love them.

Now try to picture those things in a negative, heartbreaking emotional state. Pretty fucking hard right?

Thing is that was my pain. That was my broken.

I could never really find a guy afterwards that understood me, that accepted me yet didn’t want me to talk about who I really was,  that I am a birth mom. Accepted that I am part of some groups to help with the coping. Some even got weirded out that I had pictures of her. When this happened, I simply said ‘f+uck you I am done’

I knew I didn’t deserve to feel less what I was. I wasn’t up for having my broken pieces shattered one million times more again.

Then I met ”him’

I am half way across the country now, away from family and friends, just broke up with someone I thought I was going to marry, he is the reason why I moved in the first place, ended up being a cheater and started using drugs. Worst of all walking in on it.

Talk about being hurt again. Talk about being hit by a train over and over again.

Yet I met ‘him’ at the perfect time. I met ‘him’ and he really changed my life. For the first time I saw that I was beautiful, even if it was just for those fast 30 seconds I finally saw it after 22 years of being alive. I felt important, better yet I felt alive. He accepted me. ALL of me. Accepted Ava. He was ”the one”

I became pregnant again for my second time. No we became pregnant, correcting myself now.

This was ‘my do over’ as some have told me that I could feel and experience beauty, life, happiness, and know that in the end I was going to be okay.

I finally knew what ‘being in love’ felt like. I knew what it was when people said the phrase ‘butterflies in your stomach’

He opened my eyes to a whole meaning of life.

To live. To heal. To love. To be happy. To feel.

Theres a little bit about me. A glimse really.

This is a new year and this year its all about wanting to heal.

I love you, you are amazing, you are strong, you are loved.

Love always,

You.  

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