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“Don’t be ashamed of your story, it will inspire others. I’m not afraid of my truth anymore, its made mewho I am, and who Ichoose to be…..”

Those long phone conversations.

As some of you know I have a pretty ‘tight’ bond with Ava’s parents. I dont like to say adoptive, because well those are her parents.

She is aware that she grew in my tummy. Yet she also knows that she has a mom and a dad that has loved the moment they knew about me, knew about her.

I had a long talk with Karin last night. A hour and seven minutes to be exact.

I needed to hear her voice, I needed her blessing. I needed her blessing about well this blog, me in the works of my screen tee project, me wanting to help others. Me well finally facing the bad and making it good.

Thing is Karin and Steve have always stood behind me, they have loved me, well they are there if I ever needed them.

Its been a few years since I got to hold or see Ava.

Thing is I needed it. I needed it to realize it was time to take this ‘poker face’ off.

I needed it to start my healing journey, to slowly come to terms and find peace within.

Not too long ago I was asked “Do you regret it”

No I don’t. I don’t because I knew I wasnt ready. I knew that I couldn’t be a mom. I couldn’t give her the love she really deserved from me. I couldn’t have given her the life she needed, or even put clothes on her back.

I did it because I love her so much, I was willing to give up a piece of my heart and have if left broken for the rest of my life.

Why??

Well, I wanted her to know what life is, I wanted her to know that the world is her playground. I wanted her to know that when you truly love someone you will do whatever you can in your power to do the right and selfless act for them, not for you, yet them.

I know over time she will know of this love I speak of.

My favorite question I love getting is, ‘why did you take the easy way out”

I didn’t. If you think I did as some do, I hurt for you. I hurt for you because you think so little of me. I hurt for you because you’re vain to the pain I have felt, I deal with on a daily basis. I hurt for you because you carry a beautiful life within you and see your body create such a beautiful little soul and do what I did.

I look at this way, if it was so easy then why can’t most people do.

I have realized that I intimidate people. I intimidate them because I’m ready to speak up, I’m ready to accept, I’m ready to grow. It’s my time. It’s my time to break free , to stop being so broken, to stop living in pain. It’s my time to tell my truth

I want to heal for me, not because people are telling to ‘get over it’ or ‘move on’

I’m doing this for me.

That’s really all you need it for, it you. You deserve it, I deserve it, we all do.

whoever you are, whatever your story is. I love you, I support you. I embrace you.

Love always,

You. 

I love you

As I un reveal and wind down its time to ease my mind and strip away all the bad, to finally write my birth daughter her letter.

Her letter of love to her.

Her letter to know that no matter what I will always love her.

Her letter to know that she will always be with me.

Her letter to know I never erased her from my mind, body, and soul.

Her letter of happiness, not sorrows.

As I cry these tears they aren’t of sadness, yet joy.

Joy of were I have come.

Joy of having the support I have had, even if it’s just of a few.

Joy of making it this far.

Joy,  because I can say I made it this far.

I love you forever and always.

No matter how hard your day is, how little you feel. Remember that I love you, you are strong, you are loved, you are important to me.

Love always,

You.

I’m a Birthmom

Four years ago today I was pregnant, three years ago I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl.
My journey, it hasn’t been easy. I really only have a few people that ask me about her, or better yet to see how I am doing. A lot of people just well, swept it under the rug.  If you can imagine how much it has ‘affected’ the ones that love me, imagine how much it affects me. I would say 10 times more.
Only a handful are my rock when it comes to Ava.

I’ve been judged, I have been made fun of, called names, even been cussed at. I have cried many days and still do from time to time. I don’t think that pain will ever go away. The gap, the gap will always be there, it just won’t be as big as the years pass by.

I met a lady the other day, mid forty’s and she told me that I have such a beautiful son, asked me if he was my only one. When people ask me I always have to pause and think on my answer, yet something inside me told me to say, I’m a birth mom and Eli is my second first son. She looked at me with such awe, thing is this lady I met had just got off the phone with the young woman that her and her husband would be adopting from. My first time in four years, I got that smile, I got a hug.
The words she spoke I will never forget,

” It’s people like you I owe my life to, I get to have a family now, I love who you are “”

If only every person would look at adoption this way.
For the first time, I didn’t get that “oh” look or that half smile but puzzled looked.
I got a look I have been dying to get.

When people hear the things that have happened to me they are in such shock. Thing is,  I am not, we live in a very judgmental, toxic world. A world where if you sin differently no one will love you, a world that if you are too different you are considered ‘weird’, a world that if you speak your truth you will either have people who want to embrace you, or people who want to shun you.

Ava is my truth, without her I know I would still be struggling to find my voice, without her I wouldn’t know what love is.

Hi my name is Samantha, I’m a birth mom and a mother to a son, this is my truth, this is my story,

Whoever you are, I love you, I want you to know that you are important. You matter, you matter to me.

Those beautiful Monday mornings.

Those beautiful Monday mornings.

Mondays, a fresh start, a new week, a new beginning.

Forget about that horrible week you had, for this is a new day.  Easier said then done.

My mind is overflowing with so many thoughts, emotions, and better yet my sinus are stuffed up.

I’ve had such a long week, Elijah had a little cold, turned out its RSV and pneumonia. Talk about being hit by a semi when you find out that your son is ten times worse than what you thought.  It would explain the sleepless nights and the overflowing of emotions I had.

Last week, was such a struggle for me. Trying to keep my stuff together, trying to be a good ‘housewife’ a good partner, a good mom, and better yet just trying to keep this poker face on at all times.

Yet that was last week, today is a new day, a new week, a fresh start and yes I’m going to sing at the top of my lungs today even though I’m stuffed up.

Main focus for this week, “Accept the Struggle”

If something doesn’t go as planned, oh well, lets just embrace it and try not to let it consume me. HA HA HA a lot easier said then done.

I’m that type of person that  freaks outs when things don’t go as planned. I let it eat at me.  I don’t mean to yet it just well happens. Not a lot of people understand this about me. I get the ‘ you just love to feel upset’ no my coping is well messed up. I have anxiety and depression. It makes things worse, and that’s okay, I’m Human. I’m aloud to makes mistakes and I’m aloud to freak out.

YOU SHOULD STOP TRYING TO MAKE ME FEEL LESS OF WHO I AM.

When people tell me to ‘grow up’ ‘stop acting childish’ it just makes it worse. It makes me think well who are you to judge me. Who are you to make me feel less of a human being.

It’s hard, depression is hard, anxiety is hard, any type of disorder is hard.

Yet this week is a new week, I’m going to fight with all my might and try my hardest to not let the hard comuse yet, not let the hard define me, yet to let it make me a better and stronger person.

No one will save me yet myself.

No one will make me strong but me.

You are loved you are strong, you are brave

Love always,

You  

A little reminder letter

I wrote this letter on one of my happiest days, where I knew that reading it on my sad days, it would help me with whatever

challenge I was about to face. Let me share it with you, its helped me a lot on those dark, gloomy, sad, crying, feeling alone days.

I hope it helps you when you need a little pick me up.

Dear You,

I’m writing this letter as a reminder. I know you think that being “perfect” is the way you are suppose to be. I blame society. You are perfect just being you. No you don’t need that nose job, you are perfect, you are you, no one can be you. I know you are hurting, it can be about family, your friends, society, your past, your inner demons.

Say this with me;

I believe in me, just because everyone else stopped believing in me, doesn’t mean I have to. I am my biggest fan, I am me.

I am important, I may not feel important right now, and thats okay no one can tell me how to feel my hurt, yet it’s okay because you are alive today, you matter to this world, you are important, you are important to me.

The day you start living your life to society’s standards, is the day you lose yourself. Be free to who you want to be, no one can be you better then you can. When you start to live up to everyone’s opinions it’s the beginning of the end. Be you, I love you, you are amazing.

Know your self worth, you got this!! Don’t let anyone make you feel less of who you are, or who you are meant to be.

You are beautiful. Inside and out. No one has your beauty, for you are simply you.

You are amazing.

You are strong, you have made it this far, I can’t wait to see how much further you will go. Not just emotionally, yet spiritually.

You are loved!

I love you more than you ever will know.   There may be days when you feel alone, yet remember  I am here, I haven’t gone anywhere.

I love you, I believe in you, I am proud of you.

No matter how dark your days get or how sad you get, always know that you can get through this. I will never let go of holding your hand.

Love always,

You

A little glimpses of one of those flaws.

My whole life I knew something was wrong with me. I get a feeling of being rushed over simple tasks. I get flustered and tongue tied. I feel trapped. I can’t breath. I can’t think. I can’t even fake a smile. I can’t even see straight.  

Do you know the feeling of being trapped? I feel like I’m in this box and I can’t get out to save the life of me. So I panic. I get short of breath, and freak out.

Little things can trigger it. A word, an action, a situation.

I can give you the “” medical” definition yet where is the fun in that??

I can tell you it sucks. Don’t get me wrong, it does.

I can tell you that it can ruin relationships. It will. If the second party isn’t loving, accepting, understanding, it will fail.

It can become a disease. It can consume you.

It can be toxic.

This past year has been a complete challenge for me.

I’m a first time mom, with no family really near at all to help  me, to guide me, to support me, to give me comfort when I need it. To remind me that ” I can do it “” or “” you are amazing keep it up”

[[ people don’t realize that positive words can have such a positive impact it can change someone’s day, week, struggle, month ]]

I get the random phone calls, yet only from a selected few. You realize a lot once you have a kid.

A lot of EYE OPENERS

I had to wean off my medication. Lets just say it was very hard, I felt like I was a drug addict trying to get sober. I felt like a failure most days. Days were I cried, screamed, curled up in a ball, felt numb, felt pain, and so many more emotions.

My medication was so strong that I had to stop because if not I was going to cause harm to my son. What mother can be selfish?? None. None what’s so ever.

I’m still medication free. Man let me tell you that there are days where I just want to drop everything, pack up leave for a day or two and scream that the top of my lungs and cry. Scream because I  I’m so overwhelmed, I don’t know what to do. I tremble within from panic. Cry for I feel like I have failed. I have so much hurt I feel if I let it out and I cry it will somewhat go away.

Yet we both know that is not true, because I need to face it, conquer it, deal with it, accept it, and embrace it, all simply so hard to do.

I give Derrik a lot credit for putting up with me and helping me fight. We have our bad days. There is no doubt about that. I would be lying to say it was easy. It’s not, it’s a lot of work, a lot of love, a lot of patience, a lot of understanding., well a lot of everything.  

My anxiety has caused such a toxic environment for my family. I have gotten to that point that I am just numb to this pain because I see the hurt it has caused, I see the struggles we have faced. My anxiety has consumed us, and this year its all about healing and just facing it and dealing with it.

For I have almost lost my best friend. My lover, my biggest fan.

You know you are in love when you can look at the ugly and still see that it is still beautiful.

This healing journey hasn’t been easy.

I will be honest. It has been extremely hard. Had some days where I wanted to die. No I’m not saying I wanted to just die, I wanted to physically die to stop the pain that I was having, yet for  my family as well. Days where I felt like me leaving would be best to protect everyone from myself.

Yet I’m human. I’ve learned I am okay to have flaws and that ”It’s okay” to just embrace them, accept them, to love them, to work on them, and that it’s okay to feel like a failure, because the way I see it. I can only go up from there. To better myself. It’s okay to have those hard days, so that we can love and appreciate those good ones. You are not alone trust me. I have a lot of shitty days, yet each day can and will get better if I choose it to be that way.  

I’m 24 years old and I have barely learned that I am loved by many, that I am strong, that I am beautiful. To try not to take things so personally [[ easier said then done ]]  I still have days where I feel alone and that I’m invisible.

It’s hard some days. I will not lie about that. I’ve cut people out that just make me worst, always have me on edge, cause me pain, or better yet, that are toxic to be around. It’s not something where I can just snap my fingers and it be gone and over with. Its something that is a day by day healing journey.

My goal is to feel ‘normal’ to not doubt myself every single second of the day, cause my blood pressure to raise, to freak out over little things, to scream at little things, to just feel calm, laid back, to feel at ease and know theres all the time in the world….

Saying those wants are easier said then done. When you know you have an emotional disorder. I have a chemical imbalance in my brain. People just don’t get that, its a lot harder to heal when you don’t have that many supporters. The feeling of ‘being let down’ consumes my brain, my heart, my thoughts, my feelings.

One of my goals for this year is to not give up on this healing journey of mine. Even when it gets ugly, and I have to face my worst demons I have created.

I’m not alone, I am loved. I can do this.

I love you, you are strong, you are a fighter, you are better than what you give yourself credit for.

love always,

You

 

Introduction

I don’t want one of those lame introductions where I say

Hi my name is Samantha, I go by Sam or Sammie for short.

No, I want one of those intros that’s so amazing and leaves an impact.

If you’re reading this then it could be for a few reasons.

You want to  be part of a healing community, and you want to know that you are not alone.

You’re a birthmom as well and you need those reminders that you are strong.

You’re broken and want to hear someone else’s truth.

For some reason you have found interest in me and I have no idea why, yet thank you, deeply.

You need those reminders that you are human and its okay to feel the way you do.

You just want to know my truth.

Whatever the reason is, welcome. I love you, I will embrace you, I want the best for you, my name is Sam.

I’m 24 years old and I just have recently accepted my hurt about a little over year ago, almost two to be exact, and I’m working on the ‘healing’ ‘fixing the broken’ ‘accepting’ ‘ It’s okay to feel pain and hurt’ ‘I’m human for crying out loud’ ‘flaws and all’ ‘It’s okay to feel pain’ 

I’m a mother of two. I’m a birthmom and a ‘real’ mom.

I have gotten told a bit throughout the years that being a birthmom and being a real mom are two different ‘things’

I disagree.

I had Ava when I was 20. Hardest time of my life. No one really understood. It was really one of  my lowest of lows. My past isnt a pretty picture. Theres a lot of hurt, a lot of sadness, a lot of feeling alone, a lot of grief, a lot of pain, a lot of tears, and a lot of broken pieces.

I wasn’t mentally and emotionally stable to raise a child at the age of 20. I was alone and family didn’t really approve of my actions. I was afraid that I would be just like my mother. Little did I know when I was pregnant, that I have an older brother or sister out there in the world because she did the same thing before she had me. My biggest fear became my reality.  ” I WAS MY MOTHER”

I got made fun of, I got hazed a few times,  I hurt a lot of people, I let myself down. At the time this was my only answer. This was my only focus, to get through this and survive this pain, survive ever having to go through with this,  Every Time I felt her kick, I would cry, or better yet go numb. I hated this time of my life.

I wanted to die.

Now that time has past I know I did the right thing, I know in my heart that I did the right thing. I don’t feel so broken about it. Don’t get me wrong I have my sad days, my hard days, days where I want to just curl up and cry. Pain that I know that will never fully go away.

Mothers can relate on this with me on what I am about to say:::

Creating a life is one of the most beautiful, amazing, blessings known to mankind. Carrying another soul is simply beautiful. Being pregnant is just beauty all on its own. Giving birth, no words can describe the emotions and describe the way it makes you feel. Holding your child for the first time is priceless. Kissing your child on the forhead because you want them to feel your warm lips and let them know that you are ‘mom’ that you love them.

Now try to picture those things in a negative, heartbreaking emotional state. Pretty fucking hard right?

Thing is that was my pain. That was my broken.

I could never really find a guy afterwards that understood me, that accepted me yet didn’t want me to talk about who I really was,  that I am a birth mom. Accepted that I am part of some groups to help with the coping. Some even got weirded out that I had pictures of her. When this happened, I simply said ‘f+uck you I am done’

I knew I didn’t deserve to feel less what I was. I wasn’t up for having my broken pieces shattered one million times more again.

Then I met ”him’

I am half way across the country now, away from family and friends, just broke up with someone I thought I was going to marry, he is the reason why I moved in the first place, ended up being a cheater and started using drugs. Worst of all walking in on it.

Talk about being hurt again. Talk about being hit by a train over and over again.

Yet I met ‘him’ at the perfect time. I met ‘him’ and he really changed my life. For the first time I saw that I was beautiful, even if it was just for those fast 30 seconds I finally saw it after 22 years of being alive. I felt important, better yet I felt alive. He accepted me. ALL of me. Accepted Ava. He was ”the one”

I became pregnant again for my second time. No we became pregnant, correcting myself now.

This was ‘my do over’ as some have told me that I could feel and experience beauty, life, happiness, and know that in the end I was going to be okay.

I finally knew what ‘being in love’ felt like. I knew what it was when people said the phrase ‘butterflies in your stomach’

He opened my eyes to a whole meaning of life.

To live. To heal. To love. To be happy. To feel.

Theres a little bit about me. A glimse really.

This is a new year and this year its all about wanting to heal.

I love you, you are amazing, you are strong, you are loved.

Love always,

You.